u/uiviv

When I look at my cousins, they always seem to have the kind of life I secretly wished for. They can buy new clothes for every occasion without overthinking. They eat outside whenever they want, buy snacks without calculating money in their heads, and live in well-furnished homes with AC in their rooms while I still have to adjust my life around what we can or cannot afford.

They study without constantly worrying about fees, loans, or whether their parents can manage expenses this year. And the worst part is that we were born into the same family, yet life feels completely different for us just because their parents have stable jobs.

I live in a village because my papa depends on agriculture and has no fixed job. I’m not saying village life is miserable — honestly, it can be beautiful and peaceful when survival is not constantly sitting in the back of your mind. But poverty steals the joy from everything. Even small happiness comes with guilt attached to it.

People keep saying, “Study hard, crack a government exam, secure your future, get married without dowry problems,” but sometimes I feel suffocated hearing that again and again. My dreams are different too. I love dressing up, imagining outfits, styling myself, travelling, celebrating little things, and living freely without feeling guilty for existing. But instead, life makes me feel like I have to become a machine that only studies, earns, sacrifices, and survives.

I have two siblings, and sometimes the pressure feels unbearable because I know if I fail, they will suffer too. My parents look at me with hope, like I’m the person who will change everything financially. And I understand why. But sometimes I wonder who will think about what I want from life. I want to enjoy my youth too. I want memories, not just responsibilities.

I want to eat street food without mentally calculating whether the money could be used for something more important. I want to celebrate my birthday with a cake, decorations, gifts, and people making me feel special for one day without someone reminding us about expenses. I don’t want to be treated like the “gareeb cousin” whose life everyone silently pities.

Sometimes I feel jealous, sometimes embarrassed, and sometimes just tired. Tired of always understanding the situation, always adjusting, always compromising, always acting mature. I don’t want to spend my entire youth only surviving while watching other people actually live.

I know I will work hard. I know I’ll somehow figure things out. But lately I feel lost, emotionally exhausted, and scared that life will pass before I ever get the chance to enjoy it the way I wanted.

I just needed to vent because keeping all of this inside hurts.

(Yes I'm seeking attention from this post atleast i deserve to be heard)