u/vanswam

28M here. Need some honest outside perspective on a recently broken arranged marriage setup that became emotionally serious very quickly.

I’m half Tamil Brahmin and Bengali, she’s 28F Bengali from West Bengal but has been living in Chennai for 10 years. Her elder brother lives in Mumbai. We connected through arranged marriage and things escalated positively very fast over about a month. We met multiple times, our families approved, my mom met her and her brother’s family, and she even delayed flying back to Chennai just so she could spend more time and meet my mother.

She had set her expectations very quickly: that she wanted to get married within 6 months and stay in Mumbai. My mother felt this was going too fast and she even expressed wanting kids within 1-2 years max of marriage which I felt a little uncomfortable about not that I'm against having kids but it's such a huge financial investment.

Emotionally we became very attached. We bonded over music (John Mayer etc.), shared our first kiss, discussed future plans, intimacy, children, her moving to Mumbai after marriage, renovating my grandfather’s house where we’d stay, etc.

Then two major issues happened.

First issue:

One evening after she went back to Chennai, I was extremely stressed from work and venting on a video call. I raised my voice while ranting about work frustrations despite her asking me to calm down. She later told me she didn’t feel emotionally safe and said she couldn’t imagine being married to an angry man. I admitted I do have suppressed anger/rage issues and told her I’m already seeing a therapist for emotional regulation, depression, career stress, etc. I suggested maybe even a joint therapy session later to discuss concerns.

Second issue:

A few days later we had a conversation about surnames after marriage. She said she did not want to take my surname after marriage because she didn’t want to “lose her roots.” I initially said I respected it, but later I overthought it and asked her if she found my surname “repulsive” or embarrassing (my surname is Narayanswamy). She got upset that I interpreted it that way and felt like I was again escalating emotionally and making her uncomfortable. She said this reminded her of the earlier argument and made her fear future emotional conflicts.

There were also discussions around finances, children timelines, and my own anxieties about career stability and not earning enough yet. I’m currently preparing for CFA Level 2 while dealing with career struggles and self-esteem issues after unemployment last year. She reassured me a couple of weeks back she doesn't see my low salary as a hindrance. My mom does have two 2bhk properties - one in Mumbai and Navi Mumbai where i stay currently and things were going fast between us that last week we had interior decorators come to our house and were serious about refurbishing the house.

Last night she ended things saying:

- she doesn’t think she can emotionally meet my needs,

- she feels overwhelmed,

- and she wants her decision respected without attempts to change her mind.

She left the WhatsApp group with my mom and informed both families.

Right now I’m devastated because:

- I genuinely fell very hard for her,

- this was my first serious emotional/physical connection,

- and everything felt incredibly real very quickly.

She also wanted to me to come to Chennai in the new few weeks and even wanted to me to spend a night at her place and then in an Airbnb which i admit i felt a little uncomfortable given how quickly she wanted to be intimate with me and later was emotionally manipulating me suggesting such things will be done only after marriage. I just wonder if the roles were reversed, wouldn't she see this as a red flag?

My questions:

1. Do you think she overreacted too quickly over a couple emotional conflicts this early?

2. Was I wrong mainly because of the anger/intensity/reassurance-seeking?

3. Is mentioning therapy/career insecurity/mental health struggles too much during arranged marriage stage? And should I continue seeing my therapist? My mom wants me to discontinue.

4. Should I completely let go now and respect the boundary, or is there any value in reconnecting after some cooling-off period?

5. For people who’ve been through arranged marriage setups — how much emotional vulnerability is “too much” early on?

6. Part of me wants me to start looking again for prospects again as I don't want to be single for so long. It sucked that I was so emotionally invested so quickly and so was she. But should I wait instead?

Would appreciate honest opinions, including criticism if needed. I'm very devastated right now, I truly believe we were perfect for one another. I’m trying to reflect seriously on this rather than just blame her or myself completely.

Hey everyone,

28M here from Pune. So I've only had one long distance relationship in the past and just a few dates. My life has been a mess. I was pursuing CA not out of choice (since both my parents are chartered accountants) but it all changed when my dad unexpectedly passed away in 2018. Since then life has been a struggle for me both mentally and career wise. I carried on with CA and did two years of articleship only to later realize I'm not interested in CA.

So i made a switch and gave CFA a shot and cleared level 1 in 1 year. However since then I've struggled to pass level 2 and juggling along with job was very difficult. It didn't help that I was working as a temp at a big MNC bank so unfortunately in this process I accumulated 2 years of job gap. Last year while unemployed I was diagnosed with depression by my therapist and have been visiting a psychiatrist. I finally got a permanent job later and moved to Mumbai but unfortunately it pays low, i currently earn only about 5-ish lacs per annum. I've started studying to give another shot at the exam later this year and also upskilling side by side and applying to other better paying roles.

Out of the blue, later last year my mom suggested she start looking for arranged marriage partners via contacts, groups and social media. Honestly I didn't feel ready then given I earn so low and have been feeling very insecure about my current earnings but my mom and best friend (who also went through the arranged marriage process and now has a baby) who both told me to stop fixating on low salary as a limiting factor and there's more to marriage than just finances. Yes my family does have assets, a house in Pune as well as two 2bhk flats - one in Mumbai and one in Navi Mumbai (my late grandfather's properties). I am currently staying in Navi Mumbai and yes I do have quite some money in equities and mutual funds (most of it my dad's money invested anyways). I reluctantly had a few meetings with 2-3 girls and parents and with even one girl I spoke to early this year and our parents even met but it didn't materialize, there was no connection.

However last week, my mom shared her number on a facebook post by the girl's bhabhi. She's also the same age as me and we got to talking and we've been talking non stop and there's a connection, we both like each other, find each other honest, respectful, funny, cute and there's attraction. However this girl is a late born (like her dad is 73!) and she's done pretty well for herself living alone in Chennai for the last 10-11 years and works as a technical content writer and earns pretty well, like she is affording to live in Hiranandani Chennai (with flatmates). I can tell her she earns a lot more than me, like easily over 10 lacs per annum but ultimately she wants to settle in Mumbai because that's where her brother and bhabhi live and her parents eventually want to shift to Mumbai too. My mum wants me to settle in Mumbai and we have 2 flats for that purpose. Now so far me and this girl have not discussed salaries at all but I'm really afraid if this question ever comes by her or her family members as to how much I earn because If I say the truth then things may not materialize seeing my low earning potential. I'm feeling a bit insecure thinking I need 2-3 years more before I'm really ready for marriage but I know if I wait too long, I may regret it later. Ofcourse I'm still in a career transition and want to earn more but it may take some time to get there.

I do want to get married no doubt and I even met her yesterday and will be meeting her again today and meeting her family. We had a great time and even had a lot of serious discussions about marriage, emotional maturity, loyalty, compatibility etc. My mum will be coming over to Mumbai in a week's time to meet the girl and her family. I'm trying to not get emotionally attached to this girl right away. But I'm also a little freaked out over her expectations because not only she wants to get married soon like max early next year but she wants to have kids like within 1-2 years of marriage and that has really freaked me out because having kids is a financial bomb. I just feel a bit insecure in the sense that I may not be able to match and fulfill her expectations. I want this phase to go well and eventually marriage but I fear if she finds out my current salary, she may or may not call it off. What do I do? What if I'm asked this question? Should I not stay fixated on this and instead just go ahead building a bond with her?