Hi, all! I’m not your average person posting but I’ll try my best to make it seem like such.

I have… really been through it. I mean, I have never been out of it as it’s been a constant cycle of these lessons throughout life neglecting me from giving the attention needed to those lost in these cycles.

My crown chakra as of late needs protection. If anyone can just send protection to my crown chakra as my physical environments affect it physically and then my stress-induced condition puts my walls down, and this all leaves me prone to illness.

This is probably one of the biggest pivotal moments of my life in a long time. I am truly hoping that I can keep my mind focused in as it is easily overcome by the emotions of others. Normally, I’d bubble, but I have no energy or time at this specific moment in life. I’m asking anyone if possible to send any protection to my crown and possibly my heart too as I navigate these situations. I need to remain sharp, cool, calm, and collected to gather my bearings, complete these tasks, be taken seriously, and just for the overall safety of my health.

05/24/99; CW; Minnesota, USA.

I am unsure if this allowed. Please let me know if it is not. 🤍

https://www.reddit.com/r/psychicreadings/s/wdmXcko7c5 [old post](https://www.reddit.com/r/psychicreadings/s/wdmXcko7c5)

Post update from last month: blurred. Lost & Confused.

*TLDR: life has been hard and I’m in a bad situation and need help to find a way out right now. I have been steered incorrectly, have my own abilities that are hard to explain. I just know this part righr now is not supposed to happen. This is a big SOS. It sounds frantic, and im sorry. I can’t make the world comfortable all the time when I’m burning alive despite wanting to not be a problem to anyone. I’ve been led on and lost so much time trying ti get help. I need help though. I need insight and clarity from someone who can help me… one who sees more than most… who can take a challenge and be open minded… be open to elevating. There is a harvest of what I’ve planeted that can be achieved and help me finally be a person.*

Trust me in that I have introspected and also in that I’ve been through the ringer of various abuses and feeling embarrassed for even having to be in these situations because I’d never let myself if I had any form of physical agency to help me. I am an independent person. A giver. Someone who attracts people who want to feel better. Someone who has attracted the possessive ones. I need to focus on myself, but my life was not built to make it as easy as it sounds. I need the logic, the structure, the clarity, for the motivation… I don’t make hormones — even neuro hormones — naturally. Oddly, I have survived the most dangerous and odd scenarios and have lived to tell the day… but not without the pains of these things physically and emotionally — all of which affect me more physically to then be nonfunctioning because I have secondary Addison’s disease and make zero cortisol and adrenaline. I literally take an epi pen before bed twice a month (my conditon is so rare that the science doesn’t exist yet but I have figured it out with my journalism and research background and want to help out so many people with so many things I’ve had to endure or see or have been told through my “downloads” of pure inspiration). The epi pen makes me sleepy bevause I don’t make cortsol, but if I take a small amount, I am safe to sleep and wake up feeling a bit more “normal”(whatever that feels like) after I take all of my medicines including cortisol (hydrocortisone). I say this because I don’t have the capacity to fight or flight and must tend to so many things right now that I am losing opportunities and the people I’m around are locking me in this cage… and I need my routine. I need my life. I had an idea of where I need to be but how I get there now? How I keep myself okay and gain some financial freedom to stop asking for help is what I need to not be in these situations and forced to explain myself so much and feel so exhausted just from that. My apartment was physically toxic (currents in as I pack), and my “friend’s” place is abusive toxic. I didn’t get to make those ride or die friendships due to my illness presenting far more than it was as a sophomore. My sister died suddenly a couple of weeks before I went to college (all with my own scholarships that I worked very hard for and sacrificed time with those I loved). I have always pushed to survive. Truly. I mean this to my core. I promise you. I promise you. I don’t know what normal is like or life is like but what I do know is what it shouldn’t be like. And I do know that I’ve had better before — I’ve been loved by my sister and my mom (both whom have passed). I am very much like my sister in ways I didn’t even know… and I never was okay growing up as I faked this life to have some sort of life at school as I tried to stay from home but be the exceptional kid no person could say wasn’t when my dad and step mom tried. I have always been empathetic. I have always cared. I truly hate asking as a giver. I hate it. I hate saying hate too. I want to not be in a situation of such discomfort when I can’t truly do the things I would do without this illness. I also must stop doinf this to my body. But I can’t do that… I can’t. Not when my life depends on it and my pets. I worked too hard and have too much to do and to prove and know exactly what I need for my body and sense of self and how I will nuture myself when I can… but I can’t if I’m in a situation and position with NO one. And no one owes me anytning even if I was in my home state as I’ve been a hermit dying on repeat for years… ignored when I finally asked for help but seen as crazy. I cannot express the amount of trials and tribulations I’ve experienced but can say that it’s definitely due to my crown chakra having so much vulnerability. I must stay away a bit more with what I know now but need financial freedom. I need to ground myself again and give myself the sense of peace that is possible — not complete but some. I need to know what to do righr now to not burn down more bridges… to GTFO and to be safe. To be alone. To be okay. To then work on myself better and heal my TBI and work on my writing a and goals and enthnography and maybe even apply for a fellowship… that could help me so much. A grant… my work is of years and contains so much that could potentially hurt me and has already if known by the wrong people. I need to find sanctuary to be able to show that I am what I say that I am… As a public figure and hopeful speaker and person, I need to maintain good standing in the face of the world. It does matter what people rhing. They don’t need to know all but those who are indirectly told of me by those who are spiteful of me… those who abuse me and bring me down and my vibrations — I thought I could do it and could’ve for 2-3 weeks but this is… not okay. I need to find clarity. My energy just went into this. I hope peoppe see that I’m not okay all the time. And I’m not sad all the time either as I can focus on my dreams, but I can’t… can’t postpone healing my physical conditions and residual effects of these evejets and my underlying condition any further. I need to fix this. Then, focus on the ultimate plans. But I need to do this and now. I need to be consistently okay for a fellowship. I need to show that I’m not crazy and never was. I need to help those who are wrongly characterized as this. I have much systemic change to do to help the greater good in ways I was taught through this experience, but this current one feels like it’s not a journey intended for me. Not now. I can’t take 10 classes at once at such an extreme level. I also can’t focus on the depths of relationships while I’m unable to have friendships and can’t have another summer go to waste due to literal entrapment. I mean this. I do. I just mean it. I can’t have more trauma. I know my limits. This is my limit. I’ve reached my limit. I need help now. I can’t even afford a $25 U-Haul for a harder solution versus the $140 U-Haul to make the drive to get the storage unit… and the gas with it. I owe money that I never have owed before. And some people really owe me a lot of money… I don’t know which area to pursue. Energy is required for each and stress. All have timelines. I need like immediate help.

