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do I hear wedding bells?

We open with a little house envy at Russell Manor: Newport Edition and our Societal Alpinist is doing that thing where she is trying to act calm but you can tell she is about to have some sort of stress related medical emergency. It's early (based on the view of the house looking like day break and her literally telling the Butler "sorry to ask for such an early start") and they are talking about the fact that they needed to borrow footman from other houses even though they brought everyone from Russell Manor Proper with them (and that house has like 100 footmen? what the fuck guys?!) there is a loud crash followed by raucous laughter in the other room, so Bertha follows the sound to find Curls and one his friends engaging in frat boy antics (and I am an expert on frat boy antics because I married one) So Larry starts sass mouthing his mom and this is white privilege on display because I'd like to see what would happen to one of the boys from Peggy's borough try this to their mom (I may be from California but I have several aunties from Brooklyn and I know of no cousins that would try this on a Black mama) anyway poor frat boy friend is like super embarrassed and is trying to clean up the mess they made but he's also so drunk he's wobbling like a Weeble (this guy is more like my husband's frat boy behavior to be honest) so Bertha is like "put the broken glass down, that's why we have servants? also you and my son are leaving like now so go pack" and he's just like "yes ma'am, right away ma'am" and scampers off apologizing on his way. So Bertha turns to her son and is like "yeah, you need to go back to New York until you get over your stupid and ill advised love affair with someone old enough to be your mother" and he's like "but you're happy to see me trampled and heartbroken!!" and she's like "no I'm not because you're my sweet baby boy" and she plays with the little curl that gave him the nickname and he looks at her like oh god, she really is the same age as my lover was and he slinks away to get ready to head back to THE CITY.

Speaking of the city we are back in it but at Sweet Aurora and Anthropomorphic Ken's dream house. Aurora is being visited by Oscar's Mark and she's like "sorry our chat is too short for tea or luncheon, but I got to get ready for the Duke Dinner in Newport" and The Mark is like "yeah, sounds like it's going to be the event of the summer, it's sad that Oscar wasn't invited" and Aurora is like "but not surprising" and The Mark is like "yeah because he was trying to marry the Russell heiress, so do you think he only wants to marry me because I am an even wealthier heiress?" and Aurora is like "well he's my cousin so I have to be nice about him but honestly he's great? just like don't rush into a relationship and you'll figure that out for yourself" and then Ken comes in and is like "oh we have company!" and The Mark is like "nope, I am leaving! have fun in Newport!" so she pops away and Aurora turns to her husband and is like "WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO BE HERE 5 MINUTES SOONER?!"

ope

On the cozy side of 61st, Little Miss Stubborn once again pushes into the drawing room announcing that she's late because she's SOO BUSY because she has an actual job and isn't idle like her aunts and Agnes once again is like "my god why do you insist on being so common and menial?!" Ada is like "ok but I have something to say in private so lets kick out the footman" and Oscar is like "is this one of those lady conversations that I should excuse myself from?" and Ada is like "nooo! you guys are like my own babies even though I only met Marian a year ago" so then Agnes is like "the fuck are you blabbing about? you are not allowed to have secrets that I am not in on!" and so Ada just blabs out "I'm engaged to the Reverend Mr. Boston!" which causes Marian and Oscar to cheer out with glee and Agnes to be like "shut up you two! this isn't something we are going to celebrate! the whole idea of it is CRACKERS!" and Ada is like "ok but I am like marrying him next week" and then she goes on to detail exactly how the day will go because she hasn't been planning this for days, she's been dreaming about it for decades and her sister is like "cool except count me out!" and the three other people in the room and basically everyone watching this have a bitch, WHAT?! look on their face. So she elaborates and is like "marriage is for young women who need to secure their future. your future is secure? why tie yourself down to the misery that is married life?!" and Ada is like "well I am looking forward to not being a spinster and as my sister I would hope you'd at least want me to be happy?" but before they can go on Bannister comes in to tell Oscar that a cab is waiting to pick him up so Agnes is like "did you know Ada trying to leave us to marry that dumb preacher man?" and Bannister is like "THAT IS WONDERFUL!" and Agnes is like "NO IT ISN'T!!" and Bannister is like "oh, no...sorry that's a terrible idea Miss Ada" So Agnes huffs out of the room, Oscar hails his cab, and Ada bursts into tears.

Agnes, you can't be serious!

Down in Tuskegee we get to see first hand how in awe of our Pretty Peggy that these students are, just as Mrs. Fannie Washington predicted last episode. They are asking her more questions than she is asking them and they are hanging on her every word.

Back to Rhode Island, the Societal Alpinist is like "this menu is not stuffy enough!" and Faux Frenchie is like "I mean, it's bland because English people have literally no tastebuds. Isn't that the definition of stuffy?" and she's like "it needs to be impressive to him but still palatable for the Americans that will make up most of the guest list" she turns to Butler and is like "make sure to bring out the stuffiest table settings too" and the two men leave the room. Housekeeper is like "I have cleaned everything 4 times, but I need you to like check its up to your standards" and the SA is like "yeah you know what's not up to my standards is Mousey Maid's ability to do hair with a tiara pinned in place" and Housekeeper is like "yeah we kind of dropped the ball on hiring a new maid for you, so much so that your former maid was able to hatch a plan, find a mark, and get him to marry her several months ago already"

Oscar needed that cab 3 scenes ago to meet up with his own mark, Miss Beaton. They are walking arm in arm and she's like "you're looking a little woebegone, shouldn't you be chuffed to be with me?" and he's like "my mommy said I can't go to my aunties wedding which is a really big bummer because she's like my second favorite woman in the world and I want to give her away but the risk of my mother disinheriting me in favor of my cousin is really high" so the Mark is like "just go? be brave and stand up to your mother!! I know I am giving you advise that I won't follow myself because I can't say no to my father either." and he's like "ok I will go but will you be my date?" and she's like "absolutely! especially since you are coming with me to my father's man of business to help me understand big money things that my small simple girl brain is just not smart enough to understand!"

At the Troublemaker's house and I have questions, because this is the same house she was in at the end of the last episode when she had that absolute conniption and we learned her name is Enid...I'd recognize that staircase anywhere for that exact reason. But I thought that scene took place in Manhattan, and this scene has to be taking place in Newport simply because the hot footman (no seriously dude, congratulations on your face) we established she was friends with 2 episodes ago is at her house and in the opening scene of this episode we were told all the footmen from 61st were in Newport for the dinner. ANYWAY, so after they shit talk Bertha and her staff she's like "hey bud I need a favor, I'll definitely pay you for this favor, but the favor is sabotage and one of the under chef's Faux Frenchie hired is going to help you with it" and he's like "you had me since you said it was a paid favor"

Back to Oscar and The Mark (that would be a good band name) they are waiting outside an office and the hallway is bustling. So the man of business opens the door and The Mark is like "hey Mr. Business Man! I brought a friend because my dumb girl brain is too dumb to keep up and he can help!" and the man of business is like "girl, what? this is supposed to be TOP SECRET!!" and Oscar is like "I am so trustworthy and I swear you'll be hard pressed to find someone who can keep a secret better than I can in all of New York!" so the man of business lets them into the office and Oscar is like "so this woman has told me everything you are doing with this secret plan to buy a railway and that you need more funding and that Jay Gould who may or may not be but totally is her father is involved?" and the man of business is like "girl, we talked about this?!" and she's like "sorry! dumb girl brain!" and Oscar is like "still can guarantee I am the BEST secret keeper so don't worry!"

Back at Oscar's Mama's house, Bannister comes into the dining room where Marian and Agnes are waiting patiently and is like "Sorry ma'am, Miss Ada is doing that thing where you guys try to ice the other by eating by yourself off of a tray in your personal dwelling, so she won't be joining you two" and Agnes is like "she's totally healthy! you are only supposed to do that if you're sick!!" and Little Miss Stubborn puts her fighting gloves on and is like "OR MAD, which she definitely is because you are being such a brat about the fact that your little sister is finally going to unspinster herself?!" and Agnes is like "Daddy wouldn't have consented to this marriage!" and Marian is like "YOUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN DEAD HALF A CENTURY! LET IT GO!!" and Marian storms off so Bannister pops his head in and is like "ok so I should be preparing two trays, yes?

I think Bannister has the best lines this episode

Back down South we get to see the dorm that Pretty Peggy travelled all the way to Tuskegee to write about, doesn't look as grand as everyone has been eluding to but ok...She scans the crowd looking for people to get quotes from and she finds the sweet David Sturt who taught her how to milk a cow last episode. So she's like "hey tell me what this means to you!" and he's like "I'm going to cry I am so proud of the hard work I put in to make this building a reality" and now I retract my previous statement because that is kind of grand. So she's like "and what will you do with the degree you earn from building this building among other things?" and he's like "Well miss, I plan on becoming like a real farmer with my own farm and everything because my Mama has a restaurant and it will be more profitable in the long run if we do the growing in house too!" Mr. Fortune comes over then David turns to him and is like "y'all should have dinner there tonight!" and Mr. Fortune is like "oh hell yeah! I wanted to take this one on a date but I needed to have a cover so this is perfect!"

this kid is so adorable

On 61st, Curls has arrived back from Newport and he appears to be a bit more sober than the last time we saw him. Has luck would have it, Little Miss Stubborn comes outside of her house at the exact same time that Curls exits his carriage and she darts across the street to say hello, so she's like "oh my god I thought you'd be gone all summer!!!" and he's like "I got my heart broken and was sent away to lick my wounds" and she's like "LUCKY!!! when I got my heart broken by that Worthlessington last year I had to lick my wounds right here!" and he's like "so where you going with that basket in tow?" and she's like "I'm going to pick flowers because I have a real job!" and he's like "well since I am unemployed now I can join you!" so they lock arms and skip off towards Central Park.

At the house Curls was banished from, the Societal Alpinist decided to make a brief descent into the kitchens to make sure Faux Frenchie truly took complaint about the menu not being stuffy enough to heart and the senior staff is NOT amused by this visit. Butler is like "are you lost?" and she's like "no, just here to micromanage!" and then she turns to Housekeeper and is like "by the way, did you find me a maid?" and Housekeeper is like "a little hard to find a whole new maid but I did get a hairdresser who is a tiara expert!" so Bertha fucks off and we have a brief moment where hot footman and the under chef that the Troublemaker hired locked eyes so we know the subterfuge is definitely still on, then Mousey Maid squeaks at Housekeeper "NEW MAID?! AM I FIRED?!?!" and Housekeeper is like "no but you better study this hairdresser's moves or you will be"

The Reverend Mr. Boston is like walking through the church stuffing his face with snacks like any normal person does and he opens the door to his office to find Agnes waiting for him, which almost makes him choke on what looks like a donut or some other baked confection so he's like "my secretary likes to bake, should we have some of this and some coffee because this is a social call? or should we head to the confessional booth? or..." and she's like "sit down, this is not friendly or professional, I am here to scold you" so he sits and she's like "my sister is broke you know. you will get nothing financially from this match" and he's like "well that wasn't my reason for proposing, I proposed because I love her" and she's like "love and marriage are antithetical" and he's like "yeah I perform many marriages and can tell you that's not true in at least 50% of unions" and she's like "look, everything I have done in the last 40 years was to be able to keep my sister safe and by my side, and now you are taking her away from me at the time of my life where I'd need her the most" and he's like "you'll still see her basically every day?" and she's like "yes, but what about the nights?" and he's like "yeah no, not the nights because the bible says we can get naked and horizontal and I intend on following that to the letter"

him choking on that donut might have been a mercy

We are more than 20 minutes into the show and we are finally seeing Railroad Daddy for the first time, where can I formally complain about this? Anyway so father and son are catching up on the woes of Russell Evil Incorporated and Daddy is like "yeah so now that you're back in The City for the summer, I need you to take over one of my projects because I paid for you to study engineering so I need to collect on that payment" and Curls is like "I told you last year that I am a real boy and I don't want to work in nepotism! I am an architect!" and Daddy is like "yeah well, while we wait for your next assignment how about you just do this, at the very least it won't involve someone you want to sleep with. I need you to check out the chief engineer of the Brooklyn Bridge project, no one has seen or heard from him in years and I want to know why!"

