r/cisparenttranskid

Hi there - I have a trans son who has still been using his birth name through high school after coming out slowly from 9th-11th grade, despite it being fairly traditionally feminine. I've been curious about this for a while, since pretty much every other trans peer changed theirs immediately, and he didn't seem super rushed to. But he has ADHD, and wasn't ready to be out to everyone with a grand announcement and name up front, and I think the task of changing it has just been a bit too overwhelming / hasn't bothered him *enough* to really solve to this point.

At any rate, he is graduating, heading off to college, and the time has come for the new name.

His dad and I are supportive. The new name is not something we'd have picked ourselves, but whatever - this is really his creative identity-building journey. It's not for us to say. What bothers me is the use of the term "dead name" because in my optimistic view, transition describes moving from one thing to another. You don't have to kill the old. You can just move on to the new. I'm finding myself super triggered by the implication that the old is "dead." I wish the community just used "birth name" instead... Why not? Does that resonate with anyone? How did you move through it?

Today, it came up because I was making a social connection, and he said -- "please don't introduce me to so-and-so, I don't want them knowing my dead name." (I was going to share his Instagram, which is still his old name - he hasn't set anything up with the new one yet.)

Would love to hear some optimistic stories about this particular aspect of transition. I know my attitude is tinged a little with grief, but I also just tend to over-personalize things like this, and am definitely already reminding myself it's just a term like any other, and I also don't have to make it mean more than it does.... Open to some education, but please don't soap box me for this one. I mean well.

Hello! My 14 year old (AMAB) came out to me as trans yesterday 🩷🤍💙. She stated she would like to start using she/her pronouns but didn't have a new name picked out. To dip our toes in the water and show my support, we went to Target afterwards to pick out some new hygiene items. While there I asked her to try on a couple of clothing items so we could have a reference point. She's expressed she doesn't want to do in-person shopping and would like to shop online if possible. She agreed to try on a couple things after I explained how women's and men's sizes were very different lol. So now that I have an idea on sizing, does anyone have any recommendations for online shopping that won't break the bank? I want her to be able to explore her identity and find what makes her comfortable (she has historically low self-esteem) but in this economy, we gotta be money savvy, right? 😂 Also, she's over 6 feet tall and growing quickly, so we need to take that into account when shopping. (and also I know it's only been one day but puberty seems like it gets more and more intense every day so I'm wondering if I should make a PCP appointment 😬) Anyway, any and all advice welcome. Thanks for reading!

TL; DR - my wife supports our trans child, but now that I've come out, doesn't want me to transition.

After decades of repression, transference, and denial I spent the last few years engaged in introspection that was a lot like camping (in tents... intense... Lol). All to say that I've finally been able to acknowledge to myself and accept that I'm transgender. I'm 47, MtF.

I came out to my wife a couple weeks ago. Didn't go as well as I'd hoped (was hoping for an "I knew it! I'm so happy you've found your way!" but knew that was unlikely), but not as bad as it could have. She doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't want me to change.

I'm a bit taken aback because we have a trans child. He came out to us 5 years ago, which was a catalyst for my own gender realization. We moved across the country to live in a more welcoming community with more gender-affirming resources, he socially transitioned, and just over a week ago he had his first injection of testosterone. She's been a huge advocate, attending family support group meetings and protests and reading tons of books on gender and memoirs of trans folks. About a year ago, after reading "Love Lives Here" by Rowan Jette Knox, she even said to me that if I were trans, she'd still want to be married to me. She also thinks she's likely bisexual, though she hasn't ever had a relationship with a woman, but she does find women attractive.

I'm not out to anyone aside from her, and some friends in a trans group work chat, which is how it has to stay for the foreseeable future. For a variety of reasons, I can't take steps to transition for at least 2 years. But I'm excited just to be at a place where I can finally accept who I truly am. Once the two years are up, I definitely want to pursue HRT, but my wife gets so sad, anxious, and panicked at the thought of me transitioning that we can't even have a sustained conversation. She doesn't ask me much about my experience or how I came to this realization, but just focuses on all the aspects and mannerisms of the masculine presentation of me that she doesn't want to lose.