\\\*those who me presume my situation will truly only hurt my further. I have tried literally everything locally and through the state. The negligence lies with them. I now don’t have a car. I am very vulnerable as a small woman, as a young woman, as a friendly one, as a giver, as a person with zero resources, as a person with an illness that literally knocks them out to a lethal degree from stress and too much stimulation with these situations. It has all been used against me… the number of things required to keep me alive due to not repairing the underlying cause (to get this done has to come later after i stabilize myself and get legal for my many situations). I need to fix those things now before it’s too late. And then I can fix my own things at the same time and slowly work into routine. I do have some intuition and a weird way of knowing things too… but I also know what isn’t right for my situation and what is. I feel it within. I know. And this “knowing” helped me a lot with the illness… I’m an anomaly with that alone. But it’s put me in so many situations because I don’t have a support system. Only men are willing to help. I can’t take the fear of women my age… I just can sense it all and their judgements and don’t want to feel that too. It’s all around hard. I need help. I hope peoole see that I am more than this… that I missed a pivot point in June due to my clarity requests being vague vague vague. We all are human and want to survive, but I am drowning. That is the difference. I usually reference it to being in a house fire… but both feel very relevant.

If it helps, I have an odd birth chart. I have two golden yods. My charts hits nearly every house. One golden yod is the black Lilith moon. My Aquarius Rising (and south node) is in the 12th house but cusps the first house very closely. My Pisces is fully submerged within the 1st house with part of my Aquarius and Aries on the other side. My sun sign In Gemini in the 4th and 3rd houses. Many points hit the third house. Some may see the fourth house has a point by a degree… it depends. My first house is the same with no points but the rising literally one point away… it’s often missed and I’m seen as a Pisces rising when I’m not. My 11th house is completely Capricorn but the Capricorn goes into the 12th house too with my Aquarius that holds my ascendant and South node in this house. My Virgo Moon Sign is fully submerged within the 7th house but unlike the Pisces, it’s very very very active. My Virgo moon and Gemini sun are both ruled by mercury. My north node is in Leo. My golden yods both got massively in Sagittarius. Though, my 10th house holds the Sagittarius completely and my midheaven is on th cusp of the 10th and 9th house that holds the other portion Sagittarius with the scorpio holding the other half of this 9th house but it has many points of contact. My midheaven is in the 10th barley. Just like how the 1st house is a degree from many but still holds significance with the detachment of the Aquarius fully submerged by the Pisces and it being my rising. The 11th house in Capricorn is the only one that doesn’t have points that come close. I’m a double air sign… I always described my Gemini growing up for the twins to be a Pisces and a Leo if they could be anytning… my two full siblings hold importance here because my sister’s sun sign is in Aquarius. And my brother’s sun sign is in Virgo. That makes my other two of my sun sign in Gemini. My sister was a huge part of my life as I lived a life in extreme pain but didn’t know it and soon my brain turned off those pains after my younger years of being told I was these bad things… I have always been extremely empathetic too the point of nausea. I feel this most when in tune with myself and when my hormones are aligned. As a child, even at 3, I remember telling this babysitter to take me instead of my little brother… he had a gun. He was like 18-19… I think? My sister has it written in a notebook of his age. I hold this memory alone though. she wasn’t there thankfully for her soul.. She was a writer too. We are eerily similar and I didn’t know this due to life being avout survival always. Also, my sun sign made it look like we weren’t. I also took on her roles when she died… she was born in my south node of Aquarius and died in my north node of Leo. I have always tried to grow and catch up since my health declined especially around puberty… but also due to home life. I wanted to be like my peers. But I have such depth that it’s hard to relate. I would start understanding this as I got holder and thought it was from circumstances of life. But no… it was more. I’ve always felt connected. But then without hormones, it was harder. With them back, as they are finicky now with the HRT as I’m in temporary situations and stressed situations and very little routine that I need in the very least to focus on to ground myself, I envy the wind. I want to be with the butterflies. I want to run outside. I want to swim in poetry. I have so many creative ideas and things that would fuel my heart but also… I have a mission… and if I could do even a little of those passions… to write for pleasure and read for pleasure and “be one with the wind” as I would say. I “controlled the wind” I thought (I am a double air but my moon is earth and my yods press in sag fire with my planets hitting that Pisces in the first house submerged of my identity… but the wind does soemthing to me. It does something.

