Maybe it's all in my head
Hi. I have never done this before, but im tired to only seek for help on an Ai chat. I want to talk to real people about this and hopefully someone may understand and might be going through the same or something similar.
I suspect that I'm autistic. No, actually I'm pretty sure that I'm autistic, and even if that wasn't the case, I am different. I know I have something.
I have been self-diagnosed for almost five years now. I know, I know, people might jump on me and tell me that it's harmful for the neurodivergent community and I totally agree, but that's how I have managed not to get severely depressed. I intend to explain this as good as I can and I really apologize if I make a mistake since this isn't my first language.
It all started by knowing the term of autism. I got really really curious by it and got obsessed after investigating it for a bit. The more I learned, the more I saw myself in it. Mostly it all started with all the experiences from people like me sharing their experiences on social media, and everything just seemed to get together.
But I knew that it wasn't enough, so I investigated more and more and more.
I'm not willing to tell every single detail of these past five years of investigation, I just want to get to the point that after I've made all of the existing tests online about autism, after I've read all the articles, after I've watched all the documentaries, I am sure that I am different, whether it's autism or not.
I thought that certain things that happened to me also happened to everyone, but it wasn't like that. I know what y'all say, that a single trait does not therefore mean that im autistic, but it's just too many traits that are interfering with the quality of my life constantly.
And lately it's been getting worse.
I don't remember the last time I fell asleep without crying and shaking under the covers because having had to go outside. I'm exhausted of everything, even when I'm at home. Things that I could easily manage, like not finding a pair of socks, now make me burst into tears, hit my head and hurt my chest. It's been three months now.
I have always been a really sensitive child, very adult-like back then. But that's not the point.
I have asked my mom to take me and get diagnosed, but eventhough she agreed, I don't see her very convinced. She believes everything can be controlled with the 'power of the mind' and stuff, but the reality is that that's not true.
The worst part is that I can't tell her everything that I've been going through, I don't know what holds me back from venting to my parents, but I just... Sigh.
And my dad has the image of the stereotypical autistic boy, like in the good doctor.
I'm also scared that they take me to get a diagnostic and they don't do the procedure properly because im a girl and y'all know how things are. If that happens, my parents are never going to take me for another test because they don't know anything about it and will just trust blindly what the doctor says.
And I'll have to finish school and college without any psychological support. And when I get to adulthood, I don't know if I could afford a test again.
I will have to live the rest of my life suffering, without a medical support, with a constant imposter syndrome, meltdowns, bullying.
The thing is that I don't know if I'll ever make it past 30. Not in a su1c1d4l way, but in a way that i don't know if i could deal with everything im dealing constat in my every day + adulthood. Being independent, having a job, my own house, my own car... I don't think I'll be capable of any of that.
Society has traumatized me in a way most people don't understand when I tell them about it, and if it's true that im autistic and my suspicions were right, that will mean that im not just an insanely sensitive crybaby.
I don't think anyone will read or interact with this bs, but if someone did, thank you.