my husband passed away suddenly
I am coming out of the shock of losing my healthy 30-something husband suddenly a few months ago. The last time I saw him was actually at a doctor’s appointment which is just another painful layer on this entire situation. I am seeking some advice / what would you do?
I had never had a deep desire to be a parent prior to meeting my husband, who was an incredible person, but obviously changed my mind and got off the fence. We froze embryos years ago in our early 30s which we have not used/transferred (2 euploids that I am free to use or destroy or donate in the event of his passing). We stopped birth control in Jan 2025 and returned to the clinic last fall to start trying IUI before moving to our embryos. In early 2026 we learned that our clinic had found a hydrosalpinx in one tube in 2023 and never disclosed it, instead labeling us as ‘unexplained’. We were already switching to a different clinic for a plethora of other reasons and did so after this disclosure, which wasted so much precious time (and obviously neither of us knew the permanence of their incompetence). We really like our new doctor and decided to bank more embryos before removing the affected tube, we then had two failed retrievals this year (MDL followed by antagonist, my follicles got too big too quickly on MDL and weren’t mature at retrieval and I ovulated right before surgery for #2- have had success w MDL in the past).
I have four more rounds covered by insurance for this year, but given my current mental state, depression and intense grief am unsure I even want to have kids at this point. While I have the resources etc. I am also aware that being a single mother will be an entirely different experience than the one we had planned. Additionally, I have DOR and retrieve btw 3-4 eggs each round (minus the two were nothing was retrieved). I am obviously deeply depressed right now and not making any major decisions about doing an FET or anything for at least another year if not more.
I will be 38 this year and am worried that I am going to be 40 or 42 and regret not freezing more eggs or embryos if I decide to use the two we have and the transfers fail. Or maybe I will decide after this fog lifts that I never want to be a mother. My husband’s family, including his identical twin, are in support of whatever I want to do. His 20-something cousin is the product of IVF, using a donor egg from her Mom’s sister after many years of her parents’ own IVF failures and disappointment, so this isn’t ‘weird’ to my in-laws. Additionally, if I want to freeze embryos instead of eggs his twin is also in support of being the donor (while I love and trust my BIL this is not something I think I want to pursue right now since neither of us are thinking straight of course- since they are identical any child would still be biologically/genetically 100% my husbands which is kind of a mind fck right now).
I am meeting with our fertility doctor this week and kind of want to have some sort of game plan for next steps. Could be removing my tube, banking eggs / embryos, or just doing nothing. Has anyone done this alone after their spouse passed? Because of my age and DOR it truly feels like I need to make a decision on at least banking immediately.