u/thickshxt

So let me explain my situation. It’s a lot, but it’s honest. Please bear with me!

I’m 27 m. I’ve always been into women since I was young. I have been with 80+ women and had a lot of amazing experiences with them. I used to have an issue with premature ejaculation from time to time in my first relationship, and had a hard time getting it up the first time we tried to have sex, but that went away pretty quickly.

I became pretty into porn when I was about 12-13 years old. First it was just women, solo or basic vanilla porn, then it evolved into girls using straps on eachother, then trans/femboy porn, then gay porn. It used to be a mix of both, but as of the past few years, it was probably 60% gay porn, 30% trans, 10% straight. And for the straight porn, it would have to be something taboo or extreme.

When I was young I was sexually abused by an older guy. Never really thought much of it until I got older. Around 19 after obsessing about it for a while, I experimented with a guy who isn’t even remotely attracted to and it sucked but I think the taboo element made me want to try again.

My focus was still on women completely and was still sleeping with women, and dating women, with no issue.

Around 24-25 I started experimenting more with men. I never found any visually attractive to me but I think I developed some sort of fetish to the experience. I topped a few guys, and bottomed for a few as well. 2 of them became kind of consistent. One top and one bottom. I don’t find either of them visually appealing but the experience was pretty good. When bottoming I would like to dress up like a woman (lingerie/wigs). When I would finish however I would immediately (and I mean IMMEDIATELY) lose all interest in them and feel disgusted and leave without saying a word. They didn’t care though as it was just hook ups.

I started getting into sissy hypno porn, and I think it altered my brain chemistry. I would find myself twerking in the mirror and taking pics on a private Snapchat account and sending to random men. Showing my ass to men on video chat rooms and such. I would buy women’s panties and put them on and grind on my pillow or use a dildo stuck on the wall, cum, then throw it all out, and repeat months later. It would give me a rush.

About a year and a half ago I had a few short “relationships” with a couple beautiful girls. The sex was great and I was always rock hard around them. But they ended badly with a lot of explosive emotions from them that scarred me a bit. After these failed relationships, a friend jokingly said to me “hey man that’s your fourth failed relationship, if you’re gay you can just tell me!” And I laughed but I kept playing it over and over in my head and stared to spiral.

After that, my attraction to women started to dwindle. I more and more fantasized about bottoming again. I tried it once or twice again and it sucked, and hurt. I would get hard but still nothing about the men did I find appealing except the experience they could provide for me.

I met another beautiful girl and we started dating. I had a hard time getting it up for her. Just about every time we had sex. I took viagra a few times without her knowing though and we had mind blowing sex. But without it, I can rarely seem to stay hard for her. We had broken up a few times and I had seen the femboy bottom I was hooking up with in the past, and nothing about him is very attractive to me nor do I want to kiss/cuddle him. But I got rock hard for him to give me a bj. I don’t feel any pressure there because it’s just a hook up and he wouldn’t give a fuck either way.

I don’t know what to do. I never see men in real life and feel any attraction to them. I work in a restaurant and see men and women every day and I constantly check the men with an open mind to see if I feel any attraction, but I’ve never once experienced any remote attraction to any of them. Not a single crush, no desire for them, or anything. And as for women, I’m able to see how beautiful or sexy they are, but I don’t feel the burning desire to sleep with them like I used to. After having the experiences with ED with this girl, I’ve had a hard time visualizing myself getting hard and dominating women like I used to, without the use of viagra.

We broke up for a few months and I saw a few women. When I am with a new girl with no feelings or potential relationship, I get rock hard. When it’s something a little deeper then just sex, it seems to effect me.

I’m so confused. I’m open to being Bi and my family is chill and would absolutely accept me if I were bi or gay. I live in NYC and could absolutely live comfortably in the queer community if I so chose to. But I don’t feel that life really suits me. I feel like porn/hypnosis and experimentation has warped my brain and given me sexual ocd which is ruining my ability to have calm experiences with women without the help of dick pills.

There was a time where I would get hard at the thought of bottoming for a very dominant masculine man, but after I stopped watching porn, that desire seems to have just disappeared.

My gf is extremely sexual and when I struggled to get hard for her at times she began saying she thinks I’m not attracted to her which made the problem 10x worse. I then opened up to her about my childhood abuse, and excessive porn use, and this helped a bit. I stopped watching porn and started working out more, but I’m still obsessing about everything. She is so beautiful but I don’t really get very turned on by her at the moment, without the use of pills. I don’t know what the hell to do. I’ve been struggling so much trying yo figure out if I’m just in some sort of denial or if it’s just OCD. Someone help!