I have a question about how often people water in the Phoenix area?
My trees and garden have burnt to a crisp this summer, even as I had shades up. I’m not sure if it’s the amount of water or the time of day I’m watering or if the air just too dang dry.
I see so many big planters in front of stores and somehow their plants are alive so I must be doing something wrong. Any advice?
I really can’t keep this in anymore and I need others to help me understand. Context gay male here.
A friend had told me that he had a new coworker and he wasn’t sure if this person was gay or straight. Of course, my mind is like, “omg here we go, another guy I have to meet and kindly reject as my friends/family/the world is terrible at setting me up.” I entertained the idea and said “oh ok that would be interesting meeting a new person but he’s probably not gay.” In my mind, I was also thinking, “we’ll probably never meet, he’s new in town and they aren’t really close friends.” So I kinda forgot about it.
My friend invites me to his birthday party. He didn’t tell me anything about who was coming but that wasn’t much of a surprise as he usually has family and friends at any event. No big deal. I get there before him and wait in my car until I get the reply text saying “I’m here!” I get the text, get out the car, see my friends and we begin walking towards the restaurant and chatting about nothing. I love making my friends laugh so I’m sure I’m going hard in on the jokes. As we approach I see a man standing outside the entrance. He was extremely good looking, I mean my eyes popped out of my head and I thought, “that is a gorgeous man, I would bit my arm out to be with him.” I literally can’t keep my eyes off of him and the entire walk up, I’m just staring.
We get to the sidewalk and he turns to us and I hear him call my friends name. I’m thinking, “omg I just planned our full future together in the 30 seconds it took to get here and you know him!” I didn’t know who he was so I’m standing there waiting for an introduction and he says this my friend (insert my name) and this is my coworker that I had told you about. I was shocked!!! Looking back, I’m thinking what a great friend this is, I mean no one has found a better match for me like ever. So we go inside and ask for our table but unfortunately there was a wait so we were just standing there chatting. A few more friends come in and I begin talking to them while also being mind blown but I’m not getting my gaydar alert so I don’t think he is. We finally sit down, have dinner, then cake and order more drinks. I ended up paying for one of his beers because I was paying my friends bill anyhow. Then my friend says, “do you wanna go downtown?” I’m always in for a fun time so I say yes. His coworker also says yes.
We make it to a little bar somewhere downtown, we’re hanging but I don’t wanna stay too long because I have to drive to another city that I live in. His coworker says, “oh but stay I owe you a drink!”
I kid you not, the sparkle in his eyes just melted me. And for a moment my gay senses are alerted. “Is he gay? He seems to be giving a caring look that feels like he’s interested. I want to kiss him, I should!” I get a beer, we chat and honestly I’m too nervous so I have to leave. At this point it is kinda late and my friend wants to leave too so we walk back to our cars together, leaving all the friends there and the coworker. We walk past the outside patio and wave to everyone. No kiss:(
A few weeks later I’m invited to another get together with my friend, the coworker is there. (Side thought, I need to give him a name since this is so long and confusing. Let’s say my friends name is Jake and the coworker is called Bill.) so Jake asks me to meet at the casino and we’re doing something for another friends birthday. I arrive and learn that Bill is there. I’m so happy, I love being around him again. It just feels good. We end the night at the casino, no one wins anything lol. Bill asks if we want to come to his house since it’s very close by. Jake says yes, I say yes and we head over. When we get there Bill asks if I want a beer, I say yes. He gives me one and I look at it and realize it’s an alcohol free beer but I say nothing lol. We chat, I’m nervous, I leave. Normal night, nothing happens.
Fast forward to a holiday party my friends Jake is having at his mother’s house and he invites me. I arrive in costume. I’m eating while Bill arrives too. I look up and I’m happy to see him but also so many things are going through my mind like “wtf am I doing? Am I crazy, do you think this is just friendly behavior and you’re kinda thinking it’s going to be more?” I finish eating and go out front to get some air, I’m too in my head and I’m not liking how I’m feeling. This time, it’s so far from my home that I can’t just leave early or I could but it’s a long drive for a short visit.