My Girlie Gladys is moping in front of the mirror because she's being treated like a doll and she doesn't like it one bit. So she's like "I want to wear the blue dress!" and her mom is like "no. you have terrible taste, but when I dress you there are OP EDS talking about how amazing you look" and I am trying to find out if Bertha is paying for these PR pieces about her daughter because Gladys' never looks well dressed to me...at least her hair isn't frizzy right now.

marking this Bertha quote for commentary later

The lady soon to be formerly known as Spinster Sister is having a panic attack in an unfamiliar drawing room, but the camera pans to reveal she's panicking in the presence of the Reverend Mr. Boston so this must be the vicarage. So she's like "sorry I am freaking out but my sister has been my whole life up to this point, I can't fall out with her! I don't know how to survive without her!! Maybe if we wait a bit longer to marry she might get used to the idea?" and he's like "I am supposed to tell you to look to god for the answer but honestly, I don't want to wait to get you into bed marry you so why don't you just like talk to your niece before you decide to postpone?"

Curls is off doing Daddy's business just as he was asked to do and we catch a glimpse of the Brooklyn Bridge to remind us of the business Curls has been employed to undertake. So he pops into the house and the secretary of the project is like "yeah I didn't expect you to actually come here, I thought when your father said you were representing him it was one of those figure head roles where you were actually off spending your trust fund getting drunk with hookers while pretending to work" and Curls is like "yeah so anyway where is the man in charge?" and the secretary shrugs and is like "well this is his wife, Mrs. Roebling" and she's like "yeah my husband is in Newport because..." and before she can finish another guest is announced and she's like "oh yeah I got to talk to that guy about mundane housewife things!" so she leaves and for a second I could swear I see a look on Larry's face that reads I thought father told me this assignment won't involve someone I want to sleep with? but I could be projecting...anyway the secretary sits down with him and Curls is like alright where is the engineer, why is he in Newport when this thing is opening like soon?" and the secretary is like "oh you know, Newport is beautiful and this is the perfect time of year to be there!" and Curls is like "but the bridge project needs a hands on supervisor, how is he managing it properly from the seaside?" and the secretary is like "oh look at the time, gotta run!" As Curls goes to apparently see himself out he hears Mrs. Roebling talking and realizes she's not talking about mundane housewife things like she said, he follows the sound of her voice and she's huddled in a back room with half a dozen dudes giving the orders and looking over plans. She spots Larry spying on her and she's like "well gosh golly Mr. Russell, now that I have read this letter of instructions from my husband to the workers, I have to go run some mundane housewife errands now!"

Detective is going to be Larry's next career path

Back on the cozy side of 61st, Little Red is measuring and pinning to make alterations on one of (still a) Spinster Sister's dresses. So Little Miss Stubborn comes in and is like "out Red, I got to talk to my auntie" and when they are alone Ada is like "it's not like she's altering it for an actual purpose since I am not getting married" and Marian is like "what do you mean NOT getting married?! you can't possibly be this dumb" and Ada is like "but my sister? she's against this and I can't lose her!" and Marian is like "well she's WRONG, I mean I always think she's wrong and do the opposite of everything she says and she usually ends up being right about it and I should have listened to her about the Shyster Worthlessington but I mean she can't possibly be right about this! BE STUBBORN LIKE ME! STAND UP FOR YOUR MAN!" and Ada is like "but I have no one to give me away?" and Marian is like "oh I have another ill advised date with my not an actual cousin, he'll do! anyway I better go get Red back to finish your dress!" and she fucks off while Ada calmly smiles.

this is the joy you want to kill Agnes?!

Later that night Little Red is working on Ada's wedding veil, Our American Dreamer is messing with his alarm clock, and Mrs. Gambler is taking notes or doing some accounting maybe? I dunno she seems to be reading and writing simultaneously. So the Bigoted Lady's Maid shows up and tries to be a bitch to everyone like always so she tells both LR and AD that they are wasting their times on their prospective projects because there ain't no way that Ada will marry against her sister's wishes and she doesn't think Jack is smart enough to figure out the clock and he's like "well aKsHuAlLy I think it's fixed, want to try it?" and BLM is like "ha, no." So Mrs. Gambler is like "I believe in you baby bird! Let me test it for you!" and Jack is like "oh no, I like you too much to mess up your day even if the chance of failure is like 0.01%" and then he puts the clock down and is like "wait, if Miss Ada really does marry the rector and they are trying to pull some not incestuous but pretty adjacent to it thing for Miss Marian, are we all going to be fired soon? Like Mrs. Van Rhijn doesn't need a more than a butler and a cook/housekeeper?" and BLM is like "don't forget me because she couldn't possibly put a comb through her own hair! besides Mr. Oscar might get married and then move in" and Little Red laughs and is like "I might be young and dumb, but even I can tell that guy is not straight"

our Little Red has grown so much!

A TRAIN!!! (CGI score: 4/10, they probably shouldn't have gone so close) and inside the train Daddy of the railroad and Mr. Smooth Voice are in a fancy private car eating steak and drinking wine and talking about busting unions like robber barons should. So Mr. Smooth Voice is like "yo, you know Johann Most got kicked out of Germany and is over here rabble-rousing and convincing your workers in Pittsburg to take up arms against you unless you give them SIXTEEN HOURS of off time. Its ludicrous!" and Daddy is like "I don't know, why is it so terrible that we give them time to see their kids, bang their wives, and get a decent amount of sleep? wouldn't that make them more productive on the job?" and Mr. SV is like "WHAT?! Don't be such a weak ass punk! Every minute of their day not spent working is like a $100 loss in profits! We need to work them to the bone!!" Daddy just kind of stares at him then starts downing his glass of wine cos that shit isn't going to drink itself.

At the office of Oscar's Mark's Man of Business, Oscar and the Man of Business are meeting without the Mark. So Oscar is like "so I have this check here and..." and the Man is like "no thank you" so Oscar is like "but you need more money and I am willing to give you more money to close the loop on your business deal" and the Man is like "but the partners are very close and they don't know you" and Oscar is like "but I am friends with Miss Beaton and since she's a partner, they DO know me! Now take my money!!!!" and he slides the check across the table to the BRIGHT CRIMISON RED FLAG.

Outside of Oscar's Mama's house an open air carriage pulls up bringing home Little Miss Stubborn from her aforementioned ill advised date with her not an actual cousin, Hot Widower. His creepy child is also in tow and she is a stage 5 clinger on Marian and is like "father loves to make a fuss and he's so happy he could give you the best picnic luncheon ever! he'd do anything for you!" and Marian is like "oh good, so could you do me the biggest favor and give Aunt, well my aunt who isn't actually your aunt but you still call her that, Ada away at her wedding this weekend? Our actual mutual Aunt Agnes said her worthlessington son isn't allowed to and I think he's going to listen to his mother for fear of disinheritance" so he's like "yeah, no sweat. Frances can be the flower girl and I guess you're the maid of honor so we can all do a trial run of this wedding business before we do it again in a few months!" and Marian just kind of blinks rapidly as she awkwardly half smiles.

!

Curls returns to the house of the bridge engineer because he wants us all to know he's more than a nepo baby, his detective skills are honed. So he's like "surprise motherfucker! I bet you thought you saw the last of me!" and the engineer's wife is like "no, I definitely was expecting you to come back after you caught me girlbossing last time" so he's like "so YOU are the engineer?!" and she's like "yes" and he's like "so why are we pretending your husband is?" and she's like "have you like ever been outside? the entire city would be more likely to fall to its knees then rip the bridge up from its foundation than they would be to walk across a bridge engineered by a woman" and he's like "but that ain't right!" and she's like "no, but its real"

humans are so fucked up

In Newport, Daddy is being dressed for dinner by Creepy Valet who is telling him in full about his boring side plot. Daddy is like "so are you leaving The Big City for The City by the Bay? because I guess I'll have to interview new valets or something" and CV is like "I told my daughter's husband that I won't leave unless she is the one to ask me to do it" and RD is like "that's fair, I wouldn't do shit until I heard it from Gladys either" so then the Societal Alpinist comes in and CV leaves the room because he's good at his job. So she's like "babe! I am so glad you're here! lets make out but only a little bit because I had my hair dressed by a professional!" and he's like "I shouldn't be here, my workers are literally about to set fire to my..." and she's like "you better shut your mouth about that job because tonight we are focused on SOCIAL CLIMBING and HOBNOBBING WITH NOBILITY"

We follow Creepy Valet down to the kitchens and when he walks in he sees Hot Footman and his partner in subterfuge, the Shady Chef, whispering nefariously in the corner. He chats up Housekeeper for a second but he keeps his eye on them because this man is a known stalker so we know he knows exactly what being shady looks like.

Out front of Russell Manor: Newport Edition, the carriages are rolling through and the red carpet has been rolled out, inside there is a fucking string quartet because Bertha really does need to be extra about everything. So we zoom in on her and Daddy arm in arm chatting with New York and Newport's biggest gossips, Mamie Fish and Ward McAllister. So Ward is like "please tell me I am sitting next to the toff! also this guest list is off the charts! where is my Mystic Rose though?" and the Societal Alpinist is like "you've got the 2nd best seat in the house and she was invited but didn't come probably because she doesn't want people to think this event is the end all be all of the Newport season" and Mrs. Fish is like "well too late for that because this is absolutely THE event of the season!" then Ward is like "girl, if you keep this friendship with the duke going you will have the Opera War sewn up!" and just then Butler announces the arrival of His Grace, still with that goofy ass haircut and he's like "this party is just the right kind of stuffy!" So then Daddy introduces the duke to our Sweet Aurora and her Anthropomorphic Ken doll and Aurora is like "how are you liking our little summer getaway spot so far?" and the duke is like "oh its marvelous and Mrs. Russell has my whole trip planned out so thoughtfully I imagine it will keep being marvelous" and like the succubus she is, the Troublemaker (and her grampy of course) pop up out of no where and she she's like "well I had an even better holiday planned for you before you ditched me" and the SA doesn't miss a beat to redirect his attention so she's like "anyway Your Grace, I don't think you've met our daughter Gladys" and My Girlie glides into the room and the dress she's wearing isn't that great? What was her mother on about her being the best dressed deb? Where is the best dress? Anyway the duke does not seem to notice the mid dress (is mid the right word here? I am v old but I hear the kids say that all the time) because that man has been hit by cupid's arrow. The arrow missed Gladys however because she just kind of awkwardly smiles and then follows the sound of Mrs. Fish calling her name. This reaction causes the duke to deflate like a balloon in real time. But the SA is like "she's a great conversationalist and you will learn this because she's your table buddy at dinner" and the balloon begins to re-inflate.