Some of it is my fault, since when I came out to her I told her, truthfully, how I didn't have intense dysphoria as a child and didn't think I would need to transition, that I've been so happy with our life as it has been. But I couldn't have known the effect on my mindset of simply accepting myself as a trans woman and saying it out loud to the love of my life and best friend. It's like a shot of nitrous oxide into my mind. My dysphoria is growing rapidly and all I can think about is starting HRT as soon as circumstances allow. I know I need to talk to her about this sudden change in my desire to transition, but I dread how it will hurt her. I just wish she could be a little bit happy for me. She said the other day that she has a wife response, which is scared of losing her romantic attraction if I transition, and her best friend response, which she hasn't shared with me. I feel like she could get to an accepting place and our marriage could thrive, but I don't know how to help her get there. Maybe it's just too soon?

Hey, everyone! I'm 34 and am the mom of an amazing (almost) 13 year old non-gender confirming/non-binary kiddo (he/him, they/them).

Since my kid came out about a year ago, our family support system has shrunk down significantly. My husband, kid, and I are all different flavors of neurodivergent with some mental illness sprinkled throughout. We're not the greatest at getting out in the community and meeting peoplem... Not because we don't want to meet new people, just because it's hard to get out of the house sometimes, lol.

I'd really like to grow my village, especially with summer break coming up. I don't want my family to isolate the summer away.

Are there other moms out there looking for a new friend and/or have a kiddo between 11-14ish who might be interested in a new buddy?

I like to: laugh (comedy shows, comedy movies, funny podcasts, etc), have a coffee/walk dates, hike, paddle board, garden, get crafty

My kiddo enjoys: drawing anime art (sketch books or digital art), screaming their lungs out to their favorite music, learning new tricks on the parallel bars at park playgrounds, checking out the shops along Hawthorne and Division (that applies to me as well!)

My father is more "accepting" than my mother is, but still against my views. I really care about the relationship with my family and I don't want it to fall apart during and after my transitioning. They're very religious and big republicans, but most of their transphobia comes from what they see on the media and what not)

(They I think I'm pretty smart since I really think everything out and study intensely, but regardless of what I say to my parents, they still don't trust me even though they trust me with literally every other topics, such as politics-even though we're not in the same party. I really wanna find people/groups that have or are going through the same thing and maybe get some advice of how to help my family in any way possible.

(I'm sorry if this is a bit messy and can be hard to understand. I currently have a migraine and just can't think too well atm)

Parents that were formerly transphobic: what made you change? When did you stop being transphobic?

Has your bond been mended between you and your child, or is it still permanently damaged?

**UPDATE** Daughter's current boss may have sensed a disturbance in the attrition force...my daughter has been given a raise of $1/hr at her current and is being soft promoted to Team Leader to transition later this year.

We live in regional US. It's hard to be trans anywhere, but in a 'red' part of the country, well...I'm sure you other parents of trans children know what I mean.

My daughter had an interview last week for an entry-level position in the company for which I work. It was a panel of five people, all asking their questions (of course), but three of them addressed her as 'sir' and when needing to use a personal pronoun, they used 'he/him'. The other two didn't use any honorific nor personal pronoun.

She didn't get the job, and although people with far less education than she has have been in this role, she could be currently against candidates who have more aligned experience. As with any rejection email, it didn't state why she'd been unsuccessful.

But.

I am ANGRY.

So angry.

Why?

They misgendered her in the interview several times, making her feel not only uncomfortable but realising she was not going to get the job no matter how she did in the interview.

She applied using her preferred name, which was on her application and her resume and her cover letter. The email confirming the interview had her preferred name. They actually had no idea she is trans.

Yet they used the wrong pronouns and honorific title.

I'm sitting in my office and don't know what to do with my anger right now.

Help. My 18 year old daughter has been out for almost 2 years. HRT for one year. She asks me if she’s pretty. If she passes. And if her voice passes. Honestly, she likely doesn’t not pass in the way she imagines. But as a mother how to I protect her ego and self esteem, be loving , but how to keep her safe. I’m afraid she will be overly confident and then get extremely distraught when people misgender her. Or worse if she puts herself into an unsafe situation from overconfidence. Trying my best but making mistakes and hurting my sweet girl. Thank you.

How are you feeling with the news of Juniper Blessing’s murder?

So my daughter (15) came out to us a couple of months ago. She's picked a name, got a whole new sense of style and is so, so happy and confident. The other day she took a picture with me and she's refused to be in pictures for like 5 years. (Like she nearly didn't go to her dad's wedding cos there was a photographer). I'm so happy for her.

