u/throw_away-615490

I had a mentee who I took in as my successor. She was to continue my projects once I leave this biotech lab. I taught her everything I knew, not just things she needed to know for the project but also wisdoms I gained, and schools of thought I ascribed to. At first, I didn’t had no feelings for her. She’s in a committed long distance relationship. I actually liked that she had a boyfriend because I thought she wouldn’t catch feelings because of it. The problem was that I was having too much fun teaching her. I got to talk about things I really enjoyed, and she was a sponge that absorbed all that knowledge with enthusiasm.

After a year, I had a random realization that I had feelings for her. I tried to keep everything in control. I was happy for her that she was in a loving relationship, and I made sure that my feelings would not get in the way of our mentorship. I tried so hard to keep my feelings at bay. Despite it, I just kept feeling my feelings for her getting stronger everyday. I didn’t wanted to have feelings for her. I didn’t wanted to taint our mentorship. I wanted her to stay in her happy relationship and become a scientist I trained her to become.

I couldn’t talk about this to my mentors or colleagues because I didn’t wanted to ruin my reputation, and telling someone would’ve started a drama that wasn’t going to end well. For a year, I managed to maintain control over my feelings for her.

When our mentorship ended, I lost control. My life’s been very hard last few years, and teaching her stuff was the only break from all the bs I had to deal with in my life. It also didn’t help that the mentorship ended abruptly. I miss spending time with her. I miss our intellectual conversations and sharing our life stories. But I have to walk away. I have to get over this feelings to move on with my life so I could love someone else who deserves my love. I have to get over this feeling to protect her from my feelings. I have to get over her to preserve the sanctity of this relationship. But it’s hard. I think about her everyday.

I catch myself thinking about her when my mind is not occupied. The worst part is, I was getting a feeling that the feelings are mutual by the way she acts around me and the way she look at me with such admirable . Somedays, I tell myself because she also likes me, maybe she’ll break up with her boyfriend to be with me. But that’s not going to happen. I don’t want that to happen.

For half a year now, I’ve been in war against myself. I therapize myself to address “root cause” on why I caught feelings for her, and sometimes I let myself cry. She’s got into a good graduate program this year, and Im happy for her. I’m proud of her for what she’s achieved as her mentor. But teaching her came at such an immense emotional cost to me that sometimes I wished I never took her in, and sometimes I think I failed as her mentor because I caught feelings for her.

She doesn’t know anything about this. I never made this her problem. I would talk to someone about it, but there is no one I could talk to confidentially so I post it here. I desperately want to move on, but everyday Im tempted to send her a text or ask to hangout because I miss her. But I can’t do that, and I won’t for both of us. Years from now, I will look back appreciate what this experience has taught me and be proud of myself for making the right choice. But right now, I’m having such a hard time.

Dinner: squid sandwich

Edit: no, I will never confess. I’m pretty dead set on not ruining the relationship. Like I said, I never made this her problem. I’ve also been dating other people, but I realized that it’s not fair for women I date to use them to get over someone.

Added context: for the first year, I’ve mentored her very rigorously, and we met every other day for 4-5 hours. She became more independent after that, and we met every week for a year. I could’ve been more closed off, but I think that would’ve came off hostile given the sheer amount of time I’ve soent with her. I wanted to be personable because that was the lab culture and who I am. I don’t think being closed off with her would’ve led to an effective mentoring on my part. It’s too bad that I caught feelings, but I taught her everything I knew because I could see greatness in her and wanted her to become someone who would save lives.