r/ADHDparenting

My husband has never hit our daughter before, but today, in a moment of anger, he slapped her once.. To be fair, she was at fault, and I also scold her when she does something wrong.

But seeing my husband scold her and hit her made me feel completely shattered. I couldn't stop crying. I know she made a mistake, but somehow it hurt so much more when it came from him.

I don't even know why I reacted this strongly. Has any other mom experienced something similar? How did you deal with these emotions, and how did you talk to your partner afterward?

I am completely out of ideas and at my wits end. For the past year, my son has been more or less terrorizing our 3 cats. He chases them, screams in their faces, picks them up against their will and will occasionally try to hit or kick one when he thinks nobody is watching. Earlier he (lightly) tried to strangle the cat, according to my father in law. None of the cats have actually been injured and they appear to be unbothered. We have tried talking to him about it (cats have feelings, we want to be nice to animals, etc). We've put him in timeout. We've taken away things from him. I thought after he got used to the cats, harassing them wouldn't be so intriguing for him. I was wrong. It's been a year and it is a DAILY issue. I don't want to re-home our animals because this is the only home they've ever known and they would probably end up in a shelter. Not to mention, two of them are very close (from the same litter) and I think separating them would break their hearts. Please, tell me how I can get him to stop bullying our pets.

I have a 4 year old little boy. (He turns 5 in December)
Around last August we started noticing his behavior was changing tantrums, biting, hitting, throwing things extreme outbursts. I thought it was because we moved and had baby sister… well fast forward to the new year and his school he has been doing go for 2 and half years couldn’t control him so I pulled him out and got him evaluated for autism and adhd. (He also tried speech therapy but they couldn’t get him to stop and listen)
Anyways the psychologist diagnosed him with adhd and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). She told me he needed to be on medication I would have to go to his pediatrician and see if she would prescribe him anything. Well he has been on intuniv since May. I feel like it calmed him down some but some days he just seemed out of it and had no motivation so I messaged the doctor and said we need to do something so she told me to give him intuniv at night and she prescribed Vyvanse about a month ago. Some days he’s absolutely great and others it’s complete outbursts lasting for hours, hitting screaming and biting. I was so against medication and I know it’s not a fix me all but I don’t know what else to do. He is supposed to start pre-k next month and I’m not sure if he can handle it. I want to help him so bad. I’m on a waitlist for speech therapy and play therapy but it’s a mile long. Does anyone have any tips because I’m absolutely at a loss.. it has made our everyday life hard because I’m not sure what’s going to cause him to have an outburst.

First off, I know it's irrational, but I was so hopeful when we started meds that we would have improvements. However, both of the ones we've tried have made things worse. I feel frustrated for my child. She is so sweet and doesn't understand why she feels so bad. For reference, she's barely 5.

Strattera - no changes in emotional reactions or impulsivity. She became MORE emotional and prone to meltdowns and her sleep was restless so she was exhausted. That didn't help her regulate.

Vyvanse - only tried it one time so far but yesterday was a complete disaster. She was tearful over the tiniest little thing and difficult to console (which is very unusual). She would cry for at least 15 minutes over the smallest thing). Once she would calm down, she would start crying again and say, "I don’t mean to be fussy," over and over. Mind you, we knew that and were not frustrated with her but she was so worried we were. Then, last night, she fell asleep okay, but woke up at 11 and was awake until 430 this morning. I did give it to her again today on the hopes that it was a day 1 issue and will get better.

Please keep your fingers crossed for us. One month before school and we are hoping to get a handle on things before then!

My son is 7yo. He's honestly such a great kid. He's kind, respectful, helpful. But when he gets upset about something, it's a complete meltdown. It can be something as small as "it's time to brush our teeth" some days, even though other days this ask is no big deal at all.

When he gets upset, he'll scream at us, punch furniture, kick stuff, throw stuff. This happens a few times a week, not daily. And if it happens, it's usually just once in the day.

We've tried so many approaches. Staying calm and trying to help him calm down (breath work, focusing on something, etc.) We've tried timeouts. We've tried "calm down" areas with stress balls, fidgets, etc. We've tried harsher discipline (yelling unfortunately, removing video games, stand in the corner).

I do think I'm seeing some minor improvements, like the last couple days he seems to calm a little faster.