BAM, CUPID! but here is the later commentary on Bertha's previous remark: HOW IS THIS DRESS NOT FUSSY AND GIRLISH?! It's hot pink with frills!!! Barbie before Barbie!!

In the kitchens Butler tells everyone the curtain is up and we watch the Shady Chef sprinkle a packet into the pan of food he's working on, and just as we noted before Creepy Valet does not miss it happen because his stalker instincts told him to watch this man. So CV goes and narcs on SC to Butler and Faux Frenchie, and when they go to test the sauce he was making they are gagging so they are like "we cannot serve the dish he was working on!" and I'm like but guys, he only put the sauce on like 5 of those plates...you're telling me you don't have extras?!

literally on the first row...no need to cancel the whole course!!

Upstairs we are in the dining room which I don't think we've seen the one in this house yet but it's as gaudy as you'd expect. Anyway so My Girlie Gladys is trying to make her way down to the fun end of the table but her mother (who has an excellent dress on...why did you do our girl so dirty when you are dressed so well?!) stops her and she's like "nope you got to chat up the man with the title!" So Gladys takes her seat and Aurora sees this and has a pleased look on her face that she knows EXACTLY what Bertha is trying to spark here, Daddy also sees this and he also knows but his look is more worried than it is pleased. The look on Gladys' face is like ugh this is going to be boring but we can't dive too deep into that now because the Troublemaker and Hot Footman have to do the silent nod to show they are still in cahoots and LE GASP Hot Footman is pushing in the chair for His Grace!

We follow HF back into the kitchen where he tells Faux Frenchie the rich people are seated and hungry, so then Shady Chef comes and stands next to HF and they banter for a second and we are all thinking why are they letting this man stay in the kitchen after they know he tried to sabotage the dinner?! shouldn't he be locked in an office somewhere?! Anyway Creepy Valet is still stalking them from the shadows so he instantly runs over to FF and the Housekeeper and is like "yo, I think Peter the footman is also up to no good because he seems to be friends with the bad chef" and Housekeeper is like "but we QC'd this batch of food and it's the delicious flavor explosion Mr. Borden was going for!" and CV is like "but there are more ways to ruin the evening than just sabotaging the food...who is HF serving?" and then they all have a lightbulb moment and CV runs as fast as his creepy little legs will carry him. Upstairs the Russell Footman are marching perfectly in sync, one man for every guest, soup being ladled into a bowl and they keep marching along until the reach the guests. Somehow CV's wheels have carried him faster than HF can march because CV reaches the Butler in time to tell him that the Hot Footman is up to no good. So Butler swoops in and snatches the bowl right out of the hands of Hot Footman and serves His Grace himself. The Troublemaker sees this and starts to silent scream inside her head but Mrs. Fish is very tuned into drama so silent screams are her dog whistle and she turns to the Troublemaker and is like "girl, are you ok? you look like you are losing your shit"

On the opposite side of the table His Grace is like "ooh this soup is one of my favorites! how did you know?! This is such an amazing way to start dinner!" and Bertha is internally screaming because she just knows this wasn't supposed to be the first course but his response calmed her down somewhat so she's like "Why don't you talk to my daughter instead of me, you've heard all my good jokes already!" so he turns to My Girlie and is like "Newport is cool huh?" and she's like "well I am not allowed my own opinion, so according to my mother...yes it is" and he's like "well soon enough you'll run your own household and have get to be the opinion maker!" and she's like "does that really become a thing for like anyone?" and he's like "well I guess we have like five courses worth of debate to have over this so lets get to it!" and she smiles because she's excited to be allowed to express her own opinion.

Back on the other side of the table, Sweet Aurora notices My Girlie and His Grace giggling like children (well I guess because Gladys is children) so she's turns to Daddy and is like "your wife definitely knows how to get the best social climbing value out of any situation, but it looks like your daughter is going to emerge as the star of the evening" and he's like "my girls are gems and my wife is a genius" McAllister turns to Bertha and is like "shouldn't you be spending the dinner talking to the guest of honor?" and she's like "he's engaged in deep conversation, I wouldn't want to disturb that" and Ward is like "or you hope he'll soon be engaged!" >!now a lot of you reading these have been following me since the formation of the Hector Hive and the fact that I saw Hector and Gladys becoming a love match from the jump, I actually started to think it was possible from this scene. Even out of focus you can tell this isn't just a polite conversation, you can see a big ass goofy grin on Gladys' face. She's enjoying it. I was still not 100% on him until the end of this season, stay tuned I will point out the exact moment the Hive was built.!<

I don't need the camera to be in focus to see you CHEEZIN' girl!

Oh shit! We forgot about the South again. So I don't know why our girls Peggy and Marian keep going on ill advised dates but here is Peggy on one with her married boss. They followed David's advice and are having dinner at his mama's restaurant and Mama Sturt is just as in awe of Peggy as David's fiancé and all the other women we've met in the South so she's like "I am going to bake you a whole ass cake!" when she walks away Pretty Peggy says to the married boss "I am so full! I don't have room for more food!" and he's like "maybe you could go and take off some layers of clothes to make room...I can help!"

At the Newport dinner, His Grace is raising his glass to toast the dinner and praise our Societal Alpinist who is flying back up that mountain to the summit. So she's like hand on heart with the who me?! feigned modest look on her face and on the other side of the table you see the Troublemaker absolutely SEETHING.

girl, you just need to let this one go.

So back at Mama Sturt's, Pretty Peggy and Mr. Fortune are drinking coffee, so to they must've eaten that cake by now. He asks her what her favorite part of their trip has been and you can tell he's hoping she'd mention seeing him shirtless but she gives a real answer and talks about how the women she has met down here inspire her because they don't complain about their circumstances, they fight to make the most of them. Before they can turn this into a full conversation some drunkards kick the door in and start making a scene and of course they are white. If you missed this before or are new here, I am Black and my husband very much is not. When I asked him why white people are like this he said that it might be jealousy over the fact that we don't get sunburnt as easily if at all (this is a joke to lighten the mood of the dark scene incase it's going over your head). Anyway so Drunk White Man 1 is like "yo BEA!!!!" and I am hoping that her name is Beatrice or actually just Bea and he's not using an abbreviation for a common pejorative slung at women. So Mama Sturt comes out and she's like "oh god, I'll make you some food but you got to go after that" so he grabs her and yells "don't you tell me what to do! just because you're like free or whatever doesn't mean that you don't have to respect me" and this is one of those scenes that remind me if I lived during this time I wouldn't have lived for very long because I would have stabbed this man. Mr. Fortune feels the same way so he stands up and is like "don't touch her!" so DWM1 is like "are you stupid? don't talk to me" and Mr. Fortune who is a little stupid is like "ok but let her go" so DWM2 is like "Mr. Sturt is not just a white man he's a LAW MAN so you best shut your mouth" and Pretty Peggy is like "WAIT Y'ALL HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME!?!!??!" and Mama Sturt nods but is also looking at her like shut up! and then Mr. Fortune who is still stupid says again "put her down!" and so DWM2 lunges at Fortune who decks him back and then poor Pretty Peggy has to run after eating all that food.

why can't we all just be cool and enjoy the chicken?

We cut to the Washington's house and they are packing up their shit because they need to get out of the South and fast, like reactivate the Underground Railroad fast. Fortune is apologizing like a dozen times and Mr. Washington is like "that doesn't matter, we got to get this woman out of here alive"

Debrief on the Duke Dinner, Mommy is happy with the how her evening went and Daddy is returning his focus on his actual job so Mommy is like "how can I help" and then I could swear the music started going bow chicka bow wowwww. Downstairs the senior staff all pat themselves on the back for thwarting the revenge of the Troublemaker and we confirm Russell Manor will be short one (hot) footman.

if your man doesn't look at you like this, throw him in the TRASH

The lynch mob is out with their tiki torches looking for Pretty Peggy and that Worthlessington who got her in this pickle. She is practically in tears and is like "I never say this but my mama was right and coming here was 10 levels of stupid" and he's like "no the stupid part is I couldn't keep my mouth shut" and she's like "I like that you stand for your convictions no matter what though" and he's like "and I like you" and then they make out and the crowd shouts BOOOOO!

I threw something at the TV here

So much shit has happened in this episode I clean forgot that Ada was getting married! Fortunately Hot Widower and his creepy child did not because they show up in their carriage to pick up the bride. When HW goes inside to grab them Agnes is like "my god is everyone in on this betrayal?!" and he's like "I am not even going to dignify that with a response, this is your sister!" and Ada is like "yeah and because we are sisters I know well enough that she's going to stay stubborn on this" then they just stare at each other before Marian peels Ada away. They head outside and all the staff is leaving to head to the church too. Bannister is the last to leave and Agnes is like "MORE BETRAYL!" and Bannister is like "at the risk of impertinence, get your head out your ass. She's your sister."

team Bannister forever.

So at the church a shit ton of people are there and Marian mentions other cousins outside of the ones we already know and I am like ok introduce us! but Oscar grows a pair and he's there too so now there is a debate as to who will walk her down the aisle, Oscar wins because he's her actual nephew. So he walks her down the aisle and the ceremony starts when the door bangs open and GIRL! YOU KNOW THE BRIDE SHOULD BE THE LAST PERSON TO ENTER THE CEREMONY!! But Agnes just has to be that dramatic to enter last. But she smiles at her sister so at least they're cool.

peep the dirty look she gives Oscar at the end

^(Disclaimer: sometimes the GIFs in the post may cause the reddit mobile app to glitch and run poorly and is best viewed from a browser, even the mobile browser on your phone works fine.)

Welcome to another episode recap! If you missed the last one or you're new to these you can find an explanation and the links to my previous posts here.

inject the propaganda into my veins Uncle Julian!

So we open with the Societal Alpinist leading a hike through the new opera house and she's like "look at all these fancy chairs and curtains your money paid for! we are going to be so fancy and cozy in this space! but Mr. Gilbert is here to show you to the real goods!" as Mr. Gilbert takes over as tour guide we see that aside from Bertha we only know two people in this crowd, Sweet Aurora and the Troublemaker...who Bertha is trying to kill with her eyes. Mr. Gilbert leads us into the auditorium and well, its not as nice as the lobby. While people pretend to be impressed by this half finished room, Bertha decides to swallow what is stuck in her craw and see if she can sweet talk the Troublemaker to use some of that dinosaur's money to help her cause. Bertha is one of the smartest people on this show, why she's acting so dumb where Turnerton is concerned, I will never know. So the Troublemaker is like "haha bitch, no. My man LOVES the Academy and I love being rich and having things you want but can't have" Fortunately for the Troublemaker some news paper men come over and want to get a sketch of our Societal Alpinist (that I am sure she will save when it appears in the paper...do we think she's got a little New York Takeover bulletin board in the back of her closet where she tracks her wins and losses?) if these men did not interrupt this conversation, I would guess Turnerton would have come away from it blind. Sweet Aurora pushes the Troublemaker out of the way so she can talk to Bertha instead and is like "where are the workers?" and Bertha is like "oh I didn't want your dress getting dusty so we asked them to clear out for the visit!" and then the newspaper man is like "oh Mrs. Russell do you read our gossip column? It's pretty good, and your family is often mentioned...not by name of course, but this week there was a blind item about your son and a woman who is your contemporary...our readers think they are banging" and she's like "nope! he's been employed by her to lead the renovation of her house" and he's like "and she's paying him with sex?" and she's like "no. he's just very good at his job so they work closely together!" and Aurora whispers to her "you know what, the new girl in our friend group who came out of no where and no one really knows but is supposedly rich and well connected, Maud Beaton, suggested that they definitely ARE hooking up...but I am not good jokes, so maybe she was kidding?" and Bertha was like "HEH YES DEFINELTY A JOKE" and another well timed interruption comes this time its Gilbert, as soon as Aurora leaves the Societal Alpinist is like "where are the workers?" and the man who is in charge of raising money for this venture is like "I have no more money to pay them and apparently you can't get people to work without some sort of compensation"

how long did she work for Bertha? I feel like she should know very well the type of bear she's poking? This quip just seems dumb to me.

