[FEEDBACK] THE DEBT — 5-page excerpt from my crime thriller short
THE DEBT
Format: Short Film
Length: 26 pages
Draft: First Draft
Genre: Crime Thriller / Drama
5-PAGE EXCERPT:
👉 https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kYSwTJwFzVtr-KD_92KvUP8EvoY-KZvF/view?usp=sharing
Logline:
A desperate man is given one chance to erase his £20,000 debt - kill the stranger waiting in a car outside. Only to discover the target is his own brother, forcing him to choose between saving his life and destroying his family.
I'm looking for some honest feedback on pages 11–15 of my short film.
These five pages are where the main conflict is introduced. Callum is given a gun and told to deal with the man waiting outside, with the excerpt ending on the reveal of who is actually sitting in the car.
I'd particularly like feedback on:
- Does the tension build naturally?
- Does the dialogue feel believable?
- Does Martin feel threatening without becoming too stereotypical?
- Does the pacing work?
- Does the reveal at the end land?
- Do the characters feel believable?
- And most importantly, would you want to keep reading?
It's a first draft, so I'm completely open to criticism. Don't hold back, I'm genuinely looking for honest feedback and things I can improve.
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it. 🙏🎬