I need to find a way to survive this now. I don’t want to ask anymore for help. It’s too hard to ask when I just want to give.

And that’s hardly a nutshell of my life and hopefully some… JUST SOME resonates with anyone with the ability to offer clarity… I can do the rest. I need to know the specific path. I have ideas. I need to know which. It’s like too many flavors at an ice cream shop but each requiring a different conversion to convince them to reopen a new ice cream bin despite it being unconventional by this time of day (idek tbh how to say it… I need time and energy focused on that path to strategize and find a way in like a window because the doors aren’t closed but I can always find a way… and I can make a lesson from it… and that’s what I do with my writing to help others in situations that parallel.

Even if I die, my writings will go on. They won’t be burned like my sister’s were. They are stored. The evidence is stored. I have much to do. Much to do. Much to live muxh to love much to give. I need to be free now. But I can’t be like this. And I really can’t lose another 7 years of my life… at this age? I have no one. My family ended when my sister died. My mom died too and I loved her so much and do… but my sister was like… the person who held my hand every night so I could sleep without night mares. We looked at blank walls imagining the colors of the wind while Pocahontas played on the boom box in the early 2000s. Hand in hand. Always. We fought, sure. But I wasn’t a sister to her like she was to me and we were teens when we last were close… and she just died… at 21. And she had so much potential. And she didn’t deserve to die alone in her apaortment. And not be looked for or found until days later. My life mirrors this in a chronic way rather than acute. Yet, I feel so much for her. I love her so much. And my full brother that ive done more for than anyone can know and my half siblings and step siblings don’t know or get me or agree to speak up (even say it should’ve been me and logically it seems correct… and I would give up my life for her) — even if kindly. They don’t agree to see beyond group thought — the collective. My sister was like me. And it hurts to know she is the person I’ve been looking for in soemone for years without actually knowing she was this person until lately. She was so much stronger. And I’m strong. But that weight that fell on me after? It made me use my Aquarius to hide behind helping others and my future but feel the guilt of everything while doijgn the good things and not caring for me hurt me… made me look “okay”. I wasn’t. And when I could grieve — especially after the thyroid hormone — for both my mom and sister at once, I had no one. It was too late. It’s been lonely and hard. But I need to be safe righr now to fix this all. To fix their legacies and create soemthing that will help so many people… to help so many people. I feel it is so close. I need help. It’s about protecting my crown chakra right now from these environments as I heal and am vulnerable from those who can hurt me and easily as I really care. Then, I hold their karma… and it’s bad. I can’t take time to do the other things while actively in this house fire. No. I can’t be told to relax as I sit here calming my nervous system to not set off my Addison’s. I’m in an impossible situation but it’s not for me. I am strategic but need a glass of water. I can’t have bystanders watching with popcorn or peoole telling me to smile or not be literally what every human would do… I’m not a superhero. I don’t know if people have no ability to think about the weight of my situation— even just the toxic apartmenr killing an out of state student for years and then my lethal condition oddly surviving it and years without treatment and surviving a deadly car accident that I do need treetament for and did get a tbi but was able to crawl out of my Chevy Spark from the big gmc truck with its grill inside my driver window saying GMC just above. I can’t be in these situations requiring energy. I can’t. I lost my last financial asset. I needed this for so many things. Apppoitnment. Safety zone of apartment, leaving scary places, getting things done. Surviving.

