Confused by my wife's reaction
TL; DR - my wife supports our trans child, but now that I've come out, doesn't want me to transition.
After decades of repression, transference, and denial I spent the last few years engaged in introspection that was a lot like camping (in tents... intense... Lol). All to say that I've finally been able to acknowledge to myself and accept that I'm transgender. I'm 47, MtF.
I came out to my wife a couple weeks ago. Didn't go as well as I'd hoped (was hoping for an "I knew it! I'm so happy you've found your way!" but knew that was unlikely), but not as bad as it could have. She doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't want me to change.
I'm a bit taken aback because we have a trans child. He came out to us 5 years ago, which was a catalyst for my own gender realization. We moved across the country to live in a more welcoming community with more gender-affirming resources, he socially transitioned, and just over a week ago he had his first injection of testosterone. She's been a huge advocate, attending family support group meetings and protests and reading tons of books on gender and memoirs of trans folks. About a year ago, after reading "Love Lives Here" by Rowan Jette Knox, she even said to me that if I were trans, she'd still want to be married to me. She also thinks she's likely bisexual, though she hasn't ever had a relationship with a woman, but she does find women attractive.
I'm not out to anyone aside from her, and some friends in a trans group work chat, which is how it has to stay for the foreseeable future. For a variety of reasons, I can't take steps to transition for at least 2 years. But I'm excited just to be at a place where I can finally accept who I truly am. Once the two years are up, I definitely want to pursue HRT, but my wife gets so sad, anxious, and panicked at the thought of me transitioning that we can't even have a sustained conversation. She doesn't ask me much about my experience or how I came to this realization, but just focuses on all the aspects and mannerisms of the masculine presentation of me that she doesn't want to lose.
Some of it is my fault, since when I came out to her I told her, truthfully, how I didn't have intense dysphoria as a child and didn't think I would need to transition, that I've been so happy with our life as it has been. But I couldn't have known the effect on my mindset of simply accepting myself as a trans woman and saying it out loud to the love of my life and best friend. It's like a shot of nitrous oxide into my mind. My dysphoria is growing rapidly and all I can think about is starting HRT as soon as circumstances allow. I know I need to talk to her about this sudden change in my desire to transition, but I dread how it will hurt her. I just wish she could be a little bit happy for me. She said the other day that she has a wife response, which is scared of losing her romantic attraction if I transition, and her best friend response, which she hasn't shared with me. I feel like she could get to an accepting place and our marriage could thrive, but I don't know how to help her get there. Maybe it's just too soon?