How much/when to micromanage grades and school for a teen
Looking for advice here regarding the above. Sorry in advance for a long post.
My 15yo stepdaughter was diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive) a little over a year ago (basically the summer before 9th grade). To provide a little background on her schooling, she attended private Christian schools with very small classroom sizes (like 12-15 max) from K-8th. I’ve been in her life since she was 3 1/2 but was not really very involved in making decisions surrounding her education until she came to live with me and my husband/her father full time at age 13.
Strangely I’m the only one in her family that ever picked up on the thought that she may be ADHD (from a young age, at that) and took the initiative to have her tested (relevant, I believe, to add here that she was completely on board with the testing, and by this point had already been in treatment for a year and a half with a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety as well, which she brought to my attention upon asking to try therapy a couple of years ago).
We are very close, she calls me her mom, and she jokes to me a lot about how I “keep her in line” lol. By that she just means that I support her, I am there for her, and I have always been the one to aid her in pursuing care for her various mental health issues. It also, however, speaks to the fact that I stay on her about (among other things) her assignments and her grades, minimize her distractions by employing strict rules around screens at home/before bed/etc. and just generally help her remember things using various systems around the house like a family calendar, checklists, white boards, etc.
Overall she’s a pretty good student and always has been. She was one of those kids that kind of coasted through elementary school and up until 7th grade, which was the first time she ever struggled in class. Her grades dropped from straight A’s to low B’s/C’s in her problem subjects (mainly science and math) and by 8th grade she was failing a couple of classes. The toughest part was that she had kind of always managed her schoolwork herself, there was very little that we ever had to involve ourselves in so it came as a surprise when all of a sudden she was bringing home these lower report cards. Neither she nor any of her teachers had given us any kind of indication that she was suffering. I obviously involved myself at this point and spoke with her teachers and worked with her to bring all of her grades up to at least passing by the end of her 8th grade year.
Last year, 9th grade, was her first year in public school. She transitioned pretty well and she was happy but her grades were still an issue. But now, I all of a sudden had access to all of this grade and assignment reporting for parents on school apps that public schools use which had never been at our disposal before. Throughout the year I would login and check it periodically (this is also how we viewed progress reports and report cards—physical ones were not sent home—but I logged in probably once a week). Each time I did, I would follow up with her about missing assignments I saw and question her when I saw concerning assignment/exam grades. She was also on the freshman volleyball team which was demanding and so I was concerned from the perspective of balancing athletics and academics as well. There were multiple times throughout the year where she had a failing grade in a class, and I was genuinely concerned that had I not intervened it would have stayed that way. I love her and I know she struggles with keeping up with these things, prioritization, etc. Her absolute biggest struggle is executive functioning.
As it ended up, she finished 9th grade with all passing grades (some just barely but still). The school she was attending did not end up being a great fit so she is now elsewhere for 10th grade. We are one week into school and I really do not want to micromanage her again this year the way I did last year, for several reasons. First of all, she’s almost 16 and I don’t want to continue to hold her hand and prohibit her from learning some of this on her own. Second of all, I’m 36 weeks pregnant with her third sibling and just have a lot on my plate, so although I of course plan on being there to support her and advocate for her as needed, I really want her to get to a place where I can trust that she is turning in all of her assignments and managing her own workload using these same tools that she has at her disposal.
For the record, none of this would blindside her; we had multiple conversations over the summer about how I intend to take a step back this year and stop micromanaging her schoolwork and how I want her to take more initiative with logging into these portals daily, checking what is due, turning things in on time, establishing systems for herself based on what I and her psychologist taught her, and conferring with her teachers as needed. The school she is attending now, which she asked us to transfer to for 10th grade, is more challenging than the school she attended last year. It is the top high school in the district. Her personality is definitely such that she thrives more in an environment where more is expected of her; she likes to be challenged and that is the main reason she transferred schools. She is highly ambitious, and all of her peers at her old school were very lackadaisical about grades and graduation. She spent 90% of her day on a Chromebook versus receiving actual stimulating instruction and her teachers were not very challenging or responsive in their styles.
I want to think in this new environment that she will do better, but I guess what I need advice on without being any more long-winded is: how much do you expect to handhold or micromanage academics with your older ADHD children? I know logically that she needs to obtain these skills before she is truly out on her own in college and I can no longer help her, however I also don’t want to see her fail, so what lines have you drawn that have been successful for you and your child at this age?
FYI she does have a 504 plan and accommodations in place and she is medicated for both anxiety and ADHD.
Thank you!