I need to find a way to survive this now. I don’t want to ask anymore for help. It’s too hard to ask when I just want to give.

This is a lot and I’m sorry. For those that read with Ann open mind and just believe me without doubting, you are truly wonderful beings through and through…

I need guidance or potentially a reading based on contingency with a couple of areas that could really… bring finances in… some faster than others. But these are the seeds planted that can be harvested with careful precision. Trust me. I truly know some things. I know this too. But I don’t know what to do first. I need like true guidance and clarity and this would require a lot but if you know what can be returned, it would be helpful for you too… as well as my gifts to you. I do have gifts. I do. Trust me.

Love and light,

Ri (or as my sister would say, ReeRee) <3

Trust me in that I have introspected and also in that I’ve been through the ringer of various abuses and feeling embarrassed for even having to be in these situations because I’d never let myself if I had any form of physical agency to help me. I am an independent person. A giver. Someone who attracts people who want to feel better. Someone who has attracted the possessive ones. I need to focus on myself, but my life was not built to make it as easy as it sounds. I need the logic, the structure, the clarity, for the motivation… I don’t make hormones — even neuro hormones — naturally. Oddly, I have survived the most dangerous and odd scenarios and have lived to tell the day… but not without the pains of these things physically and emotionally — all of which affect me more physically to then be nonfunctioning because I have secondary Addison’s disease and make zero cortisol and adrenaline. I literally take an epi pen before bed twice a month (my conditon is so rare that the science doesn’t exist yet but I have figured it out with my journalism and research background and want to help out so many people with so many things I’ve had to endure or see or have been told through my “downloads” of pure inspiration). The epi pen makes me sleepy bevause I don’t make cortsol, but if I take a small amount, I am safe to sleep and wake up feeling a bit more “normal”(whatever that feels like) after I take all of my medicines including cortisol (hydrocortisone). I say this because I don’t have the capacity to fight or flight and must tend to so many things right now that I am losing opportunities and the people I’m around are locking me in this cage… and I need my routine. I need my life. I had an idea of where I need to be but how I get there now? How I keep myself okay and gain some financial freedom to stop asking for help is what I need to not be in these situations and forced to explain myself so much and feel so exhausted just from that. My apartment was physically toxic (currents in as I pack), and my “friend’s” place is abusive toxic. I didn’t get to make those ride or die friendships due to my illness presenting far more than it was as a sophomore. My sister died suddenly a couple of weeks before I went to college (all with my own scholarships that I worked very hard for and sacrificed time with those I loved). I have always pushed to survive. Truly. I mean this to my core. I promise you. I promise you. I don’t know what normal is like or life is like but what I do know is what it shouldn’t be like. And I do know that I’ve had better before — I’ve been loved by my sister and my mom (both whom have passed). I am very much like my sister in ways I didn’t even know… and I never was okay growing up as I faked this life to have some sort of life at school as I tried to stay from home but be the exceptional kid no person could say wasn’t when my dad and step mom tried. I have always been empathetic. I have always cared. I truly hate asking as a giver. I hate it. I hate saying hate too. I want to not be in a situation of such discomfort when I can’t truly do the things I would do without this illness. I also must stop doinf this to my body. But I can’t do that… I can’t. Not when my life depends on it and my pets. I worked too hard and have too much to do and to prove and know exactly what I need for my body and sense of self and how I will nuture myself when I can… but I can’t if I’m in a situation and position with NO one. And no one owes me anytning even if I was in my home state as I’ve been a hermit dying on repeat for years… ignored when I finally asked for help but seen as crazy. I cannot express the amount of trials and tribulations I’ve experienced but can say that it’s definitely due to my crown chakra having so much vulnerability. I must stay away a bit more with what I know now but need financial freedom. I need to ground myself again and give myself the sense of peace that is possible — not complete but some. I need to know what to do righr now to not burn down more bridges… to GTFO and to be safe. To be alone. To be okay. To then work on myself better and heal my TBI and work on my writing a and goals and enthnography and maybe even apply for a fellowship… that could help me so much. A grant… my work is of years and contains so much that could potentially hurt me and has already if known by the wrong people. I need to find sanctuary to be able to show that I am what I say that I am… As a public figure and hopeful speaker and person, I need to maintain good standing in the face of the world. It does matter what people rhing. They don’t need to know all but those who are indirectly told of me by those who are spiteful of me… those who abuse me and bring me down and my vibrations — I thought I could do it and could’ve for 2-3 weeks but this is… not okay. I need to find clarity. My energy just went into this. I hope peoppe see that I’m not okay all the time. And I’m not sad all the time either as I can focus on my dreams, but I can’t… can’t postpone healing my physical conditions and residual effects of these evejets and my underlying condition any further. I need to fix this. Then, focus on the ultimate plans. But I need to do this and now. I need to be consistently okay for a fellowship. I need to show that I’m not crazy and never was. I need to help those who are wrongly characterized as this. I have much systemic change to do to help the greater good in ways I was taught through this experience, but this current one feels like it’s not a journey intended for me. Not now. I can’t take 10 classes at once at such an extreme level. I also can’t focus on the depths of relationships while I’m unable to have friendships and can’t have another summer go to waste due to literal entrapment. I mean this. I do. I just mean it. I can’t have more trauma. I know my limits. This is my limit. I’ve reached my limit. I need help now. I can’t even afford a $25 U-Haul for a harder solution versus the $140 U-Haul to make the drive to get the storage unit… and the gas with it. I owe money that I never have owed before. And some people really owe me a lot of money… I don’t know which area to pursue. Energy is required for each and stress. All have timelines. I need like immediate help.

