r/ScreenwritingUK

THE DEBT

Format: Short Film
Length: 26 pages
Draft: First Draft
Genre: Crime Thriller / Drama

5-PAGE EXCERPT:
👉 https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kYSwTJwFzVtr-KD_92KvUP8EvoY-KZvF/view?usp=sharing

Logline:
A desperate man is given one chance to erase his £20,000 debt - kill the stranger waiting in a car outside. Only to discover the target is his own brother, forcing him to choose between saving his life and destroying his family.

I'm looking for some honest feedback on pages 11–15 of my short film.

These five pages are where the main conflict is introduced. Callum is given a gun and told to deal with the man waiting outside, with the excerpt ending on the reveal of who is actually sitting in the car.

I'd particularly like feedback on:

Does the tension build naturally?
Does the dialogue feel believable?
Does Martin feel threatening without becoming too stereotypical?
Does the pacing work?
Does the reveal at the end land?
Do the characters feel believable?
And most importantly, would you want to keep reading?

It's a first draft, so I'm completely open to criticism. Don't hold back, I'm genuinely looking for honest feedback and things I can improve.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it. 🙏🎬

Like many of us I have become tired of the lack of opportunities for writers. I have several scripts on my hard drive that have only ever been read by my eyes and have nowhere to even send them. Even when an opportunity does come along, they are often so ridiculously specific that I want to scream – I can’t be the only one who doesn’t have a 12-page short film script around the subject of grief and vampires ready to go, can I?

So, I decided that, with no training, I was going to start making my own films. Last year I made two short films to test out my skills, and this year I made my first feature. Here are my tips for making a film without a production company:

· Assess what you have BEFORE you write a script. How much money can you spend? What locations do you have free access to? Who can you get to help you? There is no point in writing an epic space adventure film if you live in a studio apartment. Work with what you’ve got.

· Unpaid people are unreliable. I have tried to get local people involved in my films before and not got anywhere. I think this is likely because I cannot afford to pay anyone. I got my husband to star in my film and paid him in snacks. You could make a film with just one person; you just need to get creative.

· Sound is VERY important. Almost as important as the script. Focus your funds here. You can use any camera, an old digital camera, the camera on your old flip phone, but you cannot scrimp on sound. Remember the last time you watched a found footage film – the visuals were grainy and wobbly, but the sound was smooth.

· Most importantly, have fun! It’s very unlikely you will get everything right the first time. I am still learning and will do things a bit differently next time I make a film.

I hope this was helpful. I have also shared a link to my feature film below in case you’d be interested in having a watch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuEjrqeO0Mk

r/ScreenwritingUK

[FEEDBACK] THE DEBT — 5-page excerpt from my crime thriller short

Has anyone else given up and produced their own script?