But I'm also just like full of anxiety. I live in the UK where gender affirming care, especially for kids, is nearly impossible to get on the NHS. We can't afford to go private. Luckily, puberty was late for her, but it is happening and I don't know how that will affect her. Currently she has a few friends who know and accept her (she's never been overly social and actually has more friends now than ever) but is probably going to college soon with a whole load of new people and I worry how they'll react to her.

Her dad's side of the family are all at least a little transphobic. She's not out to them atm but will they love her still?

I'm just so worried all the time for her future. I see all the statistics of young trans victims of hate crime or suicide and I want to cry for my baby girl.

I just wanna make sure I'm doing everything right for her so if anyone has any advice or anything at all I'd be so grateful.

Mom found my binder:

My mom had to hang up something in my closet. I tried to make her hang it up elsewhere, but my closet was the only one with space since I refuse to wear dresses (for good reason). I had just washed it yesterday, so it was hanging it in my closet. Luckily, my mom has no knowledge of a transmasc’s needs, so she asked if that was the sports bra she had bought me a while ago, (which I used to use as binding at the time). I had to play along, “Yeah! Yeah, that’s it.” She asked if she should bye more, but I simply refused and kicked her out my room, so I could hide the binder. That was a close one. Mom doesn’t support, dad doesn’t care. Any suggestions on how to avoid this at all cost?

Thinking about the case of Juniper Blessing, and how her parents deadnamed and degendered her. How do I explain to my parents that if I die, to address me as a woman? I know they constantly dengender me and deadname me to the point where I just gave up. But I don't want to die like that.

I wrote this very long post but then decided not to bore everyone to death. 😂 So, a semi long post. No. Ok. It’s a long post now!

Basically, I am a cis straight woman who grew up with lots of gay friends and thought of being trans similarly in the sense that I was a strong and vocal advocate for gay rights and now trans rights.

My daughter, who is now a young adult, transitioned as a mid teenager. And she is not at all interested in identity or activism or deconstructing the gender binary or anything like that. She doesn’t even like Pride. She doesn’t seek out trans friends.

She’s not Blair White or a Republican or anything. She’s very liberal. And she would never label herself a transmedicalist. But honestly that’s how she lives her life. Like being trans was a medical problem she has largely fixed.

She got mad at me a few months ago because she said I made everything about being trans with her. And I realized she was right. I think there were a few reasons for this, including all the bad things on the news, but also because I was not just seeing her as my daughter. I was always seeing her as my trans daughter. And I think she picked up on that because I would want to discuss things that were happening or if I saw something funny from a trans comic or just things like that.

But I realized it’s been 4 years and she lives her life as the woman she is. And what she wanted and what I wanted for her happened. She isn’t misgendered. Being trans isn’t the main thing in her life. And that is good because that’s what she wanted and I need to just see her as my daughter.

But I admit that’s hard when I know she is trans and I know how much our government wants to take away this happiness she has and that so many people are not as lucky as she was.

I don’t feel like being trans is bad. And my gay (guy) best friend ALWAYS talks about being gay. So to me these conversations felt normal. But I realized that it’s not the same. My BFF likes being gay. My daughter doesn’t like being trans. (She is also gay and that doesn’t upset her.)

But then all these messages from the trans “community” that this is somehow bad. That she should have pride about being trans. But she was suffering and that’s why we supported her transition. I don’t know. I’m just feeling confused. I resolved to not talk about it with her as much as possible but the mixed messages are confusing when I was trying to do everything “right.”

Hi! We are travelling as a family twice this year and my child (15) is wanting to transition into a female from a male, and we are fully supportive of this.

She won’t look like her passport photo though, as her hair will be longer. I’m mainly worried about passport control as they’re very strict. She said she will travel on her male name etc until she ‘looks more like a girl’ (her words) and we change her passport photo and maybe even the name?! I’m so clueless, I just want to make her feel as comfortable as possible.

Does anyone have any advice for this? This has all happened fairly recently and we haven’t time to change the photo as we travel for the first time in 3 weeks.

Would it be worth getting a letter from the gp explaining? I worry about overseas more than here.

Thank you.

Hello everyone ! 37F mom to 12FTM son. He came out as trans a little under a year ago. First to his close friends, then to me, a coach at one of his activities, a friends parent (who is also my friend) and then his uncles on dads side and dad (38M)- we are divorced.