Bill comes out and says, “there you are, I was looking for you. We’re singing karaoke, you should come sing for me.” I say some off the cuff thing like, “oh you wouldn’t want to hear me sing” he says, “yeah come try” I agree and I as we walk inside, he puts his hand on the small of my back to lead me in. Now, I’m feeling like I actually have an answer. I really should have kissed him that first night.
A little later I find myself out front again, my mind is still racing but for other reasons now. Self doubt and insecurity really are some garbage feelings lol. Bill comes out to talk to me, we make small chat and I feel him lightly grab my bicep and I can feel him squeeze. Now he is fairly fit, I mean probably not perfect you know, but like you can see muscles. I, on the other hand, am 5’10” 220lbs at this point. I stopped going to the gym since Covid and I had been taking a sleep medication the prior year that made me gain more than 50lbs. So I feel gross, like I’m not in my normal body and I just feel like I’m the f word. I don’t think I can say it on here. So needless to say I don’t make a move, also I driving someone home so this is not the time to be doing this. But hey, I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. Also I think to myself, let’s just get to know each other a little more because this isn’t something that’s just gonna be a one time thing and I don’t want to f$&@ it up. We end the night, I’m on cloud 9 and I go home.
I’m in love lol but I need to lose weight and get in shape. I’m thinking it’ll take a few months then I’ll be back to normal and we will have gotten to know each other better and then, idk, we get married. Hahahahahaha!!!
Jake invites me to one more outing, I can’t even remember what it was but everyone gonna be there and it’ll be a fun night. So I think. Bill shows up and says I have some news, I’m moving out of state for a new job. I say, “what! You moving where? Why?” Not as dramatic, I actually have a very calm demeanor but I did ask all the questions. I say to myself, “well there that goes, I must have been miss reading everything and I’ve officially lost my mind!” What was I thinking! This was too early to feel anything, we had only met in person like 4-5 times at max. I was fooling myself. I mean, we haven’t even exchanged numbers or social media accounts.
So he moves and I don’t say anything. I didn’t even see him off. Well it’s summer now and I’m explaining all of this to a friend that has come to town and she says, “you definitely need to text him. This sounds like more than nothing. I think something is there.” I say “really?!? What would I even say?” So I ask Jake for his number but I ask that he ask him if it’s ok first. A week later I ask Jake again and he says, “oh, I forgot but here it is. I’m sure he won’t care. He’s always busy so it takes him time to reply. He just got married so I’m sure he’s doing something.”
My jaw drops, I say “married? He just left here, who did he marry?” Jake says, “someone he went to college with, her name is Jessica.”
He married Jessica, a woman… how? Now I’m back to square one, did I make this all up? If this is gaslighting then I’m really good at it because I’ve convinced myself that it was all very real.
My friend from out of town begins to tell me that there must be something I’m missing. After two week of having his phone number and convincing myself that I’d never use it… I’m mean I didn’t even save it, it was just sitting in Jake’s text messages. I decided or was persuaded to send a message to him. “Hey this is BLANK, I heard you got married and wanted to say congratulations!”
He replies back, “Blank!!! What a happy surprise to hear from you. Yeah I got married a few months ago. She doesn’t live here yet but we’re figuring it all out. How have you been?”
At this point, I’m very confused but I say to myself that maybe there is an arrangement that I don’t understand. Bisexual maybe? Marriage of convenience? What could it be?
We text back and forth for a day or two. I tell him that I’m on a trip and celebrating the holiday at the beach. No response. I kinda think I need to read between the lines and stop texting him so I don’t. I’m on the beach later that night and drinking so I send a picture of the beach. I get a text back, “how beautiful.”
I feel icky now, I think I have my answer. I think he’s feeling just as icky. It’s time to move on, with pain in my heart, blocked and deleted.