u/wackOPtheories

TLDR (because I love to go on tangents and I'm not even sorry): Even while deconstructing, I actually love praying with my Christian wife because it's very meaningful to her, and I'm coming to realize that it's actually healthy for me, personally.

I was laying in bed and my wife vented about having a sore throat. I offered to pray with her.

Some background:

She didn't grow up Christian. She was atheist, but had softened on her stance by the time we met. Now she's Christian. She's not devout, doesn't study the Bible, she doesn't pray publicly and her church attendance isn't great. She's not performative. Sometimes, I forget she identifies as Christian because she doesn't do all the Christian things and she's obsessed with horror movies, but I know she believes. She doesn't have to prove it to me or anyone else. I used to try and assess if I thought faith was legitimate. I even almost broke up with her early on because I didn't think her faith would meet my church group's standards. I've grown up since then, particularly after deconstructing.

She feels things so deeply. Her childhood was pretty sad, but she clung to whatever fond memory she could. Her mom died when she was 19, and her cat died around the time she met me. She has cancer. While it has been near undetectable for a few years, technically she's not in remission. Depression hits her like a wave at times. Anxiety isn't uncommon. Occasionally, she has panic attacks. Life has only gotten harder for us.

She has faith because she needs something to hold on to. She believes that we'll spend time with lions and possums and bats and anteaters in heaven, and that I'll finally get to meet her mom, who she says would love me so much. This is where her mind goes to cope with the difficulty of her current existence. I love her so much, it hurts.

Even though I'm deconstructing, I pray with her. We pray for every meal together. We pray when things are difficult, uncertain, or heavy. I don't have faith that it'll make things magically work out, but there's something cathartic about vocalizing my burdens into the air. I used to be very good with prayer. I was eloquent, genuine and insightful when I'd pray. There have been several times when I would pray publicly at church and I'd hear people choking up and see some holding back tears. I now know it's not because I was full of the Spirit, it's because people crave authenticity, which is in extreme short supply in life, and rarer in a church. It was one of the few things I was good at as a Christian.

So when my wife complained about her sore throat in bed tonight, I figured I'd offer to pray with her. She asked me to also pray for her dad, who's in the hospital with food poisoning. While I was at it, I also prayed for my cat. I prayed that he'd poop. Two days ago I found some plastic he ate in one of the 20 instances of vomit, so after an $800 vet appointment, his $450 X-rays showed that he was also pretty constipated. We are hoping that a change in diet and some canned pumpkin will be enough to rectify his ailments. I prayed about a lot of other things. It felt good, and I know that it helped make my wife feel better, even if not physically.

I didn't mean to make a case for prayer as a potentially healthy exercise, but I think it's helpful for me, at least. That said, I'm sure there are alternatives that don't come with implied theism. I'll explore that more if my wife gets on the same page as me. Until then, I'm under no assumption that it'll make anything okay, but I'll pray anyway for my bae. Amen.

Note: This is part rant, part ... slam poetry, I guess? I'm not usually this worked up, and I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed by that.

The good book is beautiful, but it's not good. To acknowledge that is a prerequisite to actually revering it (ask a Bible scholar). Its most common function is an ornate, masterfully crafted trap. When taken in totality, it seems designed that way. One of the last things it says is that you'll be cursed if you add more words to it. That's honestly an audaciously dastardly move, when you think about it.

There's also a segment claiming that all scripture is God-inspired and actually good to apply to life. What scripture? Did the author who wrote that have the same thing that you have? Can you confirm that? What about non-canonized writings? Do you know who determined what was considered filler? It's not any single group, it was a progressive process over time. Has your church taught you that?

If anything, those are the most impactful books. Think of them like the exact opposite of anime filler. They're written way before the story is completed, yet cut by committees because it doesn't fit their revisionist narrative. These types of people think they're smart because they're calculated. They remain today, frail, yet assertive, clinging desperately to antiquated authority built around a self-elevating power structure designed for broad coercion (religion). All the more reason to read the gospel of Thomas. It's a short read, and it won't poison your thinking, I probably promise.

One of my least favorite things is that it says that all men are liars. Do you realize that when you teach that you're actually speaking that presumptive truth to power? People will believe that no one can clear the low bar of being honest. Lying becomes inadvertently and inevitably permissible.

Heaven forbid someone claims they haven't lied; they'd be dismissed, corrected or gaslighted (past tense of gaslight, had to look it up, found a hilarious Reddit comment as usual) into submission. I suggest that if you believe in this Biblical principle, then your faith is actually weak. If your holy book repeatedly talks down on humanity, trust your gut. It's not good. Ditch it. Believe in people instead. Have faith in humanity. That faith is more noble, more grounded in reality, and it takes guts. People can live honestly, and that's what I'm trying to do right now for the first time in decades.

Does anyone else think Leonardo would have been a better name for Don, the inventive genius? Leonardo da Vinci was an innovative creator as well as an artist.