On the cozy side of 61st street our American Dreamer runs into the kitchen with a serving tray to grab some of this massive tea service that Little Red and Mrs. Gambler have set up, Little Red is like "my god, doesn't Ms. Ada know we don't get paid extra for catering parties?!" and Jack is like "well she's out here doing the most because she's got a crush on the reverend" and Mrs. Gambler is like "and if anyone deserves to bag their crush it's Ms. Ada so I will work around the clock to make that happen!" and Little Red has found a segue to flirt with her own crush so she's like "CLOCK! have you made progress with your clock Jack?" and she stares at him with what looks like an insane amount of genuine interest and he's like "oh my god I am going to test it soon!" and the Bigoted Lady's Maid who is an equal opportunity jerk is like "oh so I should ask for the day off since your tinkering will kill us all?"

We follow Jack upstairs where he is setting up what looks like a better tea service than Faux Frenchie created for the opera tea across the street last week (or was that the week before? either way, this one looks less like a prop and more like people might actually eat it) and in the drawing room Spinster Sister's crush is trying to raise funds from a dozen people (half of whom we know) and when he's done speaking Ada is really proving that she is doing the most to bag her crush because she might as well have a cheerleading uniform on she clapping so hard. Her sister clocks the desperation and tells her to reign it in but she's overeager so she jumps up and is practically singing "please read the pamphlet and have some teaaaaaa!"

We check in with the couslings who are there to support their aunt's new obsession...well Marian is, Oscar is there because he's back on his bullshit to dupe an heiress into being his beard. So his mark pops over and is like "oh my god I LOVE altruism, don't you? I wish I could like actually go out and be selfless like the Reverend Mr. Boston over there was!" and Oscar is like "why don't I drop some coin on your behalf to help the real altruistic people continue their good works!" and he pops away as fast as she popped over and Oscar's Mark is like "is he for real?" and Marian is like "by golly, I actually believe he is for once!" and before they can take that conversation any further in pops the Hot Widower (there is a lot of popping in this scene) and he's like "sorry I need to steal my (not a real) cousin so she can test drive being the mother of my child!" and Marian looks legit horrified because she's so dumb she didn't realize what she signed up for so she's like "oh I don't need an escort to get to work, I do it like every day" and he's like "yeah but this is a date and we're courting!"

Oscar is nothing if not consistent

Cut across the room to Ada trying to flirt with the Reverend Mr. Boston by asking him why he gave up his missionary work and it gives him a chance to talk about growing up in Boston (I see you girl! YOU GOT THIS) So she's like "man travelling sounds cool, I wish I could have done it but I'm a spinster crone now" and he's like "not if I can help it" and then he brushes her hand with his which is legit foreplay in this time period (and now...I love me a good hand brush) and Agnes can smell the pheromones being emitted from that side of the room so she comes over to break up their little lovers tryst.

the following scene contains explicit content, viewer discretion is advised.

At the tea party we learn that the only person more desperate than the Hot Widower for Marian to be his child's new mother is the actual child herself, Frances. She's obsessing over making sure Marian is having a good time and Marian is just thinking about what she should paint with watercolors when she gets home. So Frances runs off to get Marian more tea and one of the other children's actual mother comes and pounces on Marian and is like "oh my GOD! You must be an amazing wife because your child is perfect and your husband is WHIPPED! he's also hot" and Marian is like "ew gross they are my COUSINS" and girl he's not your cousin, keep repeating it all you want it won't be true. Anyway so the mother is like "oh this is awkward, bye" and then Frances comes back with the tea and some of the other girls come over to fangirl over Marian because she's like a celebrity to them...probably because she's not the math teacher or something boring but we can't dwell on the fangirling because the Hot Widower is back to pick up his girls! Marian is like "oh I don't need an escort to get home, I do it like every day" and this time Frances is like "no, you're coming with us mommy dearest!"

more proof that Marian is a good fucking liar because ain't no way she's not frightened by this creepy child.

Up in Newport Larry Russell's Mommy Issues World Tour is in full swing as he's got Temu Bertha's leg draped over him in flagrante delicto. So she's like "the paper's writing about is like REALLY BAD for my position in society" and he's like "I don't care about that!" and she's like "well you're a man? you don't need to care about that but I do?!" and he's like "what does it matter if we're happy?" and she's like "well your mother wants me to come over for a chat" and he's like "oh noooooo, did she tell you why?" and she's like "to sell me a box in the new opera house I think?" and he's like "oh that makes sense because she doesn't care about me at all, so I would very much doubt it has to do with this! by the way I love you and I think we're going to be together forever!!" and she's like "yeah I totally wanted this to be just for fun but I caught feelings! Must be your curls!"

you can't possibly be this dumb Larry. Of course people care!!

Speaking of Curls' actual mommy, we are back on 61st with our first trip to Russell Manor this ep where Bertha is reading the newspaper, presumably the one the newspaper man was referring to in the first scene and we can easily presume this because she looks PISSED. So Daddy comes in and is like "Oh Sugar Plum, will you please let me out of the dog house and eat dinner with me like we used to?" and she just scoffs at him without breaking her concentration on the paper so he has to bring out the big guns and is like "Oh by the way I got us invited to a party with the Duke of Buckingham just like you wanted!" she puts the paper down but tries not to looked too pleased because she's still hella mad about him seeing the Troublemaker's boobies so she's like "look at you, you put your mind to it and you did exactly what I asked for, thank you. I wish all of my problems were so easily solved" so he's like "oh did your tour of the new opera house not go well? do you want me to look into it? and by me I mean Clay and the minions at Russell Evil Incorporated..." and so she's like "actually that would be helpful because I have to confront a cougar that is causing damage to the reputation of our precious boy" and he's like "no one confronts better than you!" and she's like "OH MY GOD I AM SO TIRED OF IT!!! I JUST WISH YOU GUYS WOULD DO WHAT I ASK AND TAKE SOME OF THE BURDEN OFF MY PLATE!!!" and he's like "yo, I literally JUST delivered you what you asked for and offered to remove a burden from your plate?" and she's like "oh, yeah." and so he's like "how are you going to deal with the cougar, you're not going to fight her right?" and she's like "no, I am just going to hold a mirror up to her face"

10/10 Carrie, no notes.

Downstairs we are back with the plot that no one cares about (and when I say no one I mean me because my opinion is the only one that matters) Butler is like "did you make a decision about moving across the country but being cut off from everyone you know and never seeing your daughter again?" and Creepy Valet is like "no, because I am unsure it's best and I am not even sure its what my daughter wants" and Housekeeper is like "...um ask her?"

Pack your bags and your pepper spray! (when was pepper spray invented?) we are heading below the Mason-Dixon! So we are on the platform of a train station (CGI score: 6/10) and Pretty Peggy is brighter eyed and bushier tailed than we have ever seen her, probably because she's doing what she loves and covering a story that matters. They...and by they I mean Peggy and T. Thomas Fortune because unlike Peggy told her mother, there isn't a group of people on this assignment...are met on the platform by Booker T. Washington himself and Peggy is already interviewing him for her piece but they are interrupted by a white dude (typical!) walking by that Mr. Washington feels obliged to acknowledge, but when that white dude is complementary and not bigoted Mr. Fortune and our Pretty Peggy are stunned nearly silent.

\"daaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmnnn!\"-Peggy in her head probably

Back in Manhattan, Marian is leaving work for the day and Frances is like "my poor widower of a father is outside and lonely! will you come see him and get a ride home?!" and Marian is dumb but not that dumb so she's like "oh shoot! I have plans with my aunt! sorry." but not sorry at all. Before she can make a clean getaway the headmistress of the school is like "hey we're teaching charity classes here, head by Jane Addams...you know who that is?" and Marian shakes her head because she's not as worldly as she likes to pretend she is and so the headmistress continues "yeah, we need people willing to work for free to give these people skills, I assume you will do this since debutantes don't normally work for pay anyway?" and Marian is so excited she's practically shrieking "YESSSSSSS!!!"

We find Ada in the park with her crush, Marian must have been travelling home with her as a cover because we know Ada can't lie for shit but Marian is a seasoned vet. The Reverend Mr. Boston has given Ada a beautiful bouquet of peonies (did he pick these himself? did he buy them from a vendor? did he have his curet do it for him? this is the kind of backstory I need filled in!) and Ada is stressing because she doesn't know how she'll explain to Agnes where the flowers came from...as a myself little sister, I totally get it Ada! So he's like "the flowers are not for your sister, they are for you!" and then he tries to kiss her but GOD is like not on my watch! and it starts dumping rain on them, so they decide to hail a cab and ditch Marian.

We return to the drawing room at Russell Manor where Bertha is staring out the window at the rain, for a second we think she's alone but then she starts talking without looking at the other person, the other person is none other than Temu Bertha. So real Bertha is holding that mirror up to this cougar like she told her husband she would and is like "so I read the gossip in the paper about you banging my son and like how could you be so stupid and indiscreet?" and Temu is like "I thought we were here to talk about the oper..." and Real is like "we're here to talk about what I want to talk about in the order I want to talk about it in...so anyway, could you stop this affair you are having with my child?" and Temu is like "well he works for me and..." and Real is like "and nothing. End this thing. You are perimenopausal and when the shine of the taboo wears off he will think of you the same way you thought about your dead husband, now get out of my house."

my god I would never do anything to cross this woman, I wouldn't be able to survive the burns.

Across the street the rain has eased up and the cab has pulled up to drop off Ada, and the Reverend Mr. Boston gives the cabbie a break and runs around to open the door for her. She does a stressed out glance at the windows probably hoping her sister isn't peeking out and he's like "I don't want to wait until Sunday to see you, so lets devise a reason for you to come by the church tomorrow for a date! or do you have to ask permission?" and she's like "I don't need permission, I am my own person and I will see you tomorrow!" Agnes was not spying out the window but Marian was so she jots over to greet her aunt at the door and is like "OH MY GOD HE GOT YOU FLOWERS?!?!!" and Ada is like "yes, but now they are yours because I can't lie like you can" and she goes up to change for dinner.

I don't think she actually believes what she is saying here, do you?

