Separation, kids, ENM, deep friendship and leftover hope. How do I handle this?
Hey everyone,
I don’t really know where to start. This will probably be long, but I’ll try to keep it somewhat structured. I could really use input from people who have experience with ENM / poly / open relationships and separation with kids.
I’m in my early 30s. My wife/partner and I have been together for about 14 years. We have two children, we’re married, and we still live together. For a long time, we were very much a family unit: everyday life, kids, a shared home, a shared life.
About three years ago, we started talking about opening our relationship. At first it was theoretical, later it became practical. For me, it was a beautiful and important time for quite a while. I realized that I’m also my own person outside of this couple identity. I had new connections that were good for me, and I felt more alive.
Sex with my partner also became more intense and exploratory during that time. It somehow reignited a spark.
For a while, it felt pretty good. Not always easy, but open, exciting, and full of growth. Then my wife met someone too. I’ll call him M here. In the beginning, that was okay for me. I felt like: our relationship is stable, we’re trying something, we’re learning.
But at some point, things shifted.
At some point, she wanted a sex break with me. At first, that wasn’t a problem, but over time I noticed that this break kept getting longer and didn’t really end. Later she told me that romantically, she’s not really in the same place anymore where I still am. She can’t really say “I love you” to me anymore in the way I mean it.
At the same time, we still get along very well. We often function really beautifully as a family. We talk a lot, laugh, take care of the kids together. We have days that feel warm and familiar like they used to. Sometimes we still cuddle, hug, kiss on the cheek, and have moments that feel very close.
And that is exactly my problem.
For her, this closeness seems to mean family / friendship / connection. For me, it immediately triggers hope. I still love her. I still find her attractive. Deep down, I still want the old couple feeling back. Not necessarily monogamous. That was never the point. It’s not about her only loving me or only having sex with me. What I want is to feel romantically and physically wanted by her. And that’s not really there anymore.
She is still connected with M. But that relationship also seems difficult. Sometimes she tells me things about it that completely mess with my head. For example, that he doesn’t find her attractive anymore, or that sexual attraction naturally fades after a year. There was also something about her weight, or about how she has barely changed. I found that completely absurd and hurtful. As if you could measure attraction in grams.
That hit me extremely hard, because I find her very attractive myself. Then I think: how can someone judge her like that? Why does she let herself be treated that way? At the same time, I know I quickly slide into a rescuer role there. I want to tell her that she is valuable and beautiful and shouldn’t bend herself out of shape for a partner. But I’m obviously not neutral. I’m her ex / still-husband, I still love her, and I still desire her. When she tells me about being hurt by M, I become her safe place, while I’m sitting right in the middle of my own wound.
I’ve told her by now that in general, I do want to talk with her about her life and that she doesn’t have to completely exclude M as a topic. But details about their relationship or sexual dynamic hit me too hard. I want to be there for her, but I also have to protect myself.
At the same time, separation is on the table, or as a romantic couple it has basically already happened. But we still live together and are trying to figure out what comes next. We both really want to function well as parents.
I have now found a small one-room apartment very close to our family apartment. As a retreat / transitional space, maybe as part of a nesting model. So the kids would stay in the current apartment for now, and we parents would somehow alternate, or I would have that place when I need to get out. Long-term, I think I lean more toward a shared custody / two-household model, because I believe each parent needs their own home. But for now, it’s a test.
And now comes the ambivalence again: Since the apartment has become real, things between us have become nicer again. We’ve had good conversations, closeness, pleasant days. She got sentimental and said that everything is happening so fast. She also painted this beautiful picture of us maybe being old one day, sitting together on a porch swing, looking back on our lives, satisfied that we raised our kids and didn’t become bitter or toxic with each other.
That calmed me down a lot. It showed me: she doesn’t want to erase me from her life. We have a deep friendship / family connection that is supposed to remain.
But then she also sometimes says things like she occasionally has hope for us. Or that maybe she talked herself into thinking the sex with me was worse than it actually was, and that it wasn’t always bad. That instantly gives me hope again. And then the next evening she’s back with M, and I’m sitting at home thinking: what the hell am I doing here? Why does she say things like that and then go back to him?
Rationally, I know: ambivalence is not a decision. Her having some hope is not a commitment. A beautiful moment is not a restored relationship.
But emotionally, it destroys me.
I keep asking myself: what would be ethical and healthy here?
Should I take more distance? Should I allow the closeness because it’s part of our goodbye / new friendship? Or is it breaking me? Should I stop talking about M? Or is it important to stay honest? How do you deal with a former romantic partner who is still the most important person in your life, the mother of your children, your best friend, your family, but no longer romantically available?
I also think I’m sliding into a kind of codependent dynamic. A friend of my wife described her relationship with M as more addictive than truly free love. Of course I can’t judge or diagnose that. But it triggered something in me, because I noticed: I’m trying to save her. I want to explain to her that this relationship isn’t good for her. I want her to realize that I would treat her with more love and safety. But that is probably exactly the trap. I can’t save her by repeatedly telling her how complicated and unhealthy all of this seems.
I think I need to stop getting stuck on her relationship with M.
Still, it’s hard, because I love her and I really think: we could have a beautiful life. With me, many things would be calmer, safer, more familiar. We’ve known each other for 14 years. We have children. We have a deep connection. Sometimes I think: if we did couples therapy, maybe something could come back. She herself says that she sometimes has hope. But then she’s back with M again.
I told her: I don’t want vague hope right now. If we ever got back together, we would need to work through it professionally.
My questions for you:
How would you handle this mix of separation, kids, deep friendship, remaining closeness and hope in an ENM/poly situation?
Does it make sense to take the small apartment as a test / retreat space, even though we currently feel very close again?
How much closeness is okay when one person still loves and hopes, while the other feels more friendship/family connection?
How can I set boundaries without becoming cold?
Should I accept it if she goes away with M and the kids?
Does anyone have experience with nesting / shared custody models in ENM contexts?
How do I stay connected without remaining available for everything?
I know I probably have a lot of self-work ahead of me too. In the relationship, I adapted a lot for a long time, defined myself strongly through family and the partner role, and didn’t really live much of my own identity. Maybe this apartment is also an attempt to find my own self again. But at the same time, it feels like a betrayal of the family, even though I know I’m not leaving my children.
Thanks for reading, if anyone made it this far. I’m pretty overwhelmed right now and would appreciate honest perspectives.
Oh this got pretty long.