u/tinkertockerjess

Hey all. Just need to vent and seek some advice or words of wisdom/kindness from others who understand.

Addiction has always ran in my family, specifically alcoholism. I (28F), with bipolar, only started smoking when I was 18 and entered my freshman year of college, but man when I started…. I didn’t stop. Over the years it’s just escalated. I’d smoke the moment I woke up, throughout the day and any activity. From edibles, to wax, bongs and gravity bongs, joints, blunts, pens, drinks…. Everything. For a while, I was smoking HALF AN OUNCE A WEEK. BY MYSELF.

About 2 years ago, I started having horrible cyclic vomiting where I would be sick for days on end, throwing up bile and unable to stomach anything. This would happen every few months till about last year, when it really escalated. Id be so sick, my hands and legs start cramping and honestly start jerking like I was having a seizure. My heart rate was horribly high and my BP dangerously low. Many doctors and GI specialists. One suggested CHS, but I blew it off. I was in denial. I still am.

Despite being in denial, I’d quit. I’d quit for a few months, feel really good about myself and like maybe I can lightly indulge. Maybe I can hit my friend’s pen while we’re out? Oh that’s nice. Maybe I can hit it a few times next time? Nice! Oh, now I’m craving it. Maybe just buy an eighth just for this weekend? Done in a day. Might as well pick up again. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Until I start having horrible nausea. I don’t even get the beginning phase of CHS anymore, just right into the worst of it.

And that’s where I am right now. Crying in bed because I feel so pathetic that I can’t acknowledge or accept that I have an addiction that is wrecking havoc on my body and mental health. I am so ashamed of myself because I just always want more of it. I still love weed, but fuck dude, it’s destroying me. I hate myself for this, but when I start smoking again, no matter how little, it always develops into full blown stoner mode again and then the sick cycle repeats

I’m so ashamed and angry with myself. I’ve wasted so much of my life being high and now, so much of my life being sick because of it. And the money… but that’s a whole other topic. I just feel so pathetic.

Hey all. Just need to vent and seek some advice or words of wisdom/kindness from others who understand.

Addiction has always ran in my family, specifically alcoholism. I (28F), with bipolar, only started smoking when I was 18 and entered my freshman year of college, but man when I started…. I didn’t stop. Over the years it’s just escalated. I’d smoke the moment I woke up, throughout the day and any activity. From edibles, to wax, bongs and gravity bongs, joints, blunts, pens, drinks…. Everything. For a while, I was smoking HALF AN OUNCE A WEEK. BY MYSELF.

About 2 years ago, I started having horrible cyclic vomiting where I would be sick for days on end, throwing up bile and unable to stomach anything. This would happen every few months till about last year, when it really escalated. Id be so sick, my hands and legs start cramping and honestly start jerking like I was having a seizure. My heart rate was horribly high and my BP dangerously low. Many doctors and GI specialists. One suggested CHS, but I blew it off. I was in denial. I still am.

Despite being in denial, I’d quit. I’d quit for a few months, feel really good about myself and like maybe I can lightly indulge. Maybe I can hit my friend’s pen while we’re out? Oh that’s nice. Maybe I can hit it a few times next time? Nice! Oh, now I’m craving it. Maybe just buy an eighth just for this weekend? Done in a day. Might as well pick up again. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Until I start having horrible nausea. I don’t even get the beginning phase of CHS anymore, just right into the worst of it.

And that’s where I am right now. Crying in bed because I feel so pathetic that I can’t acknowledge or accept that I have an addiction that is wrecking havoc on my body and mental health. I am so ashamed of myself because I just always want more of it. I still love weed, but fuck dude, it’s destroying me. I hate myself for this, but when I start smoking again, no matter how little, it always develops into full blown stoner mode again and then the sick cycle repeats

I’m so ashamed and angry with myself. I’ve wasted so much of my life being high and now, so much of my life being sick because of it. And the money… but that’s a whole other topic. I just feel so pathetic.