With Ada's flowers as the centerpiece, the Brook girls are now changed and eating their dinner and Marian is gushing about her new altruistic side gig. Ada (predictably) very pleased for her and Agnes is (predicably) not, so after chiding her niece about her job yet again she turns to her sister and is like "hey my dinner plans for tomorrow as cancelled so I asked the cook to whip up that recipe we found in that magazine!" and Marian is like "oh I made plans already since I am society darling and a social butterfly and I didn't think you will be home" and then Ada mumbles "oh and I also made plans for tomorrow" and Agnes who is old but not deaf is like "what the fuck do you mean by plans?! you never do anything socially that doesn't involve me!!!" and Ada is like "well its not social per se, I am going to work on more fundraising ideas for the missionaries" and Agnes is like "oh my god Marian was right! you are trying to un-spinster yourself with the Reverend Mr. Boston!!!" and Marian is like "oh my god I did NOT say that!!!" and Agnes is like "no one it talking to you Marian! ADA!!! I did not sacrifice 40 years of my life bankrolling you throughout so that you could abandon me!! You are supposed to be my companion until the end!!!" Meanwhile a bee that I guess had been asleep in the flowers since Ada received them like 5 hours prior, has suddenly awoken and is wreaking havoc on this dinner service and Agnes who is already hot under the collar loses her shit and is like "TAKE THE FLOWERS AWAY, CLEAR THE PLATES, NO DESSERT WE ARE GOING TO BED" and Marian starts scarfing down the remainder of her food before Jack pries it away from her when a bell starts ringing loud and long. So Agnes is like "AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" and Jack is like "so it's a funny story, I tried to fix my alarm clock and I think I may be on the right path!"

Agnes is definitely trying to figure out how her captive could manage making plans without permission.

Elsewhere in Manhattan, Creepy Valet is meeting with his daughter's husband about his pending move to the best coast (I am NOT AT ALL biased) so Creepy Valet is like "where's my daughter? can I talk to her about this or what?" and the husband is like "lol, no. I speak for us both, she doesn't want to see you and she wants you to GTFO of New York" and CV is like "ok cool, but I need to hear that from her or I am not going anywhere"

Back at Russell Manor, Housekeeper is suspiciously creeping around the drawing room making sure no one is watching. When she's convinced the coast is clear she sits down at the piano forte and starts tickling the ivory with a big ass goofy grin on her face (ugggggh, Uncle JULIAN!!! There are so many characters, don't start dropping hints about more people I need to focus on!!!) anyway so she gets so taken up with her love of the piano she doesn't realize that Faux Frenchie is spying on her and he's like "oh hey you like music!" and she's like "why the hell are you out of the dungeon?!" and he's like "oh you know I have to come above ground to confirm the menus, heaven forfend the mistress actually has to come below stairs! anyway, you liking music is like the perfect opportunity for me to ask you if you want to go on a date to Central Park to see a concert?" and she's like "um, YES!"

All rise, THE Caroline Webster Schermerhorn Astor is in the house! Well, because it's her house. But her butler, Hefty (hefty, HEFTY) has announced that the Troublemaker's dinosaur of a husband has come to call on her. So Lina is like "proof I am still top of the food chain because you're here at my summons!" and the Dinosaur is like "yes well my wife would lose her mind if she knew I was summoned by you and I didn't respond, by the way why couldn't I bring her?" and Lina is like "cos she a hoe" and he's like "HOW DARE YOU?!!!" and she's like "I dare because we already established I am at the top of the food chain and I must say your wife is below the bottom of it, so she can't come to the Academy no mo" and he's like "I AM GOING TO GIVE ALL MY MONEY TO THE NEW OPERA AND ALL MY OLD MONEY FRIENDS WILL COME WITH ME!!" and she's like "whatever, you can leave now"

I was going to gif this scene but this still make me lol so here you go

Mommy and Daddy are dressed to the nines, because when are they not? but we are at that dinner he got them invited to so she'd stop icing him out and it's working because she's clung to him like a stage 5. So he's like "do I have to curtsy to this prick or something?" and she's like "don't be silly! just don't call him Your Grace because it will make us look provincial, call him Duke" and Daddy is like "this is literal bullshit" and I want to scream speak for yourself Daddy! No one does toff loving propos better than Uncle Julian and I am excited to see where this is going! but that's probably just a sign that I should take my meds. Anyway the Troublemaker and her dino come over and Trouble is like "who the hell let you in?" and the Societal Alpinist is like "did you miss the fact that I am tenacious when you were ironing my underwear or..." but the Dinosaur can recognize cattiness so he turns to Daddy and is like "is it true the Met has like stopped construction? because I was literally just thinking about backing it" and Daddy is like "oh well it was just a planned day off for the workers, they are back at it now!" So Trouble and her grampy walk off in the other direction and the SA turns to Daddy and is like "OH MY GOD REALLY?!" and he's like "yes, consider that burden lifted!" and she's like "I am so happy I could kiss you, but I have to go get up to some mischief in the next room, brb"

seriously, how is she surprised by the tenacity?!

So we follow the Societal Alpinist on her quest and this quest is swapping place cards at dinner, she makes sure he has a first class seat and a footman is like "are you lost?" and she smiles and darts back into the next room just in time for the introduction of His Grace. So this guy glides into the room like he's used to being the most important person in every room and I am like that meme of the guy who moves forward in his chair because the video game is getting intense, he's clearly well groomed but a little dumpy looking at the same time? maybe its the sideburns or just the suit that looks frumpy from the waist down but the most important part of this scene is that the Troublemaker hilariously bowls through everyone in the assembly (including Agnes' Worthlessington of a child and his new mark) to greet him first and she does exactly what Bertha told George not to do, called him "Your Grace" instead of "Duke" while he is politely responding to the Troublemaker, Mommy turns to Daddy and is like "Just wait one fucking second, isn't he supposed to be a dinosaur like Turner's husband? why is this man a contemporary of our children?!" and Daddy is like "um, you're asking me? I am an American who isn't nearly as concerned with social climbing as you are, how the hell should I know?" When the Duke turns away from the Troublemaker she turns to our Societal Alpinist with a wicked grin on her face that says First the Academy and now the aristocracy...I succeed everywhere you fail! and Bertha returns a look that says she who laughs last, laughs longest.

the Troublemaker is moving through that crowd like Frogger trying to cross the street

They head in to dinner and the Troublemaker is one of the first escorted into the room, she expects to be beside His Grace but her face instantly drops when she can't find her place card anywhere near him. Mommy and Daddy enter and of course our Societal Alpinist is located in the seat that the Troublemaker thought was for her...and we knew this because we saw her swap the cards. But the butler is about to throw a fit about it and Daddy is like "oh but look, that card says Mrs. George Russell and that's my wife who is clearly in the right seat unless your incompetent staff messed up, should we draw attention to how incompetent your staff is?" so the butler instantly backs down because that is like the last thing he wants, and the Duke comes in and is like "Oh Mrs. Russell! this is better than I was expecting, I can't wait to chat you up!" Meanwhile on the opposite side of the table in the LOSER section, the Troublemaker is like "how the fuck did I end up over here?!" and Oscar is like "oh we aren't so bad in the loser section!" and then they lock eyes and Oscar is like "OH MY GOD BESTIE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEEEEN!!!! TELL ME EVERTHING!!!" and she's like "GLADLY!!!!" Back to the cool side of the table the Duke is looking at the dinner service and one of Bertha's many talents is reading people so she's like "how did they fuck this up?" and he's like "I honestly don't understand why Americans have to change things that were perfectly fine in the Old World? Our tablescapes make sense and like why do you say ZEE instead of ZED and remove the U from words?" and she's like "well when you come to dinner at my house you'll definitely feel comfortable, I spare no expense when the guest is important enough" and he's like "If you are propositioning me, can it take place at your house in Newport? I am going there for the season but right now I have to stay with the Wintertons" and he says Wintertons with such a stink face that you just know he knows that the Troublemaker is an uppity trollop and he wants nothing to do with her if he can help it. Our Societal Alpinist also picks up on this and is like "you can TOTALLY stay with my family, I have two children who are your new best friends!" and then she looks over at the Troublemaker with a devilish "I win!" grin.

Daddy lobbying HARD to get back in that bedroom

Down South, because we can't forget about our Pretty Peggy's adventure, they are having dinner with the Washingtons and chit chatting about all they've seen at Tuskegee so far. Peggy is like "I went to the School of Black Excellence in Philly and I feel like the same sort of ambition and hope among the students here! its amazing!!" and Mrs. Washington is like "come chat up the girls I teach tomorrow and you can further inspire them to see there is so much a Black woman can accomplish!" and Peggy is like "I can't imagine ever being an inspiration but it will be great for my article!"

Back at the Duke Dinner, the Duke is telling Bertha a story and she is working overtime to keep him talking to her instead of turning in the other direction, she is laughing and bantering in tune with his tale and it seems to be working because Daddy is giving her a little proud side eye grin from his corner of the table. Over in the loser section we listen in to Oscar and his Mark have a discussion (I thought at these parties you weren't supposed to sit next to the date/partner you brought with you but instead someone else so you can socialize and meet new people?) and she's like "so what have you heard about me?" and he's like "oh, that you have daddy issues" and she's like "he's trying to use me as a front for his get rich quick schemes and I hate it!" and he's like "so don't do it?" and she scoffs.

at least she can side hustle as a comedian if they go bankrupt

I guess we are doing that ping pong scene thing again because we are already back in the South, still at dinner, and Mr. Fortune is like "Ok so its like cute and all that you're teaching these students farming and sewing and high end domestic skills so they can earn a living but when are you going to start teaching them to throw 'bows and stuff?" and Peggy is like "just because things are less contentious in the North don't act like throwing 'bows wont get you killed up there too. We are second class citizens anywhere we go in this country; back doors, servant's entrances, we have to still play their game" and Mr. Fortune can't read a room so he decides to continue being indignant and is like "but we can have jobs and earn fair wages even if we are going though back doors and eating in separate rooms! The people here need to fight for that level of respect!" and Mr. Washington is like "I am simply trying to teach these people to stay alive. Teaching them to fight will achieve the exact opposite."

The next day Peggy rises with the light of the morning and she's so put together I know she'd get a billion views on a GRWM vlog...anyway so she goes down the hall and knocks on a door and Mr. Fortune answers SHIRTLESS. My dude, you did that shit on purpose!!! You are not at home, if it wasn't Peggy it could have been Mrs. Washington?! How hard is it to say "just a second!" and put on the robe that you had RIGHT THERE before you opened the door? Anyway the thirst trap he set for Pretty Peggy worked because she's stumbling over her words while he tries to get decent. When she finds her words she's like "i am up super early so we can go interview the students without Mr. Washington around because no one is honest when they are speaking in front of the boss!" So they head to the campus which is literally a farm and they are talking to a sweet kid named David Sturt who is explaining that they rotate between focuses so he's doing farming right now but previously he was building the new dormitory they are here to cover the opening of...after that he teaches Peggy to milk a cow and its like is there nothing our Perfect Pretty Peggy can't do?!

Marian Voice: But he's a man, and A MARRIED ONE

Back on the cozy side of 61st Jack is fuckin with that dumb clock and Little Red is as close to him as she can be without making it weird (but its still a little weird, girl make up your mind) and she's hyping him up hard "oh you are so smart, look at all those things you have to tinker with!" and of course the Bigoted Lady's Maid has to chime in and she's like "smart? the clock went off during dinner. seems more broken than fixed, just get a new one!" and Mrs. Gambler is like "will you shut up? he's basically got it figured out!" and Bannister suddenly appears (but in reality he's been next to Jack the whole time) and is like "so you have it figured out to not embarrass us during dinner again?" and then Jack starts talking like a clock maker and everyone (except for BLM) is super impressed.

the opacity on Bridget is set to 100&#37;

Elsewhere in Manhattan we get to see the Troublemaker's upgraded digs and she's kissing her Dinosaur (anything for a paycheck I guess) and is like "I am off to spend some of your money! bye babe!" and he's like "oh by the way we were kicked out of the Academy" and she's like "but how? we're old money!!!" and he's like "THE Mrs. Astor said youse a hoe, but I can't understand how a fine upstanding lady like you who would throw herself at an old man like me after scarce a meeting could possibly be a hoe?" and she's like "remember how I was bankrupt when we met? I had to work as a companion and I was one for Mrs. Russell" and he's like "but she's married? Married women don't need companions that's for like spinsters and lesbians?" and she's like "yeah well it's because her husband was so busy building his business so she was lonely! I left once he was like established?" and Grampy seems to buy her story so she sighs relief while simultaneously burning with rage against the Societal Alpinist.