*those who me presume my situation will truly only hurt my further. I have tried literally everything locally and through the state. The negligence lies with them. I now don’t have a car. I am very vulnerable as a small woman, as a young woman, as a friendly one, as a giver, as a person with zero resources, as a person with an illness that literally knocks them out to a lethal degree from stress and too much stimulation with these situations. It has all been used against me… the number of things required to keep me alive due to not repairing the underlying cause (to get this done has to come later after i stabilize myself and get legal for my many situations). I need to fix those things now before it’s too late. And then I can fix my own things at the same time and slowly work into routine. I do have some intuition and a weird way of knowing things too… but I also know what isn’t right for my situation and what is. I feel it within. I know. And this “knowing” helped me a lot with the illness… I’m an anomaly with that alone. But it’s put me in so many situations because I don’t have a support system. Only men are willing to help. I can’t take the fear of women my age… I just can sense it all and their judgements and don’t want to feel that too. It’s all around hard. I need help. I hope peoole see that I am more than this… that I missed a pivot point in June due to my clarity requests being vague vague vague. We all are human and want to survive, but I am drowning. That is the difference. I usually reference it to being in a house fire… but both feel very relevant.

If it helps, I have an odd birth chart. I have two golden yods. My charts hits nearly every house. One golden yod is the black Lilith moon. My Aquarius Rising (and south node) is in the 12th house but cusps the first house very closely. My Pisces is fully submerged within the 1st house with part of my Aquarius and Aries on the other side. My sun sign In Gemini in the 4th and 3rd houses. Many points hit the third house. Some may see the fourth house has a point by a degree… it depends. My first house is the same with no points but the rising literally one point away… it’s often missed and I’m seen as a Pisces rising when I’m not. My 11th house is completely Capricorn but the Capricorn goes into the 12th house too with my Aquarius that holds my ascendant and South node in this house. My Virgo Moon Sign is fully submerged within the 7th house but unlike the Pisces, it’s very very very active. My Virgo moon and Gemini sun are both ruled by mercury. My north node is in Leo. My golden yods both got massively in Sagittarius. Though, my 10th house holds the Sagittarius completely and my midheaven is on th cusp of the 10th and 9th house that holds the other portion Sagittarius with the scorpio holding the other half of this 9th house but it has many points of contact. My midheaven is in the 10th barley. Just like how the 1st house is a degree from many but still holds significance with the detachment of the Aquarius fully submerged by the Pisces and it being my rising. The 11th house in Capricorn is the only one that doesn’t have points that come close. I’m a double air sign… I always described my Gemini growing up for the twins to be a Pisces and a Leo if they could be anytning… my two full siblings hold importance here because my sister’s sun sign is in Aquarius. And my brother’s sun sign is in Virgo. That makes my other two of my sun sign in Gemini. My sister was a huge part of my life as I lived a life in extreme pain but didn’t know it and soon my brain turned off those pains after my younger years of being told I was these bad things… I have always been extremely empathetic too the point of nausea. I feel this most when in tune with myself and when my hormones are aligned. As a child, even at 3, I remember telling this babysitter to take me instead of my little brother… he has a gun. He was like 18-19… I think? My sister has it written in a notebook. She was a writer too. We are eerily similar and I didn’t know this due to life being avout survival always. Also, my sun sign made it look like we weren’t. I also took on her roles when she died… she was born in my south node of Aquarius and died in my north node of Leo. I have always tried to grow and catch up since my health declined especially around puberty… but also due to home life. I wanted to be like my peers. But I have such depth that it’s hard to relate. I would start understanding this as I got holder and thought it was from circumstances of life. But no… it was more. I’ve always felt connected. But then without hormones, it was harder. With them back, as they are finicky now with the HRT as I’m in