My abuser is dying. I love them, but I don't want to see them.
F/29.
I have been no-contact with my family for years, but they keep reaching out. I've blocked them, lived in several countries, and they always seem to find me. I haven't had social media for years because I've felt too scared to share anything about my life without them using it. They constantly try to guilt trip me into talking to them again.
Main abusers are my mother and grandmother. Without getting too much into details, they manipulated me into being the porcelain doll they wanted me to be, to the point I erased my whole personality just to be the person they sought to turn me into otherwise I was met with physical, mental, and psychological abuse. It appears my grandmother is dying and asking about me, and yet while I feel guilt... I become a deer in headlights just thinking about facing her again. Everytime my mom calls me (she keeps getting new numbers because I block them, but I haven't blocked her latest one because she now knows where I live and I'm afraid of her showing up and playing victim which she has done before multiple times) I get super paranoid and have suicidal thoughts. The nightmares get worse, too. It's like every time I try to go out of hiding and live my life, they show up, and I want to disappear.
I am afraid in my own home. When she calls, I turn off all electronic devices, I don't play music or watch shows with volume on during the day, or I take sleeping pills to make the day go by faster, only really feeling safe after 5 PM because I know they won't show up unannounced after that time.