u/whatwouldudoifwhat

(english isnt my first language so sorry if theres any mistakes) f17, Ive done a good amount of research to understand why iam the way iam, the only answer ive come up with is psychopathy. I know this is not a place to diagnose and stuff but im not able to speak about this kind of thing with a psychiatrist or anyone at all because of my family and culture, so im kind of looking for a basic explanation(ig??)

So From what Ive noticed and alot of people have noticed about me is that I react very “weirdly”. When my mom told me that her best friend (my best friends mom) died, I didn’t really feel much, I was like oh thats tragic, but emotionally, practically nothing. And she was very close to me, almost like an aunt. Similar thing when my mom thought my grandmother was going to pass, and she let me know, I didnt really react outside of “oh?” and went back to what i was doing. My mom got very mad and was saying how she felt really upset that i was so careless and robotic almost. But i just told her that i didnt really see a big deal out of this and i dont understand why people take this kind of thing so seriously, “did u think she was going to live forever?” I understand now that i was disrespectful (ig??) when she told me that it was super rude to say that kind of thing.

I dont feel much during the day, rarely I feel very good about myself if something i wanted to go my way, goes my way, and thats an extremely rare experience. But mostly, I just feel very like “bleh” not sad, not mad, not happy, just plainly nothing.

I dont think ive ever loved anyone (including my family and closest friend) I mean, i appreciate them(kind of?? not sure how to express the feeling) but i just dont feel anything about anyone, im always concerned about myself and the only positive thing i feel is when i think of myself (might just be a narcissist) and my mom always gets mad like “oh u only like yourself, ur so selfish, u only pick urself over everyone” but im like “well ya obviously, im going to choose myself?? why would i ever put someone else before me and not prioritise myself?” i truly dont understand how anyone could even do that.

Ive had boyfriends and such, but i never really loved them. I said i loved them but the second they did the slightest thing wrong, i blocked/ghosted/completely disrespected. i only really “liked” them when they did things for me.

Im not like a murderous or violent person at all, infact when someone tries to assault me, i never fight back physically. But when someone disrespects me, verbally abuses me, or something of that nature, my mind immediately starts racing of ways to break them down and make them feel as horrible as possible. My main method is choosing my words carefully and knowing exactly what to say to set them off little by little till they start ruining themselves. I use different words and techniques to manipulate them to feel like they need to beg for my forgiveness, love, etc. I always put them against themselves and i make sure i know exactly what can start the process of the ruin that i want to achieve.

i read social cues very well and think of myself very highly, i believe myself to be extremely intelligent and well mannered (which i think is one of the most important things in a person)
I can lie incredibly well, but when i was around 11 and i realised that my mother could tell when i would lie because i had a “tell”, i tried to see what my tell was when i was lying but i never really caught it, so instead i started analysing how i acted when i told the truth so i could copy that when i was lying.

Although psychopaths are said to be impulsive and risky, iam the complete opposite. I have never reacted impulsively to anything and i take my time to plan everything single thing i do out. Even in the heat of the moment, i control my words carefully and knowing exactly what to say to get my way.

I do not feel empathetic to anything as far as i know. (This will sound bad) if i see a video of an ill child, or someone hurt in the midst of a war, i dont feel sad. I feel more disgusted. I try to think of things that i am commonly unemotional about but its pretty much everything so i dont really know.

I understand what society deems as wrong or bad so i know what to say and how to say it. i manipulate 99.9% of things in my life. Even the smallest situations. Although i lie alot, im honest even more. i don’t usually lie unless i know that if i dont lie that my life or something in my life will change in a way i dont want it to. Mostly im honest because i dont care enough to waste energy on lying and putting on a show for people.

I might be forgetting some things but 🤷‍♀️. Please let me know if these are autistic, sociopathic, psychopathic, bpd, or narcissistic tendencies. or maybe it’s something else that i dont know about.