temporary situations and stressed situations and very little routine that I need in the very least to focus on to ground myself, I envy the wind. I want to be with the butterflies. I want to run outside. I want to swim in poetry. I have so many creative ideas and things that would fuel my heart but also… I have a mission… and if I could do even a little of those passions… to write for pleasure and read for pleasure and “be one with the wind” as I would say. I “controlled the wind” I thought (I am a double air but my moon is earth and my yods press in sag fire with my planets hitting that Pisces in the first house submerged of my identity… but the wind does soemthing to me. It does something. And that’s hardly a nutshell of my life and hopefully some… JUST SOME resonates with anyone with the ability to offer clarity… I can do the rest. I need to know the specific path. I have ideas. I need to know which. It’s like too many flavors at an ice cream shop but each requiring a different conversion to convince them to reopen a new ice cream bin despite it being unconventional by this time of day (idek tbh how to say it… I need time and energy focused on that path to strategize and find a way in like a window because the doors aren’t closed but I can always find a way… and I can make a lesson from it… and that’s what I do with my writing to help others in situations that parallel. Even if I die, my writings will go on. They won’t be burned like my sister’s were. They are stored. The evidence is stored. I have much to do. Much to do. Much to live muxh to love much to give. I need to be free now. But I can’t be like this. And I really can’t lose another 7 years of my life… at this age? I have no one. My family ended when my sister died. My mom died too and I loved her so much and do… but my sister was like… the person who held my hand every night so I could sleep without night mares. We looked at blank walls imagining the colors of the wind while Pocahontas played on the boom box in the early 2000s. Hand in hand. Always. We fought, sure. But I wasn’t a sister to her like she was to me and we were teens when we last were close… and she just died… at 21. And she had so much potential. And she didn’t deserve to die alone in her apaortment. And not be looked for or found until days later. My life mirrors this in a chronic way rather than acute. Yet, I feel so much for her. I love her so much. And my full brother that ive done more for than anyone can know and my half siblings and step siblings don’t know or get me or agree to speak up — even if kindly. They don’t agree to see beyond group thought — the collective. My sister was like me. And it hurts to know she is the person I’ve been looking for in soemone for years without actually knowing she was this person until lately. She was so much stronger. And I’m strong. But that weight that fell on me after? It made me use my Aquarius to hide behind helping others and my future but feel the guilt of everything while doijgn the good things and not caring for me hurt me… made me look “okay”. I wasn’t. And when I could grieve — especially after the thyroid hormone — for both my mom and sister at once, I had no one. It was too late. It’s been lonely and hard. But I need to be safe righr now to fix this all. To fix their legacies and create soemthing that will help so many people… to help so many people. I feel it is so close. I need help. It’s about protecting my crown chakra right now from these environments as I heal and am vulnerable from those who can hurt me and easily as I really care. Then, I hold their karma… and it’s bad. I can’t take time to do the other things while actively in this house fire. No. I can’t be told to relax as I sit here calming my nervous system to not set off my Addison’s. I’m in an impossible situation but it’s not for me. I am strategic but need a glass of water. I can’t have bystanders watching with popcorn or peoole telling me to smile or not be literally what every human would do… I’m not a superhero. I don’t know if people have no ability to think about the weight of my situation— even just the toxic apartmenr killing an out of state student for years and then my lethal condition oddly surviving it and years without treatment and surviving a deadly car accident that I do need treetament for and did get a tbi but was able to crawl out of my Chevy Spark from the big gmc truck with its grill inside my driver window saying GMC just above. I can’t be in these situations requiring energy. I can’t. I lost my last financial asset. I needed this for so many things. Apppoitnment. Safety zone of apartment, leaving scary places, getting things done. Surviving.

