u/thrownastreet

Haven't had any friends since I was 13, chopped, autistic, don't play video games or have much hobbies so feel super out of touch with people my age, is there even a point anymore, everyone seems to be doing better than me lmao I'm the ultimate loser

I genuinely think I will never be able to have friends, I have so much distrust towards everyone and I just hate actually interacting with people, I can't believe this will never just magically go away, I have to live the rest of my life like this

When a normal human goes through the process of getting a friend, it goes like this: They chat for a bit, eventually warm up to each other, start doing things together and develop a bond. For me, this just doesn't work. There are so many risks that come with having friends that the much safer option is to be alone. For example you have to both participate in the friendship. That would mean I have to text first sometimes. But how can I? I already know my social value is very low. My potential "friend" would see hanging out with me as a chore, right? The only friends that I've had since ~6th grade only texted me if they had nothing to do because their friends were out of town etc. Also, despite wanting connection, after about a couple hours of talking to someone my social battery drops to 0 and we end up sitting in silence. And I don't feel the bond strengthening. In fact I've never felt a connection to someone despite being "friends". Literally all my friendships were chores to me. Yes, just like how I imagine the other person would treat me, I treat others. But even if I know I'm projecting and my way of thinking is flawed, there is seemingly no escape. Ghosting people feels like such a relief. But whenever I see people having fun I think "that could be me, if my brain wasn't so fucking flawed". I also want to laugh with others and feel a bond but I just can't. Why is this disorder so hypocritical? At low points I keep making up these imaginary friends that would understand me and I'd feel so perfect, but I don't let these thoughts get too deep since that's obviously pathetic. Not even gonna mention friend groups, they scare me. Compared to the chore of a friendship they are a whole ass job. You have to actively participate on facebook, instagram, snapchat, discord, whatever the fuck. And if you do something stupid they're not gonna let you forget. Anyways, time to doomscroll or something, seems like the best thing to do is keep my brain occupied with some dumb slop. And another day passes as I do nothing.

I feel like I'm on the border between these two. On one hand, I have social anxiety and a big fear of disapproval in social situations. I keep making up reasons why people would dislike me and I have a deep distrust of everyone in general. On the other hand, I don't really feel that lonely despite having no friends or anything. I only feel an obligation to have friends so I can feel normal in society. Like when you inevitably have to enter a conversation with someone you can tell a story that happened to you or your friend, you don't wanna be like "Uhh... I actually did absolutely nothing today, or yesterday, or for the past X years in general". I don't feel a big connection to anyone, and I could cut off anyone if I wanted to and feel nothing of it. I'm writing this because I read the Wikipedia page on SzPD and honestly I relate to a lot of it. But I also relate to the posts on this sub, so I don't really know how this works. Can you really have 2 at once?

I can't be proud of anything I do because I don't deserve it. Why don't I deserve it? Obviously I'm subhuman or something. There's something in my brain that tells me that and worst of all I fully believe it. It's weird being able to talk about such delusional behavior while also believing in it but that's how it is. I just don't see myself as a person like other people. I literally feel like it's just a proven, well tested, "everyone knows that" type of fact that I'm below a normal human. And this is why I don't deserve happiness, love or friends. After every social interaction I'm like "Ok, what did I do wrong. Does this leave me with a neutral score or have I fucked up and now this person/people hate me". My social goal in life is only to not get people to hate me and while some would consider this a bar so low it's underground, for me this is a hard task somehow since one little wrong facial expression (or even nothing at all) can make me feel like it's over. It doesn't also help that I'm really lazy and I struggle with finishing tasks. If I could, at least I could be considered a hard worker and that could be a source of pride. But I got little to no redeeming qualities. I'm not really an expert on anything, doing literally anything other than scrolling Youtube/Tiktok requires serious determination for me and I'm probably considered eccentric to others because of being autistic asf. I will probably never succeed in life and that also brings me down. I'm currently in high school and the thought of having to go to university and move to a different city and having to be roommates with the type of people who go to parties every day etc just makes me depressed. What can you do as someone who's worthless? Maybe I should embrace it and go crazy and make everyone believe I fully derailed and then collect benefits from the government lol. But there's still something in me that wants to at least larp as a normal functioning person.

Every single little joke about me that other people would call banter hurts me more than I wish it did. It sucks being a shy male since everyone is always so confident, I hate how friend groups consist of making fun of each other so much, it's not that I think everyone else is a bully, more that I'm too scared to joke about other people because of my super low self esteem and let others joke about me. I feel like if I tried to do this playful banter thing everyone would just start staring at me like I went a step too far or something and then I'd just retreat into isolation. Oh wait, this scenario has already happened many times. I'm so scared of criticism, I just realized this is what makes me always pushed out of friend groups, they all have that one punching bag and your objective is to basically keep your social position up to not become one, and I just keep losing that game. I also don't smile too much because of the fact I barely talk to anyone which makes people probably think I'm cold or something. And for the ones that tell me to find better people, literally everyone is like this. I'm truly not fucking fit for human interaction, I'm such a pussy man, fuck this shit

I'm 16. These are supposed to be the years of your life where you have the most fun, since you don't have to work yet. But all I do is just sit inside all day (and go to school, but it's very boring, I don't talk to anybody). I haven't had anybody to talk to in so long that I kinda lost touch with others my age. Social media for mass consumption like Tiktok or YouTube are really my only way to "keep in touch", but obviously this doesn't work well. I'm too scared to even check my snapchat or instagram, I've gotten friend requests from some people that I didn't see at first and now I'm just ignoring them since I guess it's too late now lmao. I don't text anybody first since obviously I'm just wasting their time, "why is this pathetic excuse of a human even writing to me" is what I think they think. I'm literally just incompatible with having friends I guess. Uni is gonna be even worse since everyone in my country is a fucking carbon copy of each other, everyone's fav activity is to party and drink. I'm not even gonna try to get a gf since I know this is futile. I feel so inhuman. I swear idk how I'm gonna survive this shit.

I feel like no self worth is what's making my life so shit. I always feel like my soul is rotten and I'm hiding some deep dark secret that would destroy me if it got out, so when I talk I make sure to avoid talking about myself and anything I do. And every person just seems like they're more human than me. It literally feels like being a horrible criminal, everyone knows who you are and what you did but it's not socially acceptable to mention it, and then you trying to talk to people. It's basically impossible bc you know everyone despises you. It also makes me less empathetic especially towards people who feel happy. I want everyone to be as miserable as me since I'm jealous of the fact they're so "clean". It doesn't help being ND and everyone making that one facial expression whenever you try to join a conversation, you can see on their face the disgust. You don't belong. Like They: "Yeah I watched that new movie it was peak" Me: "Ik right it was crazy" They: "Haha yeah sure... buddy" *goes away to a different spot* How is it irrational to think there's something wrong with me if this happens all the time? I'm not a human, and I will never be a true friend. It's so hard to live life with this condition. Everything you do is wrong in some way. I try to do a task, "No you weren't supposed to do it like that!!!" Then I see everyone else doing it correctly, how? No making friends with other autistic people doesn't help me, they're equally as social and even more annoying. I can't listen to you fucking yap about your special interest for 5 hours while you go silent if I try to even say anything different. Maybe I just grew up in a shitty environment but it feels like literally everyone is a psychopathic asshole who is either trying to use you or make fun of you. Or maybe it's my delusions. Idk