I almost died and I would really like some help getting through this???
On May 26th I started getting a stuffy and a cough. Throughout the day my breathing got a little worse. Overnight my breathing got worse. I was up every hour or so to pee and had to stop constantly to catch my breath. By morning I couldn't even help my husband get my kids ready for school because I was so short of breath. I told my husband to call the ambulance and he laughed and said he would take me. I actually started crying and I told him i felt that I would die before he could get me there. He thought I was being dramatic. Anywho he called them and when they got here my o2 was 81. I had also done 3 duo new breathing treatments before they got there. On the way to the hospital they got me on oxygen and did 4 or 5 breathing treatments. Once I got to the the hospital they gave me another 12 breathing treatments. They started me on high flow oxygen becayse they couldn't get my oxygen above 80 but I started having a panic attack and freaked out having the high flow oxygen on. The Dr came in and said we only have 2 more options left and I told him that I didn't care about the second option I told them to just put me on a vent and to please just save my life while I was strong enough to beat it. Everything went super fast after that and all I remember is signing a paper, then they told me to take a few deep breaths while I was strapped to the wheelchair, then they told me to cough and were asking how I was feeling and whatnot. I guess they life flighted me 2 hours south to a better bigger hospital that had a professional team that specializes in vent patients. Then told me that I had been in a coma and intubated for the last 3 days. I was very out of it. It took quite a while to figure out where and who i was. I know i cried a lot because I missed my husband and kids. They couldn't make it down to see me because qe didn't have the gas money for then to drive 2 hours away. I cried off and on all night. Anyway, the next day they said they wanted to move me to general admission but asked if I wanted to be m9ved to north country hospital in Newport vermont because that was my original hospital. I told them yes please send me home so I can see my family. So a few hours later they sent me closer to home. I stayed there another 4 days. Once I was fully weaned off oxygen they let me got home. I looked at my charts once home and kind of functioning a little bit and it says that I had acute hypoxic lung failure, sepsis, exasperated by asthma and it was all brought on by rhinovirus and enterovirus. Anyway it has now been just over a month since then. My kids have had 2 more viruses since then but luckily I haven't gotten anything else. I went back to work 2 weeks afterwards. My brain has been struggling. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel like I am in an alternate universe. It's not as bad as it used to be but it still very prominent. Also my temper is very short with every one. I quit smoking cigarettes and pot all at the same time I threw everything away and made my husband smoke outside. Then he started smoking inside and in the car with me so I started slowing taking a couple drugs of cigarette every now and then and became addicted again. I have for the most part only had about five cigarettes a day for the last week. I am quitting again tomorrow because I have a pulmonology appointment on Tuesday and I need to get through this. I also started drinking again because I couldn't handle things anxiety and overthinking and Nightmares and night terrors I've been having. Yesterday I am July 4th I had my second panic attack since coming home from my breathing incident and being on life support. It took a lot out of me and I was exhausted and didn't feel well. This morning I didn't feel well but still went to work and worked 5 hours before I had to come home because it was just too much. My husband is my boss and supervisor so he said I could go home but I had to go back and pick him up at 5:00 when he got off work. I am struggling every single day and it seems like my therapist keeps avoiding me. I know it's not all about me all the time. But it seems like every time I have an appointment with her she always cancels at the last minute. So I have not seen her or talked to her since June 1st the day I got out of the hospital. I had an in person appointment with her that day and decided to do a zoom moving instead because there was no way I could go in the office literally 30 minutes after getting released from the hospital. The last two times I've tried to meet with her she has canceled. I have an appointment with my doctor in 2 days and I'm thinking about asking him for some kind of mood stabilizer also maybe changing my antidepressants because it seems like Celexa isn't doing anything for me anymore. I cry at the drop of a hat when for the last 18 years of being on it I never cried over anything and now I cry over everything. I know that I need to taper off slowly so I will talk to him about that but I would like a mood stabilizer to go with an antidepressant to try to figure out how I can make my family more comfortable because I have not been myself everybody knows I haven't even I know I haven't and I really just need help. Also I need something to go without for anxiety that is not buspirone because buspirone only takes the edge off but I'm still having panic attacks. Also I can't sleep and I am having nightmares I used to take Ambien in Arizona every 4 years because my trazodone would stop working so I'm thinking maybe I need to do that for 3 months like I used to do or IDK maybe he can give me something else to go with all my other meds. I'm scared to try anything new because a lot of times it really messes with my head and makes me think things I don't want to.