I need to find a way to survive this now. I don’t want to ask anymore for help. It’s too hard to ask when I just want to give.

This is a lot and I’m sorry. For those that read with Ann open mind and just believe me without doubting, you are truly wonderful beings through and through…

I need guidance or potentially a reading based on contingency with a couple of areas that could really… bring finances in… some faster than others. But these are the seeds planted that can be harvested with careful precision. Trust me. I truly know some things. I know this too. But I don’t know what to do first. I need like true guidance and clarity and this would require a lot but if you know what can be returned, it would be helpful for you too… as well as my gifts to you. I do have gifts. I do. Trust me.

Love and light,

Ri (or as my sister would say, ReeRee) <3

Hey, everyone. I’m going through a really rough time. I need help and guidance and actually clarity — not vague responses or cards. I need a clairvoyant.

I currently have no resources. I have so little left to my name. I have so much going on that it’s a lot for anyone to witness… but imagine me… I’m alone in this and this isn’t something that i specifically caused — it’s me suffering the consequences of the doctors that failed to treat me, the person who hit me, the emergency services in various locations of Minnesota… I just came here for school and while I’ve always been alone and suffered a lot of trauma before, I m was a 4.0 student and pushed myself but then? I lived the same days over and over as I tried to prove my sanity as I was losing it. Then, it got worse when I lived in a place that actively made me ill.

There was a bogus hearing that is against the law but I don’t have the energy to be my own lawyer because I had a million things happening and was severely concussed and still am. I lost my boyfriend to this… I lost friends to this… I lost the things I just gained to make me feel human for once to this… I am really hurt in various ways. My friend just died in an accident two days ago too and I just feel so uncomfortable asking for help but I shouldn’t be in this situation anyways. I was made sick in this place and left to die. I have so much proof that this is illegal. And the court system doesn’t like me because they are right behind me and have seen me beg for help and no one listen when I was younger. I have been hurt in every way possible yet I stand still trying. I am trying but I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to lose this fight that took most of my 20s. I need someone to help me now as I am navigating the lowest level of the hierarchy of needs with the top. Every pillar is gone. I dont have a car, i dont have the funds, i truly dont know what to do. I dont know what to do and mo one is clear with me about this. I know i need to take care of myself but i have addisons disease (part of something so much bigger) which is set off by stress and cant if i have this happening. I know i need a stable home but how if this now wrongly marked my record? I have tried to escape for years. It has hurt me in many ways that justice for it all is impossible but right now, i just need survival. I need finances but how? Can someone help me navigate this as we speak and recreate the future so it’s one that benefits me this time? Every past reading has been not correct. It gave false hope. It was believed and surely that could have happened, but I want to make this happen now. Can we please make this happen so I can stop needing help from anyone? I don’t want to ask for help from anyone. I just need one mod here to hear me and want to push themselves too and see my spirit and know that I am telling the truth. I won’t break my word. Similar to a lawyer or a realtor, I can make the sale and give the percentage of the profits. I just need help now. Like now now. @mods please message me!

If anyone is doing reading or intuitive work, this is something I think needs more awareness:

Most readers are reading energy — not the soul, not the spirit.

To be fair, energy is the easiest thing to access—but it’s also the most inconsistent. It shifts throughout the day based on hormones, health, stress, environment, and what someone has been experiencing recently.

And energy is the least reliable layer to base a reading on because it’s constantly changing. Hormones, health, stress, environment, even what someone has experienced that same day—all of it affects energy.

So when you read someone’s energy and treat it like it reflects their path or future, you’re usually just reading a moment.

Aura is the same way. It’s not fixed—it’s more like tinted glasses that shift depending on what’s going on internally and externally.

For example, I have a treatable pituitary condition. When one hormone is off, everything is off. My energy fluctuates a lot because of that. But in readings, people would interpret that as instability in my direction or mindset instead of recognizing it as context.

