u/tiny-raindr0p

my sweetest girl, lucy (15 y.o. toy rat terrier), was diagnosed with stage 3 kidney disease last monday with numbers dangerously close to kidney failure. she did 3 days of fluids treatment at the vet and came home and it seemed like she was doing so much better, especially because when they retested her bloodwork, her numbers had dropped significantly. over the weekend she lost interest in food and we were grasping at straws getting her to eat anything (baby food, boiled chicken, etc.) but nothing stuck. after taking her in for a quality of life assessment yesterday, we knew it was time to set up her appointment to cross the rainbow bridge and be at peace without pain and discomfort. she got so many special treats after the vet had administered a steroid shot and sub-q fluids for her comfort and we cuddled and went a long walk with me holding her and just spent such a special night together last night. she woke me up several times and every time she was seemingly declining further, she could hardly eat or drink, and she couldn’t support herself up. this morning, her breathing was shallow and labored and we knew we had to do it today. she went so peacefully, staring up at me, her mommy, with loving eyes.

i am a wreck. i know i did the right thing at the right moment because i don’t know if she would’ve made it through the weekend but i miss her so much. holding her lifeless body was so foreign and i could tell her soul had moved on to a better place and that it was just her vessel in my arms. i just am seeking comfort in knowing that she knows i tried everything for her and that i loved her beyond comprehension. that i traded her pain for my own and that i’ll think of her until i cross over. will i see her again on the other side?

i’m just sitting in so much discomfort. she was my soul dog, she spent half of my life by my side and i am struggling with my grief now that she’s gone.

my sweet girl (15 y/o toy rat terrier) was diagnosed with stage 3 kidney disease last monday. she did 3 days of fluids at the vet and was feeling much better and her numbers were looking so good, but this week has been rough. she refuses her kidney food and to get her to eat something, i boiled her chicken with rice last night which she barely picked at and was not interested in this morning.

she’s going to the vet in an hour and i’m certain that there is no way that this appointment won’t end with us scheduling her to be put down within a few days. she’s been with me half of my life and all of my adult life. i’m unsure how life will feel once her time with me is done. i told her a couple of years ago, during one of my anticipatory grief spirals, to let me know when she is ready and i’ll listen and now that it’s happening, i’m not ready to let go.

i value her quality of life so i know that i would rather bear the pain and grief and heartbreak for her to be relieved of her pain and discomfort. she’s my tiniest little soul mate and i truly hope that i get to see her again, in another life.

UPDATE: thank you all for the kindest words ever. i’m literally copying them into my journal to continue to reflect on. she rapidly declined over night and i made the tough decision to let her cross the rainbow bridge today. it hurts so bad being without her but i’m unsure that she would’ve made it through the weekend. she was the best lil companion ever and i am so grateful for my time with her. my parting words to her were “i love you, i’ll see you on the other side” 🩷🐾