u/whatserjos

TW: illness talking and long vent

I’ve been having more and more bad days with this lately, I haven’t had like a big step back in recovery yet but I feel like any progress has come to a hard stop. I’ll vent to my friends, or boyfriend, or mom, and half the time they’ll suggest something like “well why don’t you try this” or “you need to change your thinking” and it’s like 1; half the stuff they suggest is actually like a DIRECT contradiction to actual recovery (like just drink more water or focusing on a certain food group) or 2; they suggest something that’s literally impossible atm like simply accepting my body as it is and food as fuel all the time and that mirrors mean nothing like I have these stupid rules and associations in my brain that nobody understands inherently in the first place let alone that changing them or undoing them genuinely feels impossible. Idk what to do anymore, my mom’s clearly getting tired of hearing me vent and I don’t want to burden my partner or friends (though they’ve never said I do). I don’t want to think the things I think, and I want to get “healthy”, but it still feels the goals I want are skewed and for the wrong reasons. My therapist says I shouldn’t get back to the gym yet because while yes I want to build muscle I also am desiring to be smaller or weigh less or leaner, and that that mindset will roadblock me from recovery. But then like wtf CAN I do, I feel like I’m wasting time and just getting bigger.

Sorry. Thanks for reading.