In Central Park Oscar is on a walk with his mark, and they are laughing at his childhood dream to be a member of the aristocracy so she's like "thanks for cheering me up once again, my dad has had me in all these boring money laundering meetings and it makes my poor dumb girl brain hurt. I wish I could just not deal with this any more!" and he's like "why don't I help you! I am great with money and numbers...its like my job"

Outside of the offices of Russell Evil Incorporated, Daddy has pulled up and there is a crowd of hecklers calling him a murderer (harsh!) and a robber baron (accurate). He heads inside and is reading the paper that has a very realistic political cartoon depicting him as a union busting plutocrat (I will also point out to the people who constantly argue with me that the timeline of this show is AmBigUoUs that the paper clearly shows the year is currently 1883. Although it says its March 24th and since the first episode happened at Easter which I looked up, Easter in 1883 happened on March 25th, we do have a little goof here) Anyway Daddy is mad that people are mad at him because he thinks he's a true saint because he's like lifted whole towns out of poverty with his bare hands and shit "these people should LOVE ME!!!!" and then they start discussing exactly why people DON'T love him, they are planning on forcing scabs into the factory when the workers go on strike.

I found a goof! HBO should hire me for fact checking.

In Newport, Curls excitedly raps on Temu Bertha's door to pick her up for the dinner at Mrs. Fish's house that they were talking about 23(?!!) scenes ago. She tells the footman to not let him in and she will talk to him at the door and Larry is instantly like "wait why can't I come in? and why aren't you ready for dinner?" and she's like "because this is over" and he's like "NO IT'S NOT!!!!" and she's like "ok but it is? please don't be petulant about this...let's end this amicably" and he's like "I AM GOING TO DESTROY MY MOTHER!!!" and she's like "ok because that is not being petulant at all. I am sorry, but she's right we should just enjoy our memories of the tryst and let it end here" and she slams the door on him.

At St. Thomas' Spinster Sister and the Reverend Mr. Boston are on their choir practice date and he's an eager beaver because the date just started and he's already like "hey do you want to go to the Academy with me to watch a tragic love story in the form of an opera?" and she's like "wow! I should check with my sister that we don't have plans but yes! sounds like fun" and then he's like "sweet, will you also marry me?" and she's like "HELL YES!!!!!!" and I think God will forgive her for bringing up that place in his house just this once, but back at Ada's house the person who will not forgive her for that enthusiastic yes is previewing the end of her days because she's sitting alone at the dining table with no one but Bannister to talk to.

tale of two sisters

Across the street the next morning, the Societal Alpinist is running fast down that grand staircase of hers, she finds Daddy in the drawing room and she's like "THE DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM IS MINE!! He's throwing the Wintertons over and he'll be staying with us in Newport! Now EVERYONE will be at our first dinner!!!" and he's like "so now that you've one upped her are you going to forgive me?" and she's like "if you ever keep something like this from me again I will dismember your member!" and he pulls her into an embrace and all of my fellow Romans let out a huge sigh of relief that war is over and Mommy and Daddy are back together!

The news of the Buckingham x Russell collab is spreading like wildfire, we see Aurora and Anthropomorphic Ken read about it in The New York Times, Marian in The Sun, and finally the Troublemaker reads about it in some magazine for ladies. Predictably the Troublemaker doesn't take the news well and is vowing revenge against our antagonizing protagonist, the Societal Alpinist!

girl, you're going to have a stroke or something. But seriously you tried to steal her husband?! How did you think there would be no retribution?!

That's it for this week! If you stuck around through the whole thing thanks for reading! Check back next time for cupid's arrow to be shooting all over the place!

As always, talk about your favorite S2E4 moments! or talk about anything really...S4 is coming THIS FALL!!!!

^(Disclaimer: sometimes the GIFs in the post may cause the reddit mobile app to glitch and run poorly and is best viewed from a browser, even the mobile browser on your phone works fine.)

Welcome to another episode recap! If you missed the last one or you're new to these you can find an explanation and the links to my previous posts here.

OK I lied about the last episode being the last boring one...

We open in the kitchens of Russell Manor and they are prepping a shit ton of food that will probably go to waste, but it looks pretty so good job Faux Frenchie! Mommy and Daddy come downstairs and she's raring to go for another day of social climbing and because he loves her more than anything he's acting excited to gossip with her. She's all like "I am throwing another party to get people to buy boxes at the Met so Ward McAllister is bringing that bitch who used to iron my underwear!" and he's like "um...should we like let her back in the house?" and she's like "don't worry, she won't want to embarrass herself and she knows I can embarrass her easily if I wanted to" and he looks worried because he knows he's seen the Troublemaker's boobies so letting her back into the house is a very dumb idea. Butler comes in to tell Bertha she has to micromanage some shit and she's like "oh by the way one of my guests at tea today will be a little skankier than you're use to because you know, we might be New Money but we are classy as fuck...I hope you can remain cool and let this absolute skank feel welcome" and he's like "you buy, I fly. Say no more boss lady"

ain't no one eating all that food.

Across the street reminiscent of the series premiere, Ada is spying out the window to see what is happening across the street while Agnes is reading the paper at her desk pretending not to care (but she seems very invested). Ada is like "oh looks like they are having a tea party! I LOVE parties, remember we used to go to them all the time and HOST!! We use to HOST parties!! I think we should host a party!" and Agnes is like "I have known you since you were born it's clear you want to ask me to do something you know I won't be interested in so just like say it?" and Ada is like "you know the new rector at our church who is conventionally handsome, age appropriate, and conveniently single? I think it would be fun to have a luncheon party with him as our honored guest!" and Agnes is like "uggggh that sounds so BORING!!! How can you not get your fill of him on Sunday when we are sat in the pew?! BUUUUUT wait this might be the perfect cover!" and Ada is like "oh god what crime do we need a cover for?!" and Agnes is like "no no, my nephew who is my thankfully dead husband's sister's son and is not related by blood to our niece because she's our also thankfully dead brother's daughter has a little crush on her and wants us to hook them up!" and Ada is like "well Marian is like a grown woman so just tell her and she can figure it out?!" and Agnes is like "she would never go for this if she knew I thought it was a good idea! her instinct is to do the exact opposite of anything I tell her!!!" and anyone with any sense knows Agnes is right about that.

savage as as always

Back to the Manor, Trouble literally walks through the door in the shape of Mrs. Turnerton and Mousey Maid is doing her job of collecting the coats from the guests when she sees her former coworker and squeaks like the mouse that she is. So she starts running because she's so confused and she runs squarely into the chest of Railroad Daddy and he's like "you clearly seemed frazzled, are you ok" and her squeaks turn into squacks and she's like "I SWEAR ON MY LIFE THE FORMER SENIOR LADY'S MAID JUST WALKED IN THE HOUSE DRESSED LIKE THE MISTRESS OF HER OWN MANOR" and Daddy is like "yep, America be like that sometimes" and Mousey Maid is like "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" and then Butler shoos her downstairs because this is clearly the skank he was warned about and MM is being the opposite of cool. So she runs like her petticoat is on fire, bumping into people and I am shocked she didn't fall down the stairs she is running so fast and she bursts into the kitchen screaming "OH MY GOD!!! MS. TURNER IS UPSTAIRS BUT SHE'S NOW MRS. WINTERTON AND HERE AS A GUEST AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO PRETEND ITS NORMAL!!!" and Housekeeper is like "girl, have you been drinking?" and Butler comes in and is like "she hasn't...but honestly that's not a bad idea maybe it will chill her out a bit. Anyway what she said is true and the boss warned me a skank was coming but we were supposed to be chill about it so everyone be chill and do what you're paid to do!"

every episode there is someone in dire need of a xanex...today it's Mousey Maid

Upstairs I only see one dude holding a plate with the little cucumber sandwiches from the opening sequence so my waste analysis must be correct. Bertha is bouncing around from various groups of New Money people who couldn't get a box at the Academy and Old Money people who have a box but just want to be in the midst of what is cool so will consider buying a box in both houses, like Mrs. Fish. Ward is chatting with Daddy and he's like "it's always a pleasure to be around your fine ass, thank you so much for hosting this party even though you are actively destroying society as we know it!" and Daddy is like "well wifey says its for the best and whatever wifey wants WIFEY GETS!" Across the room the Wifey in question rings a bell like they are a bunch of school children who need their attention refocused (seriously, the room isn't that large and there aren't even 20 people in the room!) So the Troublemaker walks near Daddy and makes a nod of acknowledgement and I guess not to give fuel to the gossips he smiles and nods back even though his ass should just steer clear of that woman. At one point she also turns and smiles at one of the (impossibly handsome) footmen. Bertha is droning on about being excluded from the cool kids club long enough and that the Met is going to be the place and then the Mr. Gilbert guy from two episodes is back and he's like "oh we asked this queen bee right here to be on the board, so expect more of these pleas for your support when she invites you places" and then Bertha is like "oh yeah and my first order of business as a member of the board is to declare we are opening our opera house on the same night as the Academy!" and everyone gasps and Mrs. Fish is like "girl, YOU ARE CRAZY!!!"

no one has food or tea!!!

We head outside to see Little Miss Stubborn running across 61st street and up the stairs into her aunt's house. She's like "my bad y'all, I had to do manual labor at the office and it made me late!" and Agnes is like "I thought you were an art teacher, now you are doing things that could make you SWEAT?! yuck" Marian ignores her and is like "did I make it in time for this meeting or am I too late?" and Agnes is like "the guest of honor, her nearly royal highness THE Caroline Webster Schermerhorn Astor and that minion of hers have yet to arrive, so no you are not late" Spinster Sister, Pretty Peggy and our Sweet Aurora are also in the room and Aurora says "Oh I got tickets to see Oscar Wilde's new play and I want you to come with us!" and Agnes uses it as another opportunity to dig at Marian for having a job but everyone has grown tired of this bit so they ignore her and move on. So Aurora is like "oh we are bringing Maud Beaton and she want so be besties with you?" and Marian is like "oh that girl I hardly spoke to in Newport?" and Aurora is like "yeah, it seems like she has a thing for our cousin" and Agnes gets all wide eyed and is like "AS IN MY SON?!!! Ooooh does she meet my standards?!" and Aurora is like "her mom was a Stuyvesant so she meets the Old New York requirement, and she's like an heiress or something" and Ada sensibly says "we should talk to Mrs. Fish or literally anyone else with Stuyvesant blood in their family tree to check her out!" and Agnes is like "naw Aurora says she's loaded so this is the perfect match!" just then THE Caroline Webster Schermerhorn Astor, Senior enters the room and everyone stands for her like she's Queen Victoria or something (well everyone except Ada who is dutifully petting Pumpkin...the true royal in the room)

Back to the drawing room across the street and Daddy is like "I gotta bounce because I have to work to pay for all this" and Ward is like "I should go too, I need to meet my Mystic Rose. But before I leave Mrs. Fish is right, you are crazy! I wanted to go to both opening nights, why would you do me like this?" and she's like "it's a loyalty test you effing fence sitter! pick a side!" So he skulks away with his tail between his legs and when heads outside he looks around to make sure no one that matters can see him then he hilariously darts across East 61st street and runs up the stairs into Agnes' house.