He is in therapy as well. They're working on tools to help his thought patterns because he gets stuck in "I'm horrible" or "I'm not capable" often. But when the outbursts happen, there's no chance that he will actually use these tools in the moment. If we're lucky, we can get him to use a breathing exercise.

What can we do to help? I know he's getting quickly dysregulated. I know yelling isn't making it better. I just don't know what to do.

Hi everyone.

I am looking for recommendations for a Provincial Online Learning School (POLS) for my 13-year-old daughter who is entering Grade 9. She missed almost all of Grade 8 due to severe health struggles.

She needs a completely online, highly flexible, asynchronous format due to severe anxiety, depression, borderline PTSD, OCD, Tourette's, ADHD, and suspected autism.

We are based in Quesnel, BC. We have her clinical records and discharge summaries from her recent stay at the Adolescent Psychiatric Assessment Unit in Prince George. She also has an active CYMH clinician here in Quesnel who is fully supportive of online schooling.

We will be using this medical backing to pursue an IEP and a provincial Category H designation.

We are currently on income assistance, so budget is a major factor for us. Our current laptop is too old to run online learning portals, so she will need a new device to access her classes.

I am currently looking closely at SelfDesign, EBUS, and Navigate NIDES.

If your child has a similar profile and attends or has attended any of these schools, what has your experience been like with their special education support, navigating designations, and overall flexibility? Did the school provide a loaner laptop, or did you successfully use a BC low-income tech program?

Thank you.

We are moving making a big, multi state move in a few days and so we are, of course, down to the wire getting everything packed. That means our son, who is five and has a lot of trouble playing alone, or really doing much at home alone, basically watched TV all day today. Like from breakfast to dinner with a break for lunch. It was like that for most of yesterday too although he did get out of the house for a play therapy appointment and some errands.

He is pretty happy with the screen time but I feel like a terrible parent. He has been asked to help a number of times but he doesn't really know what to do (and is not very interested in learning) and honestly, it's easier to get just get it done at this point. He is going a little stir crazy though and has a lot of energy with nowhere to go. Hopefully we'll have some time tomorrow to take a walk or hang out at least. It's also super hot and humid here so just sending him outside isn't an option, and he wouldn't really go without one of us out there.

Just venting about creating a situation where he ends up being more hyperactive, but it's necessary that we focus on packing.

Any tips?

Hi everyone

My husband and I are super stressed about the idea of starting our 8yo son on meds.

I have been in favor of the idea for a couple of years based on the research I was reading but my husband was very much against it. We are very involved and supportive parents and adore our kiddo. Lately we both started to feel that our son might need something to help him.

We finally had an appointment yesterday with a psychiatrist (who had previously diagnosed him with adhd at age 5 and had at age 6 said he didn’t need meds at that time).

In the lead up to that appointment i was sure he would prescribe ritalin or concerta but was shocked that he prescribed strattera (where we live only these 3 adhd meds exist).

I was so excited about having this appointment and getting started with meds bur afterwards we both felt so anxious. Being told about possible side effects like headaches, nausea, rare things like kidney issues, etc made us feel like we couldn’t possibly give our child such serious medications or “harm” them. This is not specific to strattera i think we would have had the same panic for stimulants.

I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it.

Now I feel torn. He had a good morning today and I truly love him as he is!

But I also know that his relationships are affected by his adhd, his schooling, his ability to do sports, his emotional regulation, his self esteem etc etc

I also know the risks of untreated adhd…

Today i taught him how to swallow a pill using tic tacs, we had fun, and he managed. I also told him there are medicines and supplements that can help him and his brain feel calmer.

The dr’s explanation for choosing strattera is that in his opinion our son needs 24hr coverage not just at school.

So basically we need encouragement.

Both about meds in general and about strattera, and even about how to make sure he takes them every day! I can easily imagine him refusing!

Please no horror stories about straterra or meds i have read enough of those :-(

Thanks

Happy 4th (Americans)! Funny I just discovered these videos on Independence Day. I’m on a binge right now!

Okay, so has anyone else seen Dr. Josh Madsen’s youtube videos yet? He’s a pediatric functional neurologist and it looks like he’s spreading the word about the link between primitive reflexes and adhd and autism. I learned some of this info (like 1-2% maybe) from my child development classes in college in the early 2000’s. But this is blowing me away tonight.

Basically, when one of the steps of infant-toddler sensory & gross motor development gets skipped, it has a huge impact on cognition & executive functioning… and the fight or flight response (the meltdowns many of us get to enjoy). 🫣 And when certain milestones or processes are skipped, we hang on to our associated primitive reflexes.

