u/thingschange1

That little building at the bottom of the South Kingsway and Riverside Drive (Queensway, Gardiner junction) has been abandoned for quite some time- and I tried to dig around and do some research on it, but its virtually a ghost in the records!

Does anyone know anything about this building? When was it vacated? Also why is is vacated? It has a sister building that's still occupied! Curiosity is literally killing the cat here lolol.

Bare with me, I feel like I'm about to rapid fire vent and fear it may be a little chaotic. I apologize in advance, my emotions are so scattered.

I (30F), am exhausted all of the time. I don't know if life has burnt me out or maybe just depressed? I'm not to sure. I hate everything.. I feel like life is just passing me by everyday and I'm just merely existing. I also feel like an imposter- like a stranger in my skin! Sometimes I can't gauge if my feelings are valid, real or even mine. Its so difficult to explain.

A little background; I'm the oldest child of 4 siblings, also the only female/sister. My parents have always been separated, father Somali, mother white Canadian. You can imagine the weird dynamic of my family.. Strict Muslim father and loosey goosey Catholic mother. We were a broke family with a lot of family issues. Since I was young, I always made sure my family was good and managed what I could within my means. Once I got my first job, I started financially caring for my family.. it was exhausting. I learned very young, that nobody was ever going to save me. When I started my first job, I asked my dad if I could borrow money for bus fare and cheap work shoes and he flat out told me no. That same day, my dad bought my brothers a PS4 and XboxOne on a whim. That man didn't like me lol.

Anyways, through high school I felt neglected. I lived with my mom and her garbage boyfriend who never supported the household. We had a very parentified relationship (we still do until this day), smoked weed and drank together. I thought that was cool at the time, but looking back that was fucking terrible. We had zero boundaries with each other, and treated each other more like friends than parent/child. My dad disliked me and my brothers lived with him. I went to school and worked as much as possible. Then I'd go out with friends, drink, smoke and hook up constantly. Anything to feel like I could escape my life lol. At this time, I HATED myself and my body. Chubby, constantly emotionally eating, saggy boobs since puberty? God, I thought I was disgusting. I'd sleep with randoms in hopes they'd make me feel wanted and pretty. They always did the opposite lol.

Grew up, stopped smoking weed by 20 and stopped drinking at 24. At 24, I was where I wanted to be in my retail career and met my boyfriend who is 10 years older than me. God, never thought I'd meet someone like him. Hilarious, humble, fit and fine! Still together, until this day, it's been 6 years. I'm stagnant in my retail career, he moved into a job that pays extremely well but I feel cared for in a financial sense. I finally feel secure, can do groceries without looking at the price tag and don't feel like we're living paycheque to paycheque. I thought this was perfect, but I feel like there is something missing in this relationship. I don't know why he loves me, he doesn't call me pretty or compliment me and I feel like he's just here. Somehow again, I feel small, ugly and just someone who cooks and cleans. His mom lives with us (that was a HUGE mistake on our relationship) and his brother paroled here 4 years ago and he's a drunk. So even though I feel secure financially, I feel insecure in our relationship. His family has said they'd move out quite a couple times over the last 4 years, but they're still here. I'm a grown woman who just wants to enjoy her home with her man and try to fix this rocky dynamic that we have right now. But his family takes advantage of us.

I'm back to feeling like this small, unwanted, burden of a teenager. I hate it.

I feel like my feelings don't matter. Never have, never will.

But I take a step back, and feel like I'm selfish for feeling that way.. and is it even a valid feeling? I don't know. I don't feel real.. On top of all, my binge eating is currently through the roof. I know I need to stop stuffing my face, but as stupid as it sounds I can't stop! I'm at the heaviest I've ever been at 250lbs, and I'm terrified I'm going to hit 300lbs! I feel like I'm just stress eating. Through all this, I've been so stressed out I feel like I've formed some type of OCD. I think I subconsciously I've gotten into this weird cleaning habit where things have to be specific as a form of control because I have zero control on anything else in this house. Through all of this, I've turned into a shut in. I do not leave the house. I feel like if I leave the house, his mom will literally tare this house apart and it'll be super upsetting to come back too. Not to mention, I'm literally fat and ugly so I don't even want to go outside. I need to find the motivation to do more walking and exercises, which hopefully will get me out of the house where I will eat less.

Work? 15 years of straight work and lots and lots of overtime.. I'm so burnt out. I feel like I'm only giving the job 10% of my energy. I'm tired. I'm so tired of this life and rat race.. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm going to bed guys, my gosh lol. I don't even know what I'm venting about anymore.