u/this_time_dif

I had an on and off relationship with my ex. She has something... I think it is bpd but she has been going to shrinks since she was a kid and she had a pretty traumatic childhood.

Obviously I have bipolar 2. I am medicated but it was a sad and long journey to come this far. I have tried to help her. Look after her, talk to her, take care of her. She is a mess. In all ways. Her room is a mess, she keeps getting drunk and using substances. She goes out comes back hammered and I have to pick after her. She also hurt herself before. She refuses to see a shrink, therapist or go to AA meetings. I tried everything.

I am really tired. I broke down and looked into my past. I have always dated people like this because I thought they understood my mental issues but I always end up becoming their therapist and caretaker.

Nobody wants to listen to me. Nobody wants to help me. Nobody wants to take care of me.

So I will do that. I will love myself till I die.

I have 2 cats. One is really old and needs meds 2 times a day. In 2024 I started to have a really hard time taking care of myself. The cat bites me and scratches me every time I give the meds and I cry after. I don't know what to do.

I was on abilify and had very severe side affects. Now I will see a new shrink on 13th to try new medication.

I am off of all meds for right now. I feel dread. Aside from side affects, I tasted how it feels like to be alive while on abilify. Waking up early and being productive. Enjoying people's conversations. Not wanting to end it all every time I look into the mirror.

I long for that again. I hope I find it. I want to believe everything is going to be ok.

I have noone to talk to.

I am having so many side effects. I can't write I can't use my pc. My hands and legs are limp almost. I have a hard time breathing. I had terrible nausea and I started using stomach meds. I also somehow have a hard time standing still and getting out of bed at the same time? It did get better compared to day 1. This is day 9 and I feel more stable mentally. But help? What do i do to not feel as agitated and limp and out of breath?