Anyway, there are tests to see if individual reflexes are still present or have disappeared yet. When certain reflexes are still present, like the moro ‘startle’ reflex, it leads to things like poor impulse control, poor ability to focus, short attention span, and anxiety and exaggerated fight or flight responses.

I feel awakened! This explains so many things in myself and the child. (And actually, my late dad, too, come to think of it.)

Good news: it’s almost never too late to retrain the brain so the reflexes get dropped & the prefrontal cortex can mature. And the behavior changes can be fast (depending in their age). Happy educational awareness!!! I hope we all remember to ask our doctors to check at our next appointments!

Our doc said to give it to our 8 year old in the morning but that we could switch to evening if it caused sleepiness. Wondering what worked best for your kids 💕

It’s the first med we try ever and we are so nervous especially about side effects

My son is 9. He has ADHD and mild ASD, and every day he tells us he can't stop thinking about death. It scares him, keeps him awake at night, and makes him cry. It isn't a passing thought, it's hours of dwelling on the finality of death.

When he was younger he used to tell us he sometimes had bad thoughts, and when they entered his mind he couldn't shake them. Usually it was that someone might die, or he might be hurt. But that hasn't happened for a year or more. And now this.

It's been going on like this for about two weeks. Have any other parents encountered this? How did you deal with it?

Hallo ADHD parenting community,

First off I want to say that this is an alt account, since I have family and friends following my first and I don't want them to see what a failure I am.

First off, my daughter just turned 12. Since she was a toddler I noticed she is different, everyone around me told me don't worry, she'll get quieter when she gets older. She got praised everywhere for her imagination, collaboration, her outgoingness and so on. Teacher always told be what a pleasure she is.

Her grades are ok, most B some A. She loves books, she reads a lot. But her writing and spelling is atrocious. In grade 4 she had a teacher who told us not to worry, most things are nowadays written on the PC anyways. Which was stupid. We still tried to work with her at home and bring it in order. But for example, my SK child who is just learning to write has a neater handwriting. She can write nicely but she "never has time to do so".

Personal hygiene is still a problem. And I am worried that it even gets a bigger problem once she starts her period.

She has problems with peers because of her poor impulse control and her still being very immature compared to most of her school peers. She has though a good tight friend group.

My husband fought me long and hard to get her diagnosed, he was worried that she will get stigmatized and that it will make it harder. It took 2 grades and 4 different teacher that he finally agreed to go through with it. She was diagnosed last February. The pediatrician wanted First to only put her on an iep at school and she if that helps.

But its not only affecting her in school so what will it change? For example she learns an instrument and cant move to the higher program because of her behavior and attentiveness (playing in a band is big part of the program and other Band members need to rely on you). She loves it. Since 2 years she is stuck in the lower program.

Her behavior hurts the relationship with her brothers. When its not about her, she will ruin it for everyone. 2 weeks ago it was one of her siblings birthday, and that sibling is still hurt of how she behaved when it came to cake and candle blowing.

The younger sibling gets hit here and there for example she calls him to show something and then once she has enough she lashes out to get him away. He loves her so much he always defends her.

With me, she hit me several times, I do my best not to raise my voice anymore. Yesterday she threw arts and crafts supplies at me because I asked her to take a shower since she hadnt in a while and really needed it before leaving the house. She hasnt really brushed her hair in about 3 days just pretty quick, it is tangled and looks really wild. I gave her, gently,.options to cut it shorter, she freaked and said no, but she also doesnt want to take care of it.

About a week ago we had an appointment again for her and spoke about getting her on medication to help with impuls control and concentration ( organization skills is also very very bad). The first days it seemed good. The sat 2 days she seem to crash hard about 3pm. And this morning was pretty bad. She has music lessons, but she freaked again. She wouldn't use proper words and just growl at everyone in anger. No brushed hair. Its getting so bad.

Over the years I tried so many things. But by now I feel burned out. I'm crying a lot. I don't know how I can fix it. If it will eventually get better. I feel everyone in our family, including her, is suffering. It sounds horrible but when she is out and about our house has such a different, peacefull vibe, which is horrendous to say and think. We love her, but i feel like I'm failing her, failing the other kids and failing myself.

