While tormenting myself reading old posts, I stumbled upon mention of a discord channel. The share links I came across were quite dead.
Is this channel still active? I wouldn't mind actively venting with others instead of writing too-long posts and doomscrolling 💀
This is too long for any human to bother reading, but hence why it is a vent... I was dumped by my partner of 8+ years in March. It was not a surprise, and they cried during it. We still love together. I bought a house very recently and they intend to move with me.
Our relationship was built on rotten foundations from that start, but I was deeply in love for the first and only time in my life, and I didn't see the harm in continuing on, dissatisfied in my relationship but at least in a relationship with them. They were poly and had a long distance longterm partner. Had primary issues with them in the early years due to their failure to commit to me in any manner. I got "lucky" and circumstances worked out in my favor timing-wise with graduation and COVID and our relationship carried on and forced some level of commitment out of circumstance. Had some other issues with them not spending enough time with both me and their other longterm partner, but we were working through them. Then they announced they were entering another relationship with a mutual friend, and I had a breakdown myself. Their longterm partner dumped them over long-standing issues + Their treatment of me in the relationship lol (note: I was not in a relationship with the partner, but we lived together!) Their ex taught me about what a healthy relationship is supposed to be, and I forced my partner to finally sit down and communicate and set boundaries and rules.
Things got better for a time, but in the wake of the stress of the breakup, my partner developed more severe mental issues, to the point of major disability. They'd had schizoaffective bipolar since childhood (Yes, this kid was schizoaffective and unmedicated!) that I was aware of for most of the relationship, but were of course medicated. They were re-diagnosed with severe ADHD while we were in a relationship. After they got dumped, they developed nonepileptic seizures/FND and lost the ability to drive over time. Their ex (very) slowly withdrew support over the years, only having fully cut contact a year ago.
Over the course of the relationship the stress of being neglected as a partner, the increasing levels of responsibility, and general chaos, I unfortunately found my cope through weed and slowly developed a hearty little drug addiction over the years. I've struggled to quit, relapsing often. For the most part it is a mild issue- I still manage to function alright at my job, I still keep the bills paid and life moving along for both me and my partner. But it did make me irritable, withdrawn, and severely depressed. I lost my limited sex drive. My high school touch repulsion returned. I wasn't very talkative and struggled to verbalize my issues early on.
I made matters worse for a time when I hopped on Wellbutrin and it made me hypomanic (Insensitive to say, but it was a bit fun, besides the constant crying! Gave me some more direct insight into mania). I admit I was quite irritable to the point of ugliness as I struggled to adapt to my partner demanding more an more support. Not an era I am proud of, but I can also reflect and realize that I was silently screaming for help myself as my actual verbal pleading for them to make some effort to take some workload off of me went ignored. In more recent years, I've managed to adapt and have greatly reduced my irritability. But in my struggles to keep hold of my sobriety, I realized my relationship was the root of the issue.
My partner didn't handle my touch repulsion well. I was touch repulsed when we met, but that changed with respect of my boundaries by college friends and my partner. They were absolutely amazing. I trusted them deeply. They were careful and respectful. But in the wake of the return of the repulsion, they were much less respectful of my boundaries. They constantly asked for favors I declined, they bartered, they begged. I was in denial about the fact they were pressuring me for a long time, until it came to a head when they "jokingly" demanded I give them at least oral on Valentines. I was deeply hurt and took some steps back from the relationship as I dealt with the loss of trust.
In recent years they have raised increasing criticisms of me (some of them fair, some of them irrational, most of them things I've clearly communicated are the result of illness and not something in my control until I reach sobriety, something I likely require support in) while increasing the amount of support they demand of me. I handle all of the mental labor, household planning, chores, and transportation. I have to help them wake up for work and do things like check their mail. We've had increasing disagreements, and most of the time, when I raise a very valid and objective and seemingly very easily constructive criticism, I'm ignored or told I am getting irrationally upset over something. They didn't intend to hurt me, they didn't say that, they didn't mean that. Then they say I never communicate with them & need to tell them when I am upset. They are convinced they are a good partner, I am a bad one, I do not care about them, and I need to change.
