u/valuableV

I just had a conversation with friends (we're all women, straight as far as I'm aego) and one of them told us about a sexy guy she saw today at the swimming pool. She talked about his general appearance, his musculature, etc, nothing special - until she went on and said he had a nice bump in his pants. She and the other girls all reacted or commented stuff like it was part of his sexiness and I felt SO asexual at that moment 😅 Like... I have great fantasies, but private parts are just... Ugly and icky and kinda dumb to me. Even when I'm eyeing my partner (I'm demi too), that's not a part of his body that I desire or find attractive. Before discovering I was ace and specifically aego, I always assumed people talking about private parts in such terms were in the realm of crude jokes, you know ? Now I'm confused, does it really attract / arouse them ?

Long post incoming, I'm celebrating finding this label and this reddit 😂

Last few days have been wild. I posted in an online community a vent about my miserable previous relationship which left me even more miserable about sex than before, and someone responded kindly, saying "asexuality is valid, you are not broken, and coercion is not consent" and it lit up a fuse somewhere in my mind.

I never actually thought about being asexual. I mean, I did think about it for two minutes a few times long ago, and then dismissed it because I was in relationships, "I'm a straight woman" (I get crushes on male characters and only had boyfriends, true), "I just don't have much libido" (WITH A PARTNER. I am mentally hypersexual, in the privacy of my brains !), "I have some baggage that broke me and now I'm unable to enjoy sex" (growing up, sexual images/references/whatever disturbed me a lot, and teens around my age were only ever using sexual references as slurs or demeaning things, cue to me being largely repulsed by real sex), "I suppose I hate the various fluids involved in sex because I'm a bit germaphobe" (only a bit true, I just viscerally hate the thought and the sensation of exchanging fluids or rubbing moist body parts together, kisses I can tolerate or even appreciate, genitals together I can tolerate or even enjoy a bit with my current partner 💜, but other popular combinations are an absolute NIGHTMARE for me - giving or receiving - it is so gross for me, I compare the disgust to having a bunch of living spiders crawling on my skin).

And so yesterday I stumbled upon the label aegosexual on wikipedia and felt a shock, then I found this subreddit and I've been blown away by all those similar experiences.

It suddenly all makes sense. How I can be sooo satisfied in my solo sexual life, how it was so miserable with previous boyfriends who didn't understand how I could be sex averse or repulsed, how my current partner is my angel for understanding me even before I fully understood myself - I'm demi for him haha. And I am so angry about my previous bf who was much more experienced and claimed to be a queer ally and everything, but dismissed me when I told him I was thinking about maybe being asexual, because he wanted to keep having sex with me five times a week, doing all kinds of positions and combinations that made me feel sick in my stomach and my mind. He guilt-tripped me and outright lied to me more than a handful of times about what would happen during a session, and demeaned me for being repulsed by sextoys and practices he liked. I guess he's more attracted to the widened sex hunting grounds that bi/pan/trans/etc offers than to the actual self-fulfillment of all kinds of queer people.

I have in my mind a large "harem" of fictional crushes (characters from live action or animated movies/series, videogames, books, just concepts/vibes from songs, or original creations from my hyper vivid mind) that I use together or with another bunch of clearly idealized versions of myself (different names, different physiques, different minds) for a wide variety of stories, from non-sexual to angsty flirting to cute romances to full-blown sexual performances. I have one absolute favorite who I make variants of, I have had him in my life for 16 years and I am 100% aware he is just a concept. The personal rule I keep is never to use real people in fantasies (I can use physical appearances from actors but as their characters in movies, not as themselves). Even when I tried sometimes out of curiosity, I never could use myself as a character in those fantasies. It felt weird and I just naturally reverted to a distinct character version.

Which is fascinating to me is that I can use this "harem" for hours of arousal/pleasure without being tired or "finishing", just weaving sometimes months-long stories night after night. I jump back and forth between the two characters, sometimes as 3rd person, sometimes playing as one or the other or both simultaneously - funnily, although I am comfortable being a cis woman and am not attracted to women (real or fictional), I often tend to project more into the male character, like 70% of the time.

But if I want to "finish", I have to resort to another kind of characters and scenarios, much more hardcore - stuff I would die thrice before doing in real life, but it is well-contained in the boundaries of my mind.

It's a bit weird, but I love the absolute control I have over my mental sex life. And now I know I am not alone !!

Sorry, I have so much to say about my life experience and I can't talk about it to anyone close, so I'm happy finding this place 😅