I can't help but want to leave.
I think I've hit my limit. How would you handle this?
I'm an L4 SDE on a seller-facing team.
When I joined, the team had 2 SDE1s who'd been there for about 6 months, 4 SDE2s, 1 SDE3 (shared across multiple L7s), around 12-13 contractors, and about 6 other new-grad/junior SDEs who joined around the same time as me.
Within my first two months, almost all of the senior engineers left. We were left with just my SDM, two SDE2s, and a team mostly made up of junior engineers.
Things have been rough ever since.
One SDE who tried to transfer internally was put on a PIP shortly after telling our SDM she wanted to leave. She ultimately managed to transfer because the hiring manager backed her up, but it left a lasting impression on everyone else. She also made her submit medical certificates.
The work itself is relentless. On-call usually means dealing with 5-6 Sev2s at a minimum. On top of that, there's an enormous amount of process and documentation. It feels like I'm constantly writing Page 0s, OE documents, EEs, design docs, operational reports, or preparing for reviews. Sometimes it feels like I spend almost as much time writing about work as actually doing engineering.
Then there are the politics.
Earlier this year, around February, leadership made a decision that honestly shocked me. Almost all of the SDE1s were loaned out to other teams, while several SDE3s were temporarily brought in from those teams in an attempt to complete an entire year's roadmap in a single quarter. I ended up being the only SDE1 left on the team.
To be fair, I do think my manager wants me to succeed. But I can't shake the feeling that it's because the team is under constant pressure to deliver and because having high-performing reports reflects well on her.
People on this team seem to get promoted relatively quickly (around two years from what I've seen), but there's also a noticeable pattern: they get promoted... and then they leave.
I'm starting to understand why.
Over the last year I've learned a lot technically, but the expectations have become overwhelming. I'm expected to own ambiguous problems, know our systems inside out, and be available whenever something goes wrong.
I've gotten to the point where I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I've been paged or messaged. Sometimes I have dreams about work. Last Friday I woke up at 7 AM to a message from my manager and immediately felt a wave of anxiety before I'd even gotten out of bed.
Over the past few weeks she's been especially critical because I haven't been able to solve a particularly ambiguous problem. She wants me operating at a significantly higher level than I currently am.
I spoke to the engineer who transferred after almost getting trapped in a PIP, and I also reached out to several seniors who left during my first few months. Every single one of them said the same thing: life got dramatically better after they moved.
They described working normal hours, actually having time to think before coding, learning instead of constantly firefighting, and working on projects they genuinely enjoyed. Many of them moved to Python or AI-focused teams, which honestly sounds much closer to the kind of work I'd like to do.
The thing is... I don't think I'm burned out because of software engineering.
I think I'm burned out because of this team.
I'm not passionate about the seller domain. I don't care about the business enough to spend my evenings and weekends thinking about it, yet that's almost what's expected. I hate feeling like I'm supposed to know every corner of a massive system in exhaustive detail while constantly juggling operational work.
What I actually want feels incredibly simple.
I want to work normal hours.
I want to go to the gym consistently.
I want to spend time with my family.
I don't want every weekend to become catch-up time.
I don't want to get random calls because production is on fire and be expected to immediately drop everything I'm doing.
Recently I also found the results of our internal tech survey, and one thing that stood out was that concerns about overwork and micromanagement existed even before I joined. That made me realize this probably isn't something I'm imagining or something unique to my experience.
Tomorrow I'm taking a sick day because I honestly don't think I can function. I've reached out to an L7 on another team for an informal chat since they're hiring, but I'm terrified about what happens if my manager finds out. I haven't interviewed since joining the company, so even the idea of switching teams feels intimidating.
I feel anxious almost every day now, and I'm realizing it's starting to affect my health outside of work.
Has anyone been in a situation like this?
Would you try to transfer internally as fast as possible? Would you just start interviewing externally? Or am I overreacting and this is just what some high-performing teams are like?
I'm honestly not sure anymore.