I'm scared of hell with understanding the absurdity of it.
Hello there. I want to tell you about my history because now I don't feel very okay and have some concerns about my life and the "afterlife". I apologize for my English in advance because I'm not a native speaker.
I wasn't that religious most of the time. I had been believing in God for six months (August-January). It happened after my birthday. Now I'm 18, and I consider myself an agnostic atheist.
My experience was actually extremely awful. I didn't feel okay at all. I was worrying about everything. I thought that God was punishing me, and I should have been more patient. I wonder what would happen if I continued believing. After a period of time, I finally came to the conclusion that everything was fucking messed up. I started exploring different subreddits and analyzing various arguments against God. They were compelling.
Now, my problem is that I'm afraid of hell, although I don't believe in God. I have been trying to find peace in Buddhism, but I failed. I understood it was also a dogma.
I have always wanted to be a good person. I didn't know much about Christianity when I was a child, but I was a good person anyway. Now, I think that I want to be a good person just because of hell. I'm scared that someone would judge me there, and therefore I have to be good. Nonetheless, I consider the fact that God needs my belief as well, but I cannot believe in Him because of many reasons.
I even made a jotting where I described how I should behave. It makes me feel horrible because I feel guilty whenever it's possible.
I'm writing this post because I want to express my emotions. To tell the truth, I need some help, but I'm scared of telling my parents and even my psychologist about it. I just want to live a happy and calm life without being pressed by someone who calls himself God (I was trying to make a "great contact" with Him, but He didn't answer me 🙌). Sorry for complaining. I don't feel very okay, and I hope I'll find peace as soon as possible. Maybe you can give me great advice, but I don't oblige you to do it. I'm jus happy to speak with someone who can understand me.
Thanks for reading. Have a good day. I love you all.