Inside of Agnes' house, Lina Astor is whining because she thought since she actually lowered her self to the level of New Money last year and went to Gladys' ball that meant that the Societal Alpinist from across the street would stop fighting her for a seat at the table, and literally everyone in this gaggle of women except for Agnes is looking at her like she's crazy but they are interrupted by Ward bursting through the door and he's like "I HAVE GOSSIP ABOUT THE OPERA WARS HOT OFF THE PRESS!!!" and Agnes is like "well spill it then!" so he's like "The new Metropolitan Opera House will open on the same night as the new season of our beloved Academy of Music!" and everyone gasps except for Peggy and Marian who are trying hard not to laugh. Marian is not good at keeping her mouth shut so she's like "Well at least you'll know what side everyone is on because everyone will have to pick which opera to go to!" and Lina is like "Well Agnes, subterfuge is what we need here so can you write letters to all the box holders in the most prestigious opera house in New York and tell them if they give any money to the upstarts we will revoke their box? I can't do it because I have to look like I don't care" and Agnes is like "yes that's why I hired the Black girl" and Peggy is like "I have already written 3 letters during this conversation!"

We head downstairs and Bannister is filling in the staff on the details of the upstairs tea party while our little American Dreamer is tinkering with the alarm clock he can't stop talking about and Little Red is pretending to work but she's really just trying to see what Jack is up to. So Bannister is like "THE Mrs. Astor has a real bee in her bonnet about this new opera house so I think the lady from across the street is going down" and Little Red is like "well I think the lady from across the street will triumph because she's got youth on her side. Miss Marian for one" and Jack is like "and me!" and because Little Red is far and away the one in this room that is least able to process their emotions in a healthy way (which is crazy because Armstrong is like right there) she's all like "you couldn't possibly have come to that opinion on your own...its your girlfriend who suggested it" and Jack just stares at her because he wanted HER to be his girlfriend and she's the one who turned him down so why can't she let him live his life?! Anyway Bannister tries to steer the conversation back on track and he's like "oooh and the mistress is having Miss Scott do all the leg work for THE Mrs. Astor" and now its Armstrong's turn to have an unhealthy emotional response.

eyes about to roll so far back he's going to see his mom again

On the business end of Manhattan, Daddy and Mr. Smooth Voice are discussing robber barony things at the Russell Evil Incorporated headquarters. They are reminding us of last week's plot introduction of the Pittsburg union man coming for a visit to the BIG CITY.

Back at Daddy's house the Opera Tea is coming to a close and Mrs. Fish is doing something she's great at...stirring up some shit. So she powerwalks over to Bertha and is like "where is your man? oh well it doesn't matter. I am loving this drama you've created because you know I live for this, but if you're going to win this war you need to court more Old Money, like her husband!" and she gestures over to the Troublemaker which causes steam to leak from Bertha's ears, Mamie doesn't notice this and lays it on thicker "that young hottie who snagged the dinosaur is using her husband's Old Money to be a new society darling and its working. Word on the street is she's collecting status points on both sides of the pond and even has a copper-bottomed duke in her pocket!" and now Bertha's hair is literally flaming but Mamie still doesn't see it but you bet your ass the Troublemaker does so she waddles her way over and is like "great party, it's wonderful to be invited into your home...its so nouveau riche unlike my old and established manor" and Bertha is trying so hard to not let the potato farmer's daughter that lives inside her out. Troublemaker goes further and is like "I don't think I can join your cause though, because I have box at the Academy and I am from OLD money, it doesn't do well for my social standing to mix with the new, you know all my Old Money friends will think I am desperate for attention joining the Met cause" and Mamie is like "OOH like the Duke of Buckingham!" and the Troublemaker is like "especially him! He's my new bestie and will be visiting America so I can show him around with my OLD Money connections!" Mamie excuses herself to chat with some friends so we get to see the gloves come off and the Troublemaker is like "I heard your daughter actually had a successful debut, your desperation knows no bounds" and the Societal Alpinist is like "yeah you could have seen it, but only because you'd need to fix my hair, never as a guest" and the Troublemaker is like "bitch, I am a guest right now? besides if you didn't get jealous of your husband and I being naked together I wouldn't have left in the first place" and with that mic drop the Troublemaker waddles off in the other direction.

oh no

Downstairs the servant's hall is full of chatter about the triumphant return of the Troublemaker. Housekeeper is like "I honestly thought everyone was lying so I went up there and sure as shit Mrs. Winterton is actually Miss Turner! how on earth did this happen!" and the impossibly handsome footman from six scenes ago was like "I am a minor player in this season so I can tell you, my bestie Miss Turner is a keen letter writer and she charmed her way into his house then she made sure she could stay there by using a different set of talents!"

the maids are thinking \"this is better than a novel!\"

To the offices of The Globe. Mr. Fortune is like "hey Peggy! I am going out of town on assignment so I need you to cover these like 40 stories while I am gone!" and she's like "out of town?! that sounds more fun than this...where are you going?" and he's like "the South" and she's like "I'm in!" and he's like "I didn't assign you this story?" and she's like "come on we all know I am the only person who can write this story properly and I have never been to the South, have you?" and he's like "yeah because I was a slave" and she's like "oh my bad, sorry. But can I go?" and he's like "people would talk if we traveled together" and she's like "I am your employee and we are travelling for work! there is not much inappropriate gossip people can make out of that, so should I pack?"

this show gets so dark, I need more joy and less reality,

Speaking of inappropriate gossip and relationships between and employee and a subordinate, we head up to Newport where Curls is on his Mommy Issues Grand Tour and making out with Temu Bertha. He's half heartedly being like "oh I have to work!" But then she's like "the only work I need from you is in the bedroom, by the way is your mom still around because in addition to having an impeccable sense of fashion and great hair...she seems very smart and I think she knows there is something up between us" Curls, who knows very well that his mother knows all about them, tries to play it off and is like "I don't care if she knows, I don't care if anyone knows! I want to shout it out loud for all of Newport to hear" and she's like "that is such a childish thing that only a man would say...no one can know!"

Back in New York, Bertha is still HOT and must have received intel that Daddy was home from the office and she's marched the 5 miles across the house to have it out with him. She walks in and Creepy Valet is looking at papers with him (which is weird because valets aren't secretaries...that is the whole reason he has Mr. Smooth Voice? Maybe it's because this valet is really a banker undercover?) Anyway she's like "get the fuck out baldy!" and Watson-Collyer speeds out with a look of terror but still manages to close the door behind him because he knows it's about to pop off in that room. So she turns to her husband and is like "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WITH TURNER?!" and he's like "Oh my god I did nothing!! I swear I did absolutely nothing! I did see her boobs though, but I didn't touch them and I would NEVER!" and she's like "YOU SAW HER NAKED?!" and he's like "briefly! and it wasn't even that exciting because I wanted it to be you and then I made her leave!" and she's like "but you didn't tell me?! was this after I fired her?!" and he's like "I didn't tell you because you would have acted like you're acting now, but no it was before you fired her" and she screams unintelligible sounds and storms out the room.

I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight :(

He was so shook by being barked out of the room in the previous seen we are propelled forward to the next day where we follow the Valet on a little errand. He's wearing a bowler hat like he would when he was stalking his daughter but it turns out he is meeting his daughter's husband for a meal and there is no stalking involved at all. We are finally filled into the totality of this sub-plot's origin story. Collyer was married and had Flora, he was a banker and it turned out he wasn't a very good one, probably speculated or something. So since his wife was an heiress, her father was like "we got to dump this loser pronto" and their marriage was dissolved via divorce. So that is when he started stalking to keep an eye on his daughter and became a valet to not starve and now his son in law is pretty pissed that he's related to a servant through marriage.

Back to Russell Manor and Daddy knocks on the door of his wife's room and she's like "what the fuck do you want?" and he's like "sugar plum, we have that luncheon for me to bamboozle the Pittsburg Unionman, and no one bamboozles better than you, are you going to keep your promise and come?" and she's like "why would I keep my word when you're a cheater and a liar!" and he's like "I absolutely have not cheated on you and I didn't lie exactly, I just withheld the information I felt was irrelevant...when you called me on it I totally told you the truth! Now are you coming to luncheon?" and she's like "I am not sure yet" and he's like "well you need to be sure because I can't pay for all of the shit you like to buy if you won't be the patsy in my con!" before she can snap back at him My Girlie Gladys pops in the room and Bertha's instinct is to always snap at her daughter so she's like "and now what the fuck do you want?!" and Gladys is like "I was invited to a play by Old Money people and I am going to be escorted there by someone you might consider a worthy match, your other child is also going...so can I go?" and Bertha is like "Sure" and Gladys is like "So I have like a chart with 15 different reasons why...oh wait, you said yes? Like I don't even need to do my presentation?" and Bertha is like "could you just like GTFO?" so Gladys turns to her father and is like "she's being weird, right?" and he's like "nope! totally normal, nothing to see here!"

Downstairs Butler is doing paperwork of some variety when Valet comes in and asks for advice, he rehashes the luncheon he had with his long lost daughter's husband and then lets us all in on the conclusion that was omitted from the original scene. The McNeill's are offering to pay for Mr. Watson to give up his job and his secret identity and return to his life as Mr. Collyer but to do so in San Francisco, far far away from New York and anyone who can be scandalized by his fall from banker to valet. The only catch is he can never see or speak to his daughter again. Butler is like "that sounds like a sweet deal?" and Valet is like "does it though?"

Outside a carriage pulls up and its rider is completely blow away at the sight of Russell Manor so this guy is one of us Poors >!fun fact: this actor is the IRL husband of Mrs. Stinkface from S1!< So he is shown into the drawing room where Daddy is sitting by himself so Daddy thanks Unionman for making the trip and I love that his response is simply "Yeah" Before we can even unpack that we find out that Bertha is indeed NOT being jejune and comes in the drawing room to greet their guest, Unionman is instantly more polite and responsive to Bertha and he compliments her home and says that the accommodations provided by her husband have been super cushy.

the new Mr. Stinkface?

