u/troubledbarista

Hi!

I am an incoming grad student who loves to work out and really want to start using the UCLA gym. I know the quarter doesn’t start until late September but I am already in LA and was wondering a couple things.

where/when am I able to get my ID card? how much is it? can I take the bus with it?

when am I able to start using the gym as a student so that I don’t have to pay for a membership or day pass?

thanks so much in advance!

I [F28] met this friend [F24] at our old job in academia when we were both students. She’s genuinely sweet and I care about her a lot, which is why I feel guilty even feeling this way. Let’s call her Lila.

Lila doesn’t have a car and still lives at home with pretty strict parents. I honestly empathize because I’ve been in situations before where I had limited transportation too. I genuinely don’t mind driving sometimes or helping coordinate plans. The issue is that I feel like I’ve slowly become responsible for everything whenever we hang out.

Because she doesn’t have a car, her availability is very dependent on her parents driving her places, and she almost never wants to Uber because she thinks it’s too expensive. So our plans end up revolving around what is “worth it” for her parents’ drive time.

For example, last time we hung out we went to a restaurant we both like and my car got booted. I had to pay $100 to get it removed. What bothered me honestly wasn’t even just the money — it was that she didn’t offer to split it, didn’t acknowledge it much, and kind of acted like it didn’t happen even though we were there together and I was the one taking us there.

Then after all that, it was only noon and she casually told me her parents weren’t picking her up until 4 PM. So suddenly I was responsible for figuring out four more hours of plans.

I basically had to “un-busy” myself and improvise things for us to do so we weren’t awkwardly stranded somewhere. Eventually we ended up at my apartment even though I genuinely hate having people over because I live in a tiny studio and it stresses me out. But there were only so many options at that point because I was the one trying to solve the situation. She always invites herself to spend time at my apartment. I think i’ve had it pretty clear I do not like having people over because it’s such a small space.

So yesterday she was having a hard time and we wanted to meet up but I had dinner plans so I suggested getting coffee. She asked me to pick her up even though she works downtown and could have walked to the coffee shop I chose. I picked her up and drove us to find parking.

The coffee shop I suggested ended up not being sit down anymore, pick up only so I had to think of a different plan for us to do. Meanwhile she just follows my lead and doesn’t even get her phone out to find a plan B.

The suggestion she made was that we hang out at my apt until 4 pm when I had plans. We had to catch up so I suggested we hang out at my bfs apartment since it’s big and we can be in the living room.

Lila also annoyed me because I was already driving north in the city for food after our meet up, and then she suggested I drop her off south afterwards my boyfriends, which would’ve added a ton more driving for me. Meanwhile suggestions like “I can Uber from there” or “let’s meet halfway” almost never happen.

And this is the thing: I honestly don’t think this is about the car itself. Having a car doesn’t stop someone from opening Maps, helping think of a backup plan, suggesting another café nearby, or occasionally offering to Uber when the logistics become inconvenient for the other person too.

Part of me also notices that her boyfriend used to drive her everywhere, and I think she’s generally less independent than I am. But then I feel mean thinking that because everyone’s circumstances are different.

What frustrates me is that when I didn’t have a car, I still tried hard to plan ahead, use public transit/Ubers when needed, meet people halfway, and not make one person carry all the logistics and responsibility.

I want to tell her:

“I love spending time with you, but I can’t always be the one planning everything, driving everywhere, adjusting my schedule, paying for problems when things go wrong, and solving every logistical issue because it’s exhausting.”

But I’m worried I sound insensitive toward someone whose situation is already difficult.

AITA?