I'm lost. Help?
I've finally found the label that describes me, I think. Only took over 35 years. I'm AFAB but always felt like a boy. I was always fighting about having to wear dresses and not being allowed to cut my hair really short, not to mention being hurt every time the reason for anything was "because you're a girl". Eventually I accepted I'll never be a boy, but I didn't accept being limited by gender. So I became the weird girl. You know, the one who wasn't afraid to hang out with boys and the one who was always too aggressive. I never fit in with girls and I could never really be one of the boys. Thankfully I did have a couple close female friends who accepted me as I am and mostly assigned the masculine tasks and roles to me - calling me king instead of queen playfully, although at this point I never claimed to be a boy.
I always looked at my issues through the lens of feminism. Women shouldn't be put into these narrow boxes. Everyone should be able to present themselves how they want and have the interests they want. But then a few weeks ago I was reminded about where my issues actually come from. I made a joke about looking like a dude and was very quickly shut down by "you don't look like a guy". It was a completely understandable reply in the situation and most likely meant as a kindness, but what came as a surprise was how much it hurt. I see the masculinity in my features when I look into the mirror. It's easy to forget that others might not. The comment brought a whole heap of painful memories back to the forefront.
Thing is though, I don't want to transition. I like my body. I have a very nice female body, nothing wrong with it. It would also feel like a betrayal, because I do appreciate the femininity in me too. I don't think it would change much either. It would just be the other side of the same card: a male presentation with hidden femininity. I don't care about pronouns either, they mean nothing to me. I think I only hope people could see me for what I am. It does happen sometimes. On occasion someone tells me to stay a man or some other random comment that captures my essence and it always feels incredibly good.
So, the problem I guess is the following. What do I do with a label if the only meaning it gives is that I wish the world was different? I still can't really fit in anywhere. I pretty much feel like an intruder in this kind of communities, too, because it's so easy to hide who I am. A female body dressed in masculine clothing just means a tomboy to most people. I guess I now understand why I'm weird, but I'm not sure if it's helpful at all. I just feel incredibly lost.