They broke up with me, but months later I am still their primary caregiver. They get their bad traits from their unreliable family, and no simple friend is willing to provide the support they need. It's clear they saw the breakup as a tool of manipulation rather than a true acceptance that the relationship is not healthy. I gave myself as much space as I could while still living with them and caring for them. I could never understand why I felt like I was communicating So clearly to them, but they never seemed to hear me or believe me. I never gave them any reason not to trust me, to my knowledge. I felt so disrespected knowing they believed I didn't care about them- after all I had done and gone through?
I finally found the last puzzle piece to my frustrations. They have recently been manic and made it known to all parties that they were suicidal. I took them to the hospital (willingly- but they were not admitted). A couple days after we returned home, they came to my room to verbally question me and ponder how I could have possibly stayed at the hospital waiting on them (~7 hours). I'm thoroughly exhausted and done at this point so I just lit up and let them harass me with insane questions. They then proudly confessed to having Finally decided to not "allow" their ex back into their life, after they tried calling them during their manic suicidal episode and being ignored (It's been 5 years...) They tried to vent "That's crazyyyy. Imagine if they had been the only one I called!" 😐😐😐 I shut that down real fast. And it finally clicked for me.
I feel like an idiot. I had honestly Honestly never truly considered that their mental health affected their perceptions of Me and that they truly weren't able to see how unhealthy of a partner they were being. I realized if they were using suicide and hospitalization to try to manipulate their 5yr ex into returning to their life, then proudly tell me about it, they were certainly trying to do the same to me. I suppose I'm too dense to be manipulated 💀 They pondered how I could dedicate so much time to them in the hospital but then not regularly check up on them in the aftermath. They criticized me as a partner, reasserted they were a good partner, then immediately asked for me to Not give them space. I know logically I "knew" they were clinically insane, but I never stopped to consider their bewildering jealousy (They are poly!!!) was outright paranoia. I never fully realized that the reason my logical thought exercises never got through to them was because they weren't thinking logically. They had always seemed so collected and stable, for the most part, and were gifted socially. They were never violent or outright abusive in any manner. After they got dumped, though, they developed new mental issues and faced new stresses. We were finally living together and forced into facing issues of household management imbalance. They started changing their antipsychotics. Started gabapentin.
Sickening to watch them blow up the little life I've crafted for them while they stress how unhappy I make them. Terrible to watch them make decisions that will make their life much, much worse, if not lead to the worst. Gut-wrenching to know all my efforts weren't enough. Terrifying to not know... were they always like this? How long have I been trying to fight delusion with reason and driving myself slowly insane? Did their breakup break them? Have I actually been a bad partner, or was I unwittingly buying into warped perceptions and ideas about what is acceptable behavior in a relationship? Could I have fixed things if I had realized what was wrong sooner? I strongly suspect I may have been shielded from the worst of their behavior by their previous partner taking the brunt. I look back on our conversations in the wake of the breakup, and I see myself in them now.
I don't want to resume a relationship with them again. I love them so much, but I have been hurt for so long. I can't handle being criticized and being asked for help in the same breath. I can't handle not being able to reason with someone. I can't deal with the instability. I want to be stable myself. I don't see a future where we are happy together after all of this. I don't want to be saddled taking care of someone that hurts me emotionally constantly for the rest of my life, with things likely to get worse from here. But they are clinging to me and I do not have the heart to completely leave them out in the cold. I do truly believe they want to die, regardless of if they wield it as a tool of manipulation. It's painful to watch them turn belly-up when their family fails to commit to a plan to keep them alive, meanwhile they are perfectly comfortable telling me that I need to take my dog in less consideration to prioritize finding new housing for them... And they never see the double standard or admit to the unfair pressures they've put on me and me alone. I'm gritting my teeth and hoping I can somehow escape this hell cleanly. It doesn't feel likely. I'm so tired, man. I wish I didn't love them so much. This would be so much easier if I actually didn't care about them, as they so often claim. I can't quite reckon with not knowing how much grace they or I deserve. They are so sick and hurting themself. They've hurt me so many times. I've hurt them. I'm sad and angry and heartbroken and so so frustrated. I truly believed we could be happy for such a long time, if things were Just right... At least my new house has a cute little creek... Advice welcome, but I don't think there's any escape from this beyond smoking myself into the floor 💀