“Vent”: my bf’s mother has Alzheimer’s and i’m beginning to feel frustrated with her
Firstly, I just needed somewhere to get this off my mind/ vent about because there is some things I am struggling to deal with my bf’s mom and her Alzheimers/ Dementia. In the text I wrote that there’s been no final diagnosis yet but all the doctors they’ve been to have told my bf that his mom obviously has some form of dementia, most likely Alzheimers. It’s taken until now because my bf is the only one who takes care of his mom, the rest of the family doesn’t really want to get themselves involved.
Hi, so my boyfriends mother has Alzheimers. It’s been quite obvious for at least four years. My bf and I started dating 2 years ago and last year even his ex told me that it was obvious that his mom has Alzheimers but no one was willing to admit it/ confront themselves with it. My bf has been to doctors with her and until they do a brain scan/ MRI, the doctor can’t give her a certain diagnosis but it is clear she has it. She doesn’t want to admit it though/ denies it, which is often the case for people with Alzheimers. It’s at the stage where, at least in my opinion, she’s not capable of living by herself anymore. She doesn’t cook, does’t eat regularly and can’t properly buy groceries for herself. She doesn’t shower, even though she tells us she does, and she can’t dress herself properly anymore. She forgets to put on pieces of clothes or puts them on wrong or just generally doesn’t know how to put them on.
My bf is in college, he’s just starting out in his adult life and he is pretty much the only one who takes care of his mom. I help where I can and am there to support him with everything. Before I start venting, we are currently trying to get her assistance, eg someone who comes to check in on her daily, brings her food etc. We live about 20min away from her.
Recently it’s been getting more and more frustrating because I know it’s not her fault for needing help in her daily life with things that seem so easy to others but I can’t help but feel annoyed sometimes. When I or my bf receive phone calls late at night because her TV is too loud and she doesn’t know how to turn the volume down I can’t help but feel frustrated. Everyday, the phone calls and messages don’t stop. I feel bad for not answering every time but it’s just too much. And my bf has to take care of everything for her. Her doctors appointments, her paperwork, just her day to day life basically and it drains him. He doesn’t have any time for himself with college, work and his mom.
I do my best with always being patient and gentle with her. If I’m frustrated/ annoyed I don’t show it. Not to his mom and not to my bf either because I know that he has enough that burdens him already and I just want to be there to support him and be there for him. But right now I just need an outlet where I can vent about this because I’ve never talked about this with anyone.
One thought that I’ve been having I feel really bad for because it is unfair towards his mom but I can’t help but wonder why she would put him through this. Every time we see her she always says she knows she can be annoying and she doesn’t want to bother us all the time but she does it anyway. She refuses assisted living homes because she doesn’t want to be “put away with all the old people” and “she’s not ill, she’s fine. She can manage on her own and doesn’t need any help” which I understand, these homes can be really depressing but the one she could go to is really good and some of her friends live there - most of the caretakers there are her friends or acquaintances. And she always complains about her apartment, how it’s too much for her and how she doesn’t like it there. (Then she talks about wanting to live with us but sorry, no way. My bf doesn’t want that and i don’t either. Plus it’s just not possible, we’re both in college and in our early twenties.) But when she says she can manage on her own in one moment but the next she needs help because she says she lost her wallet/ phone everything but they were lying on the kitchen table the whole time I just can’t help but be annoyed. She know’s she’s burdening her son but she needs him to take care of her all the time. I know it’s so unfair because it’s the illness, not her but it’s so difficult to understand sometimes. It’s just so difficult to understand how this illness actually affects a persons brain, how they think and act. Things that are so normal and easy turn into huge problems that she cries about and i feel so sorry for her because sometimes she is so confused and so anxious and I know that she’s struggling with it all too.
And the one question I have in my mind that I think is really unfair is, why does she refuse to go to an assisted living care facility when she knows that she is a burden to everyone around her? She knows she can’t manage on her own. She says so herself. But then she doesn’t want to admit that she has Alzheimers and talks about not needing help. I know that people with Alzheimers often feel anxious and unsure about mundane things so I get why she calls us all the time but then she goes on saying how she’s so sorry to bother us but then she stresses about some imaginary things and needs us to come over and help her.
I know it’s not her, it’s the Alzheimers but how can a mother burden her son with having to completely take care of her every need. Of course, he does it no questions asked that’s his mom. I would do the same for mine but wouldn’t a mother not want to burden her child with having to take care of her for the rest of her life? Or atleast not to the extent to which he has to care for her now. Wouldn’t she not refuse assisted living so hard? She knows we have to take care of her all the time so why? I feel bad for even writing this because it is unfair but I can’t help but ask myself this and thinking that it’s so egoistical of her. I’m honestly ashamed of thinking it because I know she does none of it on purpose. She didn’t choose to get Alzheimers, her deteriorating memory, her confusion and her dependency are not something she chose for herself. I don’t know how she was before the symptoms started, I only know her how she is and sometimes I find it really hard not to be annoyed.
I even find it hard to like her at times because I feel like I’m not getting to know her as my (potential future-) mother-in-law, I’m getting to know her illness. I’m learning how to care for her, how to dress her when I take her shopping because I have to tell her she has to get undressed first before trying clothes on, then I have to help her with getting dressed because otherwise she would just stand there, not knowing what to do. I have to learn to clean after her when she uses a public toilet because she doesn’t know how to use them anymore and I can’t just leave the floor all wet…. I din’t tell my bf these things because I feel like this would just hurt him. Knowing that his mom needs help with things like going to the toilet is just not something I want him to have to deal with. It’s heartbreaking enough as it is. Though I think he knows either way, when we’re at her apartment he doesn’t want me going into the bathroom but he doesn’t have to know that I’ve had to clean up after her. I don’t tell her either that I clean up after her because I think she doesn’t know and I want to spare her the embarrassment.
If there’s even anyone reading this, I’m sorry if my english isn’t perfect, it’s not my first language and I’m writing this just to get it off my chest without paying close attention to grammar or even if my sentences make sense.