missed opportunities
this is lowk a bit of a vent post (nothing too heavy, just reminiscing/being a bit emo lol)
i grew up doing very casual ballet classes for a fair number of years, i think from when i was about 4, until i was 13 almost 14. im ftm and didn't realize i was trans until that last year i took regular ballet classes, and i was id-ing as nonbinary at the time, so i was trained as a girl. that last year of dancing was a lot of fun in many ways, but i was also just hitting puberty, and i felt like i was at war with my body.
and then COVID hit, and it felt like i had been handed the perfect opportunity to quit on a silver platter.
so i stopped dancing, lived my regular smegular life, and got through high school (mostly) in one piece. i moved to college in 2024, realized/accepted that nonbinary and they/them hadn't really felt right for a long time, started using he/him, and realized how much i missed dancing.
yall ever see those videos of that one guy dancing in abandoned places/fields and shit? i had been getting that guy's videos on my fyp for months, and it honestly just brought back that spark for me, reminding me how much i love dancing. that, plus the show Étoile. idk something about them just made me want to go back.
so i did. i found a class in my area that was (somewhat ironically) taught by one of the teachers i had had growing up, not that she really remembered me lol. going back to ballet after 5 years off is not easy, especially with how much my body had changed from when i had last been dancing. but it felt so good too. i had no stamina, no strength, no flexibility, nothing. everything that used to feel easy (or easier) and natural, was foreign and challenging. not that ballet every really is easy. but i stuck with it, i kept going whenever i had time, i even managed to get into one of the only ballet classes offered on campus at my college last spring. i have regained so much of the strength i had lost, but im inconsistent and poor, so i can't always go to classes when i want to.
and that comes to now. as much as i love ballet, as much as i want to keep dancing and getting stronger and better, the emotional pain has been getting to me. i am at such an awkward stage of my life and my dance journey. im 20 years old, almost 7 months on t (!!!), and about a year back into ballet. i see all these other 18, 19, 20 year olds who are in preprofessional and professional programs/companies, and i get so sad because i never even gave myself the chance. to be fair, i never had a real chance anyway, as i was at a non-competative, non-preprofessional school growing up. i know why i had to quit, and i also know what would have happened if i hadn't quit when i did, but a small part of me is so angry that i just gave up.
i also just feel stuck in my dance journey, because i never had the opportunity to learn male technique, jumps, turns, all that classic masculine ballet shit, and it feels impossible to find anywhere to learn. i don't have money for private coaching, i barely have money for weekly classes if im lucky. it also goes back to that awkward age to be in, where i am seeing more classes teaching male technique, but theyre all aimed at kids/teens. i dont want to seem like a creep and ask to join one of those classes, but i honestly dont know how else i would learn. idk.
i also know that there is practically no world in which i would be able to dance professionally for a multitide of reasons, but a part of me still hopes/wishes/dreams it could be possible.
at the end of the day, i love dance, i love ballet, and i am glad to be back. i hope i am able to get over some of these jealousies and hurt spots, and just really get have fun, but i think it will take some time.
wow. this has kind of turned into a whole essay. idk what i want out of this post, but if you read this, thank you, i appreciate you.