u/vineandbook

I know there are people that have it far worse than I do, but I feel like I’m at a breaking point.

I feel so guilty, defeated, and honestly done. We conceived naturally on the first try and I started this pregnancy at 5’4 and 294lbs, I’m currently 273 lbs at 24 weeks. I have been MISERABLE this pregnancy with horrible health anxiety (they put me on medication and it’s still bad), high Bp at the doctors office so they have me monitor at home (normal at home), and high heart rate at the office but normal at home (130s at the doctor, 75-80 at home). I have been so sick for the past 24 weeks literally since I got pregnant through now and I still vomit and struggle with all day nausea, they gave me promethazine for it because zofran and all the other medications did nothing for me. My blood work is always good and vitals are good at home but it feels like a constant battle.

Yesterday I took my 1 hr glucose and surprise surprise I failed with a 173. I was so anxious that I threw up before I drank the drink and also after the blood draw. Threw up so hard there was blood in my vomit, also passed out during the blood draw. Doc is not concerned about this because I throw up really hard when I’m anxious and it irritates my throat, but then I cried so hard about failing that I threw up again.

I just feel like I can’t catch a break. I’m so overwhelmed by the constant monitoring of everything and if I fail my 3 hour I just don’t know what I’ll do with myself. I’m barely able to eat as it is and having to be on a carb restricted diet would significantly affect my quality of life which right now is just down the drain. Not to mention I tend to pass out during blood draws so doing 4 in 3 hours sounds miserable. I asked about at home monitoring for a week or two instead but they said I need to do the 3hr test. Only good thing is that baby girl looks great, heart rate always strong, very active and around 35th percentile so not too large.

But I just can’t take more things going wrong. I hate being monitored, I feel like a science project and like I have no control over myself and my body anymore. I feel like it is all my fault for being fat and like I’m failing my husband and my baby, even though I know that it’s anxiety and hormones that are out of my control. My family and his just blame everything on me being fat so that really doesn’t help. It makes me feel so ashamed.

My husband is trying to be helpful and says he understands how I feel but he really truly doesn’t and it just makes me so upset and resentful because he gets a baby without any of the bad stuff that comes along with it. I’m suffering through this and I don’t know how I’ll get through the rest of my pregnancy, let alone labor and postpartum. I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there until the baby comes out. I wish I never had to go to the doctor again. I’m so sick and tired of this that I haven’t been excited at all for my first pregnancy, just miserable. I love my daughter and I’ll do it for her but oh my god am I absolutely miserable. I wish it all would just stop.

I’m almost 24 weeks and I still barely feel my baby move (first pregnancy). I have a low posterior placenta and baby girl is breech, always with a strong heartbeat around 145. All scans and everything look normal, anatomy scan was perfect, my blood work is fine and during ultrasounds baby is always just lounging in there sucking her thumb but doesn’t move like crazy. They’ll poke her to move her and she reacts but even when I see it on the screen I don’t feel it.

Maybe once a day I’ll feel a poke in there but that’s it, and it’s not obvious enough for me to say yeah that’s a kick. It’s like a dull poke, very low by my pelvis. People keep talking about how their baby is moving so much and mine just doesn’t and it’s making me panic. Even when I lay still, focus, drink a cold sugary drink, etc etc literally nothing makes me feel her. My OB is not concerned but I’m just thinking what could be wrong? Or maybe she’s just lazy?