u/throwawaysumday4

My bf (22) and I (22) live together with his dad and one of his older sisters(27). My bf and I always try and assist when we’re able to. Whether that’s cleaning out the fridge(whatever he lets us throw even moldy/old food is up for debate), taking out the trash, cutting yards, washing dishes, making dinner for everyone, etc. Nothing we complain about and we DON’T ask for anything (money, items, food, and more). I found that his dad holds us accountable for his daughters’ responsibilities that she refuses to do. For the longest she’s graduated college and hasn’t worked in so long, and doesn’t know how to do anything. Ontop of that is disgustingly unclean and neglectful to her dog; she got the dog with her ex, so she refuses to give him away to a better loving home. She’s always asking the dad for money, or he gets her whatever she wants even if it breaks his pockets, if not she cries to get her way. I believe it stresses him out, but he can’t be direct with her without being manipulated or guilted. Somehow, it becomes an issue for my bf and I.

We try our best to help out and not be a bother but her lack of contribution makes things stressful. His dad’s demeanor feels like resentment towards his daughter but directed at us. He’ll start to make accusations/claims that “no one” helps him, no one does anything, and that he barely has money. He’ll send passive aggressive paragraphs to my bf and I about doing more which involves stuff we currently contribute to and the stuff his daughter refuses to. Such as cleaning up after her dog when he tears up a mess or does his business on the floor, remembering to feed and take him outside, cleaning the carpet because it smells like ammonia, and so much more. Even things not regarding her dog and just borderline cleaning up after her like a toddler. I do feel heartbroken for the dog. He just sits inside all day bored while she leaves/comes back to hangout/party/go on dates and doesn’t bother to let him use the bathroom. We’re not evil so my bf and I take him outside and play with him.

It’s bothersome that the off chance we can’t help his dad, he instantly becomes angry. Our help isn’t acknowledged or appreciated but always expected especially when his daughter is lazy. It adds enormous stress to always receive the backlash and do extra.

I don’t think I’m wrong to say I’d rather not help someone who expects other people to take on their responsibilities and help someone who can’t direct their frustration at the right people. There’s so much more to it. We’re exhausted and saving up to leave. Is it even worth trying to fight against it?

I’ve decided that my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend won’t be as long term as I originally wanted nor is it even sustainable.
Realizing now that our relationship has always been one sided; financially, emotionally, and intellectually. At times even abusive over the smallest interactions because he doesn’t know how to feel or express his emotions.
He struggles with severe anxiety. I’ve supported him throughout his struggle for the 3 years we’ve been together; I know it’s not simple. At first, he made me believe it would get better and his situation would’ve progressed overtime but now he makes the same excuses as to why he can’t or gets hostile. When the topic of therapy, gov’t disability, going out together, or managing it is brought up, he becomes stubborn and even agressive towards me. Mentions how his ex girlfriends or other future partners wouldn’t bother him and basically let him do what he wants all while in his company. Calling me out my name, downloading dating apps and threatening to end our relationship over it only to apologize after and state that he loves me and didn’t want me gone. I’ve loved and supported him in anyway I could just to be degraded/abused/accused/criticized/talked down to almost everyday by him. I didn’t want to even have a conversation with him anymore at that point. So, I’ve learned to not mention or do anything around him while still supporting him, but my keeping distance. I’m not the type to just leave someone because they don’t have it together but I will if I see your taking advantage, being inconsiderate of how I’m affected, and not having any determination to grow.
To add, I was the only one expected/forced to work into getting our lives somewhere better, while he sat at home playing games, watched Youtube, and drawing even though he also had tons of task he needed to do. “You need to find a job. It stresses me out that we both don’t have jobs”. Anything we need came from my pockets, any activities we did was out of my pockets, anything we did I always planned and drove. I’m willing to spend the last of my money on him or us, but he wouldn’t.
While working and going to classes, he’d rarely contributed to house stuff and it wouldn’t be done until I did it. If he did, he’d complain that I needed to do more and if I didn’t I was a “bad partner”; so I tried to take on more. I’d tell him not to forget stuff or do it when he could but instead he’d play games, watch youtube, draw all night and forget then made excuses wondering why I’m upset. He complains for 50/50 but honestly it’s 95/5. If I brought up how everything was making me feel, he would leverage our relationship and say he wants to find someone who “understands” him and his anxiety. Ontop of that saying I don’t love/support him and I’m a bad girlfriend.

This relationship has been such a rollercoaster of lies and this wasn’t even half of it. I was tired of my mental health declining and allowing myself to be treated this way because I want the best for someone and to have a life together. I’ve tried my hardest to make it work, I’ve cried and wanted to “not continue my journey” many occasions but I’m still here despite it all. I’m learning to love people from a distance and to put me first. I have no ill intent but I do wish the best for him, and his life, but I just cant participate in this kind of “partnership” anymore.

He may manipulate the reasons I left (left because i couldn’t accept him and his anxiety) and that’s what initially made me hesitate in leaving. I’m not sure if my decision was right and maybe he would’ve changed. I don’t want to feel like I left someone because their struggling. I’m conflicted.