Should I tell bcf?
I’m about a month into discovering I’m an NPE. I worked with a search angel to find bio dad. I confronted mom. It was a drunken one night stand. Presumably bcf doesn’t know. She says she never told him. They divorced 38 years ago. Bcf told me about a year ago that he thought mom cheated on him but he didn’t have any proof. So I assume that he still doesn’t know for sure that I’m not his.
Bcf is in his early 80’s. He’s in great health so I expect him to live at least 15 more years or longer based on his family history. But I still worry about telling him. I know it would be devastating.
Here’s the problem, he had three children he thought were biological (I’m the youngest of those three) and he had three step children. He has always had this weird thing where his biological kids seemed just a tad more important to him. Two of the step kids never lived with him full time so they might as well have been the neighbor’s kids. He raised one of the step kids from the age of 3ish. He calls him his son and my step bro calls bcf, “dad”. Even so, bcf clearly prefers the kids he thought were his biological children. My older brother who I thought was my full brother died about 30 years ago when he was 20ish. It was super devastating. Dead bro was the favorite of all the children. I love him completely and have nothing but fond memories of him, but he was still the favorite. That leaves older half sister, who I thought was half sister on bcf’s side but, after dna results we are not related by blood at all. She was diagnosed with a severe health problem and likely only has 4-5 years left to live. Bcf will most likely outlive her. Then I’ll be his only presumed bio kid left. But I’m not his bio kid.
I don’t want him to die knowing all his offspring are dead. I’m the only one left with his last name. I’m proud of the name. I’m the only one who had children who also carry his family name. But it kinda feels like a lie now. I honestly don’t know how I would react to find out my kids are not my own, so I don’t know how he would feel. Part of me would want to live the rest of my life oblivious, but part of me would want to know. I would still treat them as my own because I raised them and I love them and it would not have been their fault. But I don’t know if bcf would do the same for me. He probably wouldn’t cut me out of his life completely but I would be moved down several pegs in his view of importance. Having already been second or third in that line of the pecking order, I don’t feel great about moving down any further. Not that it would matter that much. I love him but our relationship has never been great.
Because I have no basis to understand how he will react, I don’t know if I should tell him or not. I would want to tell him out of respect. He deserves to know. But it could give him an aneurysm. He may not care at all. He may already know but refuses to tell me. I have no clue. What should I do?