I’ve always been outspoken about LGBTQ rights, done volunteer work, etc. very supportive when he came out, and a couple months later when he came out to Dad, he was supportive and has been using correct pronouns, etc.

My son has in the past discussed wanting top surgery and getting on “man medicine” as he lovingly calls testosterone, but it was always a “someday this will happen” kind of discussion. More recently, he has stated he would like to start meds “sooner” and I said ok cool let’s get you into a gender clinic and look into all the things. I let him know ahead of time he’ll have to do a lot before they’ll prescribe anything, including therapy, etc. they won’t just give you meds. He seemed annoyed (went to therapy for unrelated issues recently but found it “boring” and didn’t want to continue) but willing to do that when the time comes

I live in a purple state, currently safe for LGBTQ folks, and a reasonable distance to a large city/the nearest children’s gender clinic. I sent an email to them asking for info, to which they are having me fill out a bunch of stuff. At the time of sending said email, I reached out to Dad to let him know our son wants this, and I’m going to look into this clinic to start the process. Let him know they have all sorts of resources available and wanted to get started, knowing that it was going to be a journey. I was met with pushback, first with “not telling him” that I was doing it (literally texted him immediately after I sent an email to the clinic looking for information) and making decisions without him.

I always saw him as an ally (albeit less active in the community, but very vocal on social media against MAGA, voting, etc) so I was a bit surprised about the pushback. I reassured him that we knew that it was going to take a lot of time, and they weren’t going to just give son meds walking in the door. He said “I thought we were going to have them do therapy first” and I said that’s all part of the clinic. then he stated he wanted to look into the clinic first (it’s run by the one of the largest healthcare systems in the city) so I sent him the link.

That was about 2 weeks ago. I checked in once about a week after texting him the link asking if he had a chance to look at it and he said “not yet”.

My gut feeling is that he’s scared to take any action on the subject. I understand his fear comes from a place of love and protection - he’s been so vocal about being scared for Son since coming out, given the current state of the world. But I don’t know how to make him understand how important gender care is for non Cis folks. I can’t make him look into it, or want to research. But how long should I wait before continuing on with the clinic ? (We share custody of all our kids 50/50 and have equal responsibility for healthcare, etc)

I guess I’m just looking for input. Should I keep waiting? What can I do to make him feel more at ease ? Is that possible if he’s not willing to even look at the website ?

So I (21F) am a single mother to my child (3AFAB who we'll call T) and I generally have tried to raise them to feel comfortable in their body and to always express their wants/needs/feelings and I gave them a gender neutral name because I felt that was the least likely kind of name to induce dysphoria (but I do use feminine pronouns and language in reference to them though I might go back to neutral pronouns and language with this new development). I've asked T a few times "Are you a boy, a girl or a kid?" and I used to always get a confused-sounding answer like they couldn't quite grasp the concept (which is fair) but since starting daycare two months ago it seems they are actually beginning to understand the difference. Shortly before going into daycare, T told me in a fairly confident way that they are a girl but today their teacher separated the class into genders and T just stood in between the groups. I think I remember the teacher saying she asked them to go with the girls but I know she said T told her that "I boy" so while we're getting ready for bed I asked them "Are you a boy or a girl?" and they said they are a boy. I don't really know what this means but I hope someone here can help me to navigate this. I would really like to understand what is going on with my baby so I can be the best and most supportive mother I can be. If it means anything, when people assume T is a boy in public which happens often for some reason especially when I mention their name, I don't normally correct them because it doesn't matter too much to me since it's a mistake and I feel that it's T's place to state the falseness of the assumption on their identity but I do fall into the feminine pronouns and language when it happens to come up naturally

I know this post is really long-winded and I'm sorry for the word barfing. I just would like some opinions from people in the community who have actual experience in what my child might be experiencing. Please help if you can

Edit: A few people have brought to my attention that I'm making some mistakes and being "too woke". Please do not come at me for this. I am not rage baiting and I acknowledge I'm not perfect which I never claimed to be. I am just ignorant and doing my best to work through it to hopefully provide security for my child. I came here for advice so please tell me "You're messing up. Stop it" instead of attacking me please

Hello. I am a married straight male 28 (cis?) and my little brother lives with me. He's going through a rough time and lived with my abusive mother for a lot longer than I did. I joined the military and got discharged last year. Since jan this year he's been living with me. I love him to death and we play LOL all the time. He and I have a TTRPG group and he likes to play as female characters. I don't mind if he enjoys girls, boys, or anything in between. I encourage him constantly to open up whenever he's ready and all he's told me is that he's unsure about his sexual orientation and that he thinks he likes girls. Recently, he's purchased what he described is estrogen and I'm concerned for his health and future development.

