u/tratratrad

I've been making some good self progress with IFS and finding it's the framework that best works for how I understand myself. I'm transgender and live out as a non binary person but it definitely feels like a WIP understanding of myself for me.

Since starting estrogen, I've been finding myself getting into this kind of cosy/innocent headspace. Maybe like the headspace of a child, or at least how i perceive kids nowadays. I've really cherished this experience. I perceive this headspace as feminine and have been so happy to reconnect with it and be able to live with it intermixed with my usual "headspace"; which I perceive as more masculine.

That's all well and good apart from the fact that I still felt like i couldn't get a good grasp of who I am and there was till moments of dysphoria and a lot of feeling lost/abandoned and kind of disconnected from the world.

I watched a film festival film the other day called A Girl Unknown. It's a beautiful Chineese film following a girl growing up in the tail end of Chinas one-child policy. She gets passed from family to family and neglected since she is a girl and lots of people wanted a boy to pass on their family name. Shes very young at the start of film and you see the world through her eyes, being naive and unaware of what's happening and why. It isn't until she grows up that she starts to understand and be affected by the world.

The film really messed me up. I had to stop myself from sobbing loudly during and I walked out shaking. It's not the first time I watch an amazing sad film, but I've never had this strong an emotional reaction. I transited home feeling like I couldn't drive and sobbed uncontrollably at home. I feel the way the girl was neglected by her families, because she is a girl let me discover an exiled part of myself. A little girl that never got to have an innocent girl childhood. She was suffocated and abandoned because the boy-behaviors were the only behaviors I was allowed to express.

On a rational level I understand that I shut her out because I didn't know any better and there is a super valid protector that had to keep me safe. (I wouldn't have survived being a trans child in the environment I grew up in). On an emotional level I can't help but see myself like the neglectful parents in the film. Being unable to nurture this inner child because it didn't fit the gender I was trying to bring out of myself. I feel this "feminine" headspace I've been slipping into is a piece of this exiled part.

I've been walking around with this for a few days. And I can't seem to forgive myself for what I did to her. I feel so much shame for not letting her exist earlier and I feel like there is no way to repair the lost youthful years.

For all other exiles I've integrated, the struggle was for me to understand, love and accept them. With this one, for the first time, I just can't forgive myself.

Ive been using Pixelfed but im growing very flustrated with the developer. I haven't liked his approach towards others or his philosophy in maintaining the project. The git project is hanging on with single digits maintainers. Main dev is spread thin across several large projects. Its not easy for maintainers to jump on board in many instances. Its not my first FOSS rodeo and ive seen this pattern too many times. Then again its not like devs are being paid so its not super fair to ask for change. If you dont like it, find something else, so here we are. I no longer trust in maintability of the project longterm and want to jump before I'm pushed. I do think I'm actually fairly late to the exodus so I'm hoping someone has went through this already. I include my motivations only because it might be relevant in regards to the options people recommend. Not really interested in starting a discussion about how unpaid devs should be running their projects, or how valid my concerns are. My concerns existing is sufficient cause for me.

Ive been hoping to make a jump to something else. I do somewhat miss being able to occasionally see text only posts, but I think seeing just picture posts is fine for me and the content I like to consume and create. So I'm looking for a pixelfed alternative mostly. Im focused more on photography and art rather than just general image posting.

It seems like my options are mostly just moving to Mastodon, but many instances have image upload limits as well as the platform being badly suited for image focused social media.

I found vernissage.photos im wondering if anyone has experience with it.

Is migration from pixelfed to vernissage possible? Does it include posts? Are there instances you would recommend. I already have accounts I follow and love across the fedi so i dont mind small instances and have also been considering self hosting.

Does vernissage have a convenient android app?

Is there a better option?

I admit ive not kept up with fediverse over the past few years and mostly just been using pixelfed and that's it. I feel a little like ive been living under a rock

EDIT: Vernissage truly seems like the only option prior to abandoning Fediverse for AT Protocol. I started moving over my account. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that profile migration from pixelfed.social has been stealthily disabled for months now. Haven't had a moment like that since I left Meta products - and even those let you export your posts at least - Pixelfed does not.