I often see myself watching other mother daughter duos who seem to have such a nice relationship doing fun things together. I feel jealous and at the same time beat myself up for even having these thoughts.

Next week we have check in with the doctor again, to talk about how the first round of meds went. I hope we will figure out at one point how to help her and with that help the rest of the family.

I am sorry for this wall of text, I don't think I have anyone around me with whom I could share my thoughts. Maybe someone here went through similar and understands. Maybe someone can tell.me.what I need to change, what I do wrong. How I can support my daughter but also the rest of the family.

At the moment it feels like my cup is empty.

Thank you for reading.

She took our 8 year old ASD ADHD son to watch the musical Six. We have friends who have seen it with their kids and he loves musicals.

Since then he’s been singing lines like “he doesn’t want to bang you, somebody hang you”, and the other day asked rather loudly “what does ‘can’t get it up’ mean?” (Thankfully there was no one around who could hear that time).

It’s like he has a sixth sense for knowing what is the most inappropriate part to say. All the other lines from the songs, doesn’t bother. Just the risqué ones, over and over. We’ve tried telling him not to, but it’s like he can’t help himself.

Anyone else find this?

My 7F Daughter has been so regulated lately and I’ve had high hopes. We even went on vacation last week without incident and had an amazing time. Today, we had plans to go to the beach. My best friend and her family (she has a 5F daughter) traveled an hour to come too.

Our girls played nicely all day, swam, shared, had a great time. After being at the beach for 4-5 hours in 105 degree heat, my daughter turned “dark”. This happens when she’s tired, hungry, or both. Then, she said something mean to my friend’s daughter and made her cry. My best friend is a total “mama bear” type and can be overprotective and gets defensive and upset when her daughter’s feelings are hurt. I’ve had this discussion with her that they are kids, and she acknowledges she’s too protective at times.

Well, it happened again and my bff got defensive of her daughter. The ironic thing is my bff has adhd herself!!! Anyway, her reaction to my kid sent me into a spiral and instead of deescalating the situation, I made it worse because I immiedately told my kid she was punished when she got home. My kid went then into full tantrum mode. This was at the end of the day so we packed up our shit and left.

I feel so sad. I’m upset she acted like that, and I’m upset about my reaction to her. I get so embarassed and feel so judged in these situations that it clouds my husband. My husband shrugs it off as “they are kids” and he thinks my bff is the bigger issue. He was even annoyed with me that I was so apologetic about her behavior. (My bff’s husband, on the other hand, was the complete opposite and told my daughter he loved her and couldn’t wait to see her again).

Thoughts?

ETA: your comments have opened my eyes more than you know. I am so so angry with myself. If the shoe was on the other foot, and my bff’s kid was “mean” to my kid, I would’ve checked in with my kid first and then showed hers some compassion! I’m so mad.

My stepson is 16 years old and We took him and his sister to get evaluated , and she was diagnosed with adhd. But Surprisingly, to me he wasn't, he's 16 and she's 14. She was put on medication and it definitely helped. But he has this thing that from what I have read is a common trait amongst children with ADHD. He Can get a small injury and overact like it getting an arm cut off and when I say a small injury , I mean , like a splinter. And it won't be just talked about for a day or 2. He will show you that splinter, or that non-existent spot on his finger for 6 months. Originally, I just tried to chalk it up to this generation isn't built like my generation. I was born in 1974 and I grew up with a dad who had severe OCD and was a contractor who owned his own business. So needless to say we did jobs over and over and over again. That was back before people really understood OCD and I just thought that was what men did worked hard.

So when he got older, I just took it as this generation is built a lot softer than my generation in previous generations. But now, that he's gotten older, I figured that it would grow out of him, but it doesn't seem to be, it's just as bad at 16 years old for him, as it was when he was 6 years old, actually, that's not true. It's actually worse now. I'm starting to think I may need to carry him to another. Doctor for another evaluation cause. I don't think that first doctor got it right with him.

Anyone else experiencing anything like this?

We’re just not going anywhere anymore. I cancelled Disney plans because I can’t anymore. We just abruptly left the splash pad and playground because even though we went through the ONLY rule (personal space) multiple times including the moment we stepped out of the car he threw water over someone’s head. His sister is still crying because she really was excited but I have no help it’s just me this summer so if find over for him it’s over for her. I’m so over it. It’s week 2 and i had all these plans for us but all I can see now are the problems he’s going to pose because he lacks impulse control so I guess we’re staying home.