My body is suicidal while I'm sane
18M. For the background, there might be something biologically wrong with my brain, and people around me feel it as well. I've also never fully socially integrated, and I didn't want to. The majority of those around usually say I am difficult to talk to, but it's really not a problem for me. I was born and am living in relatively poor conditions with no ability to leave due to financial issues.
The problem is, since there is something wrong inherently, it seems like my body figured me as an outlier, socially, and is trying to get me to kill myself so I would not be a threat to the peace of the community and others around me. Additionally to that, maybe because over the years my positive attitude and hard work has not gotten me anywhere, and now it almost feels like my brain rejects any thoughts about future happiness because it knows it's unattainable and instead encourages me to give up to finally rest.
Every time I try to distract myself from these thoughts, they get worse, with extremely unbearable dread, to the point where I might be entering some sort of a psychotic state and unwillingly hit my head against surfaces (this resulted in a concussion once).
The only thing that has worked to make me feel better so far is drugs. As you can guess I suffer from substance abuse, and I feel like my death will come as overdose, where my hands would intentionally make me consume a dosage too high so that I wouldn't protest and save myself because I'd think of it as just getting high.
The closest I'd compare this to is that one story of a guy who froze to death somewhere in Russia in the middle of the forest while trying to prove something to his girlfriend while documenting everything on a forum. Everyone there called him an idiot for going to a completely deserted place in -30C with minimal preparation and called it a suicide asking for him to call the emergencies and go home, which he didn't listen to because he wanted to appear strong. --> I agree with a later commentator to this whole situation who said he was suicidal and this whole ordeal was just his body's way to bypass the survival instinct, because it was the cold that killed him in the end.
I wrote this post to establish to myself that dying is not my conscious choice, but it will happen, I don't know why, and the scariest part is that I probably won't fight it. I have been to a therapist before, but they all seem to believe I actively want to die when it is not the case. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you