A First World Struggle With Fear
I hope I don't come across as whiny or ignorant but I have had some thoughts on the idea of being what you do, not what you believe. Many people say they're leftist or anarchist or whatever and don't really do too much when the time to act comes, and unfortunately that describes me excellently. I've become extremely sympathetic to Anarchists and feel disgusted by the new understanding I have of the world, and yet, all I can do is glue myself to the screen and daydream about being a somebody. I've thought of using my interests in art to spread awareness on campus, and I've thought of reading more theory, but it seems I can never commit to anything (a common struggle in my life really). Part of it is... procrastination? Hopefully not laziness but it feels like that most of the time. The other part is how little it seems. I hate to downplay the efforts of those in Minnesota or New Jersey but the truth is most Americans aren't doing shit wether they're aware of the dystopia or not, so when a father gets shot after being tracked down by ICE using flock cameras, the hell does a little zine some loser made for their college matter? Why aren't I rigging bombs under fascist's vehicles?
And I also notice how some hesitation comes from the fear of things, fear that people much more courageous than me have overcome. The kids of Nepal didn't twiddle their thumbs worrying about getting hit by batons because liberation was worth the fight to them, but I'm over here worried of being made an example in a way that doesn't compare to what others have. It's quite selfish, and it's really made me feel useless. Like the best thing I could do for mankind is get out the way if you know what I mean. I guess I'm just wondering if some of you have felt the same way and been able to jumpstart into action, or reframe this thought. I don't think turning my hobbies into activism is any more useful than voting, and telling myself to "suck it up" just brings me closer to terrible things.