Across the street the besties are having a chat and Peggy is like "hey I am going to the South on a business trip!" and Marian is like "THAT'S INCREDIBLE!!! but why?" and Peggy is like "So like T. Thomas Fortune knows Booker T. Washington and the latter is opening a school in Tuskeegee for Black folks to rise above the clutches of your people" and Marian pumps her fist and is like "right on! but like who else is going?" and Peggy is like "it's just me and the boss man" and Marian is like "ALONE?!" and Peggy is like "yes" and then they just stare at each other but Marian is staring with alarm because Peggy has syphoned off all of Marian's stubbornness.

you know you're toeing the line if Marian is calling you out

Back to Unionman luncheon, Bertha is like "I've heard Pittsburg is fabulous! Were you born there?" and he's like "No...I'm from Jersey but they ain't got no jobs there so I had to move but my wife, who works for a living, is a townie. We have been married nearly a quarter of a century and have 6 kids!" and Bertha is like "damn, we bang A LOT but have thankfully only managed to make two of those...anyway I think you men should go into the library and do manly chat stuff while I go be a socialite who doesn't have to work for a living like your wife"

Back to the Cozy side of 61st we are having that luncheon that the Brook sisters were talking about a dozen scenes ago, and right off the bat the Hot Widower is singing the praises of Ms. Marian Brook and she's actually blushing a bit. So he's like "my little partially orphaned child, Frances, is obsessed with you and wishes you'd teach more than just watercolor paintings" and the man for whom this luncheon was planned for, The Reverend Mr. Boston, is like "oh I think all art sucks, EXCEPT watercolors!" and Spinster Sister is like "OMG ME TOO" and then Agnes is like "Ada, you have never once shown a proclivity for watercolors, name one artist that paints in watercolor" and she's like "Menzel, bitch!" and the Reverend Mr. Boston is like "ooooh it just so happens his art is conveniently being exhibited here in the 2nd best city in the world!" but before he can go further Agnes is like "what is this food I did not order in my own home?" and Spinster Sister is like "oh yeah, I told Mrs. Bauer to throw out the menu you approved so that I could treat the rector here to some authentic Bostonian shit" Just so we don't forget there are other people at this luncheon, Oscar turns to our sweet Aurora and is like "thanks for bagging tickets to the Oscar Wilde thing, I am looking forward to having some fun" and Aurora is like "and I'm bringing that girl you like" and Oscar is trying to not sound desperate for his scheme of a lavender marriage to an heiress finally panning out is like "oh, that's cool" we pan back over to our matriarch and Bannister whispers to her "how drunk would you like me to get you tonight ma'am?" and Agnes is like "fuck me up please"

just leave her the whole carafe

In the Russell Manor Library, Unionman is like "look, all we want is a little work/life balance. Right now you got people working for 12 hours a day, six days a week, and they can only afford to feed themselves and sleep. There isn't enough to feed their families or like do anything besides work" (and this kind of sounds like my life today so I am already mad and on the side of Unionman) and Railroad Daddy is like "so? I can't pay more than I already do" and Unionman looks around the room that houses the value of the annual salary of like 500 steel workers and gestures around to tell Daddy he thinks that's bullshit. So Daddy is like "society needs the peons to make sacrifices so it can move forward. I am going to mention the Brooklyn Bridge being build which is in no way a relevant plot point...should I scale back my financial support on that project because a few guys got dead making it?" and Unionman is like "that doesn't change the fact that the workers could benefit from safer conditions, because you know dead people can't make you more money" and Daddy is like "you're smart, why don't you become a manager instead of a journeyman and you can live like me!" and Unionman is like "sorry dude, I have morals" ands Daddy is like "you are really going to make me live up to the robber baron moniker aren't you?" and Unionman is just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Unionman with the silencer!

Downstairs the Valet is telling the Housekeeper about his offer to move to the city by the bay 3000 miles away and she's like "a free ride to California seems like an amazing adventure but also, you're like her dad you know?" before we can dwell on that more Butler comes in and Faux Frenchie wants the dish on the luncheon he prepared for Unionman. Butler is like "I can't believe I had to degrade myself to serve a working class person who wants to organize the workers against the masters! It's disgusting, why can't we all just get along and lick boots like were supposed to?!" and Faux Frenchie was like "no dude, I just wanted to know if the mistress actually attended this luncheon or if the fight that everyone in this household talking about has extended to business meetings" and Butler is like "that woman can ACT, like you'd have no idea she hates him for reasons unbeknownst to us"

Back upstairs but in the drawing room this time Daddy is like "oh Sugar Plum, thank you so much for your help at the meeting today, although this asshole is principled so I am not sure it will work" and she's dismissively like "ok" and he's like "so are you going to change for dinner or are we just going in as we are tonight?" and she's like "I am eating alone in my room and your children have plans so you can eat in what ever state of dress you want...no one will be there to judge you" and she blows past him and he's crying "forgive me!!! We can do all your favorite positions!!!" she stops for a second because that sounds like a really good offer, but then she keeps walking.

Finally we get to this flipping play everyone won't shut up about and our Sweet Aurora is trying to play matchmaker. Aurora is there with her Anthropomorphic Ken Doll which is so obviously true love that Aurora thinks she has the gift >!lol!<, but her guests are the closeted Oscar with his secret heiress Maud Beaton, Marian and the Hot Widower, Larry and Temu Bertha, and My Girlie Gladys with another gay man feigning straight...John Adams. One thing that each of these couples have in common at the moment is none of them are enjoying this play, its like when you are force to watch your preschooler's recital with a straight face or looking like you're super into it, Oscar and Maude are failing at the straight face and everyone else is failing at looking interested. We finally get to an intermission and Curls is eager to display more Mommy issues by suggesting to Temu Bertha that they go back to her place for some bow chicka bow wooooow instead of heading to the after party. Hot Widower tells Little Miss Stubborn that he's going to miss the after party because his motherless child is crying at home about a school event that is for mothers and daughters, since Marian became motherless at a similar age she naively is like "oh, I totally know that that's like so I will be her substitute mother!" and Hot Widower is interested in offering her that position permanently. We get to the after party and Curls is successful in his mission because Temu Bertha has claimed a headache that caused her to be escorted home by her young employee...Maude is like "oh so they like fuckin!" and Sweet Aurora who is the most innocent person ever is like "oh no! That is impossible!"

none of these people will ever need Ambien again! they can just think of this play and drift right off

Oscar Wilde comes out (hehe) and spends the entire time making the whole room roar with laughter, basically Maude was right and in life he is the opposite of what he wrote for the stage. Aurora and Anthropomorphic Ken are introducing him to the players at the party we actually know and Oscar asks Oscar what he thought of the play and all he can think it to compliment the actress. Then he asks My Girlie Gladys what she thinks and she's like "murder suicide is not really my thing". John Adams pulls aside his former boy toy and is like "so I guess you found a new mark in that Miss Beaton" and Oscar is like "I actually like her!" and he said the same thing about Gladys so that argument falls flat. Anyway so Oscar is like "are you going to seal the deal with my former mark?" and John is like "no because I am GAY and unlike you I don't want to pimp myself out for convenience. Besides I got a new man now" while they are having this discussion the other Oscar and Aurora spot them and he's like "ohhh that looks like a fun pair to turn into a trio with!" and Aurora is like "is that a British saying? I've never heard it before?" and he's like "oh my god you are cute as a button and very naive!" just then Ken and Maude join them and Aurora is like "we have to discuss the Opera war now because its this seasons entire plot" and he's like "I'm English so I would of course choose the side of the older establishment since I am from the Old World"

sweet summer child

Quick pop over to the road between our two 61st street homes where the American Dreamer and Mousey Maid are catching up after her return from Newport and he asks her what Newport is like and she's like "it's so much fun! But the people who live there are a little crazy because they think mansions on the beach are called cottages" and he's like "are you here for the rest of the summer or are you going back?" and she's like "oh we are only here for the tea party that happened today and let me spill some tea! MISS TURNER IS NOW MRS. WINTERTON AND RICHER THAN HALF THE PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN!!!" and he's like "whaaaaat?! you mean the American Dream is a real thing?!"

Spinster Sister is doing that thing where you find literally any excuse to run into your crush so she's headed over to the church with her arms full of clothes...you're telling me there wasn't a bag or a box for her to put this stuff in? She couldn't have sent Jack to drop this off? Girl, I can smell the desperation, you aren't fooling me! And sure as shit she runs into The Reverend Mr. Boston and he's like "Hey thanks for giving me luncheon with a taste of the motherland! I miss Boston so much but I might be able to get over it if you accompany me to the art exhibition I was telling you about that is conveniently showcasing the art of your favorite watercolorist!" and Ada who usually has verbal diarrhea is speechless so he's like "Saturday at 4pm! See you there!" and bounces.

did she walk all the way to St. Thomas' carrying that bundle of clothes?

At the offices of The Globe, Pretty Peggy is still trying to convince the boss that she should get to go to the South with him but it turns out she was wasting breath because he already had her ticket paid for and printed and he's like "you better pack your summer clothes! It's hot down there"

Back on the cozy side of 61st Ada bursts into Marian's room and is like "I am a bad liar and my sister can be bitchy when she knows I am doing something that brings me joy, you are an incredible liar and you know how to pull the wool over my sister's eyes! Can you help me throw her off the scent of me going on a sort of date with the Reverend Mr. Boston?" and Marian is like "Get behind me Aunt Ada...you won't have to do a thing but follow me out the door!"

In Brooklyn, Peggy is rummaging through a trunk for the summer clothes that Mr. Fortune told her to pack when her mama walks in, she's like "isn't a little early in the year to already be switching to summer dress?" and Peggy is like "oh but I am going to Tuskegee for work!" and Mama is like "I'm sorry, what?" and Peggy is like "I am taking an assignment to interview Booker T. Washington and his students which is really important and groundbreaking journalism for Black Americans!" and Mama is like "YOU CANNOT GO TO THE SOUTH, THAT IS WHERE WHITE PEOPLE KILL US FOR SPORT!!!" and Peggy is like "If I don't go I will die from overanalyzing the death of my son!" and Mama can't argue with that so she's like "Just don't look any of them in the eye!!!"

I know you have trust issues with you Papa but girl, PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA!

In the library at Russell Manor, the Societal Alpinist thaws her voice a little bit because she wants a favor from Daddy and is like "So this Duke that my former lady's maid thinks is her bestie is coming in on a Cunard ship...you know them yea?" and he's like "I mean I know a few people who work there" and she's like "so can you get me introduced to this Duke?" and he's like "aren't you not talking to me?" and she's like "I need to get revenge for that little tramp stripping in front of my husband, and if you don't help me with this I will think you like her boobs better than mine" and he's like "aye aye, Capitan! I will get you introduce to this Duke because this is surely something I won't ever regret later."

like what more should she possibly need to know about this dude? (put a pin in that question, we will come back to it)

Unionman is debriefing the other journeymen about his trip to THE BIG CITY and he's like "the robber barons think we lack morals like they do, but I proved that we are all in this together and we just want our fair working conditions" and this guy that is basically a Wish.com Nick Offerman is like "so we need to strike if they don't give us what we demand!" and Unionman is like "more than that, we got to get dead over this!" and his wife stares at him because that man needs to realize he can't leave his wife to care for six children on a seamstress salary.

she's a stronger woman than me because that tea cup would've went straight to my husband's dome if he said this.

Spinster Sister takes her a step away from spinsterhood and is on a date for the first time in lord knows how long. The Reverend Mr. Boston also is taking this date very serious because he even got a nice haircut for it. So he's showing her all the paintings in the gallery and being her personal docent to the Mendzel exhibition and she's like "you are making this even more interesting with your knowledge!" and he's like "I studied hard for his date, I honestly thought your sister would forbid you from coming so I needed to distract myself. So she was cool with this?" and Ada deflects and is like "Oh look at this painting over here!" and we fade to black.

not looking very single to me at the moment.

That's it for this week! If you stuck around through the whole thing thanks for reading! Check back next week for the arrival of the aristocracy in New York!

As always, talk about your favorite S2E3 moments! or talk about anything really...S4 is coming but we still have a lot of time to kill.