He's 23, a virgin, and hates leaving the house for pretty much any reason. I may be overreaching but I feel that his decision is a bit drastic. I want to support him fully but I'm worried he may regret this later in life. I had no idea I liked museums or would ever get married until recently. Lastly, I was a 68W (medic) and I do not like the idea of him using medicine without a provider's input. I'm a bit undereducated in any current gender studies and I have no idea how to navigate his possible transition. I know it's his choice but I want him to be happy for the rest of his life and I'm nervous he's possibly going in the wrong direction.

Please let me know your thoughts and insight so I can better educate myself. Thank you in advanced and let me know if I'm just a over protective brother.

Hi there. I'm looking for some insight and experience from other parents and trans kids about how to best support my child. He is 13 and has lived his life as a boy since birth. We're a family of five, three boys, me (mum) and a stepdad - bio dad is minimally involved. Our general family ideology has always emphasized love and acceptance, and open conversation about gender/sexuality, etc.

He has always been an anxious kid and I've provided supports like counselling and medication whenever he's needed it/been willing to lean on it. For the past couple of years he's struggled with school refusal and has been very isolated, staying at home 99% of the time, with our family. He just received an ASD diagnosis, and I'm looking into support for that as well. Generally he seems happy and content - besides the no-school, no-friends thing - honestly if I wasn't filtering everything through the lense of a worried mum, I'd probably just think of him as the kind of person who just prefers their own company.

The other night while I was watching TV, he came down from his room and asked me to turn off my show. He said "I'm going to say something and I don't want to talk about it any more than this", and I said OK. I could tell this was important, and he looked a little pale and nervous. He said "I'm trans". I said "thank you for telling me that, we can talk more about it when you're ready". I offered him a hug (he declined), and so I told him I love him, and he went back upstairs.

This was a few days ago. Since then, I once went to his room and asked if I could ask a couple of follow up questions, and he shrugged. I asked if he wanted me to make any changes to the way I talk about/name him, or if there was anything he wanted to be different right now, and he said no (which is why I'm using he/him pronouns in this post).

Everything around here is still "normal" (our normal: him not going to school), but I'm just trying to figure out if it's best to just let this unfold at his pace (probably, right?), or if there's some sort of immediate response that would help him best here? I was hoping maybe someone here could speak to this sort of moment - I think I probably would have assumed that disclosing being trans might be a moment of inflection - changing pronouns/name/presentation, or something..?

I appreciate any insight or just shared experience right now. I just want to make sure I'm doing my best for him.

I currently live with my mother and my older middle sibling, T (25FTM), who is also a trans man. Yet, T has not physically transitioned and presents as feminine still with long hair. Meanwhile, for years I have presented as masculine and have, in more recent years, come out as trans to my family and beyond. I think that me being more physically “trans” than my middle sibling makes my mom prefer them over me. She has always told me she wished to have daughters when she was a kid, and while T still presents that image, I don’t.

Not just that, but my mother is blatantly more affectionate with T. When he gets home, my mom calls him sweet names and asks about his day, and how he is. But never does the same with me. I have my one-year anniversary with my girlfriend coming up, I finished my first year of my MSW program with straight A’s and glowing reviews from professors/field advisors, yet, my mother never shows interest in any of my achievements.

When T recently got a job after being unemployed for months, my mom, understandably, was very proud and celebrated the accomplishment. Yet, none of my accomplishments are celebrated by her unless I ask for it. I have started taking testosterone and while my mom knew I was considering it, she doesn’t know I started yet. I feel like I shouldn’t even bother including her in my milestones that make me proud since she doesn’t seem to care. I sadly am unable to move out at the moment since it makes more sense economically to remain here, yet, it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health.

I just wish my family, especially my mother, could just treat me better. Not like the “easy child” she always put on autopilot, but as an equal who does appreciate receiving affection and basic love from his mother. Sometimes, I feel like me coming out as trans has only worsened her resentment towards me for not being “the perfect daughter.”