My trans daughter all of a sudden “wants to be” nonbinary because she thinks it’s easier. How can I help navigate this?
My daughter (A) is 8 and has identified as female since before her third birthday. It is important to disclose that she also has ADHD and Autism, which are contributing factors to her social anxiety. Her father went crazy when he found out that I was supporting her choice to wear “girl clothes” and we ended up getting a restraining order against him, so needless to say the transition has been rough for her. A is stealth, the only people in our current life who know she is trans are family and a few very close friends of mine, none of A’s friends know and she absolutely refuses to allow anyone else to know. It’s actually quite distressing at times for her.
A few weeks ago my sister’s child (12) (what do you call your niece who is now nonbinary?) came out as nonbinary and we have all been adjusting to they/them pronouns. They went to a pride event with us and wore their nonbinary flag pin and my daughter was in awe. To be clear A has always been enamored by her older cousin and copies a lot of what they do. Tonight A told me that she “wants “ to be nonbinary because she feels that people are more likely to accept that over her being transgender. I explained that being nonbinary is not something you choose, it’s who you are, just like a transgender person. She then said “I am NOT transgender anymore mom, I am nonbinary and I want to tell my friends and I want you to buy me a nonbinary pin, like cousin.” I know she is doing this for two reasons, one to be like her cousin and two because cousin makes it look so easy to be out and proud. A is always terrified she will be outed mistakenly so this feels like a fix to her problem. She is not nonbinary, I know that deep within my soul.
What do I do? When she sets her mind on something she is unable to see any other perspective and will consider anything I say as judgmental or unsupportive. But I cannot let her make this decision like that. Her birthday party is tomorrow and she wants to tell people, thankfully only family members are coming.