And that’s the issue—context gets ignored.

Especially for people in survival mode. Not everyone has routine. Not everyone is operating from a stable baseline.
I’ve also had readings default to “your mindset is off” or “you’re cloudy,” when I already knew there was a physical issue involved. It can feel validating—but validation isn’t the point of a reading. Discovery is.

So, this is when you’re often reading a moment—not the person. This might be what they want, but if they are asking deeper questions… the ones that are “too heavy?”, this is from being unheard from the person, a lack of practice to reading the spirit, an inability to separate feelings like with bubbling, and not understanding how to break it all down. It makes sense why.

Tarot cards are heavily used but the patterns to the cards are mot often understood. The reason for the cards are also not often understood. These divination tools are tools for those with gifts that have a door wide open to access information of plenty — people who have already experienced the dark night of the soul one way or another, yet the cards are too often used as a Google search bar now — the answer. Not a tool to channel one’s ideas.

The next best thing to read is the soul. This is a deeper and better layer to look at. It gives more insight into someone’s emotional state, patterns, and how they’re processing their experiences. But even that can be influenced by what someone is actively going through.

However, the spirit? — that’s the key. This reflects the deeper essence. The life path. Who someone is beyond their current circumstances, mood, or temporary disruptions.

Another layer people miss is decision-making.

Some people don’t struggle with big choices—they struggle with the small, ‘normal’ choices. When you’re wired to constantly weigh outcomes and minimize harm, even something small—like choosing a new ice cream flavor—can feel overwhelming because you’re automatically calculating trade-offs.

That’s not confusion.

That’s conditioning.

This is where the distinction actually matters:

Energy = what’s happening right now (constantly changing, reactive).

Soul = the human expression of the spirit (how it’s showing up through personality, emotion, behavior, and lived experience).

Spirit = the core essence, the path, who someone is beyond current circumstances and timeline.
The soul gives you more than energy—but the spirit is the key.

Because if you’re not anchoring a reading in the spirit, you’re still interpreting something that can be influenced by circumstances.

And the most accurate readings, in my opinion, come from being able to distinguish between all three?
(body / energy & aura, mind / soul, & the spirit):

1. What is their energy right now (today, this week, this season)?
2. What is their soul processing and expressing?
3. And what does their spirit actually indicate about who they are and where they’re going?

Because those answers won’t always match—and that’s where misinterpretation happens.

This is especially important for people whose energy fluctuates a lot due to health or life circumstances. If you read their energy without zooming out, you can end up projecting instability, confusion, or misalignment onto them when that’s not actually reflective of their path.

And if that’s hard to access directly if not done already, this is where working with your own guides can help—especially when someone’s energy is inconsistent or noisy.

Bringing me into the next lesser talked realm of readings: you don’t always have to rely on your own lens alone.

Working with your spirit guides (or what your gifts currently allow you personally to connect to — practicing is helpful) can then help you look beyond the surface and find clearer answers for someone else. Especially when their energy is noisy or inconsistent.

Otherwise, you’re just interpreting symptoms as identity…And that’s how people get told they’re misaligned or off-path when they’re actually dealing with something deeper—sometimes physical, sometimes situational, sometimes temporary.

When readers don’t look past that first layer, it can do more harm than not reading at all…

Especially for people dealing with invisible battles. That kind of misunderstanding adds a level of isolation most people don’t even realize they’re contributing to.

Energy is the entry point.

The soul adds context.

But the spirit is what brings clarity.

This is an opportunity for growth for most people, myself too! We should never stop growing in this area, even if we think we have reached the peak… there is no peak here.

*you may see some people asking to look at their spirit and not their energy. This is because they’ve been here and know where the “x” is on the treasure map but cannot get access for whatever of the many reasons. They also know from their experiences.

Hey everyone! 🦋👋🏽

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the metaphysics of time, human choice, and readings. It seems like most traditional readings focus heavily on energy, auras, or fixed predictions—but they completely forget about human agency.

Here is my take: If a person is stagnant and just doing the same things every day, their future is highly predictable. It will likely happen exactly the way a psychic sees it. But if someone is actively focused on growth and making different decisions, their timeline is constantly changing. The spirit remains, but the trajectory shifts.

Because of this, I’m not looking for someone to tell me a fixed fate. I want to find a practitioner who looks at the different branching outcomes based on my choices, and helps me identify the absolute best one.

I essentially want to know:

• What is the highest possible outcome?
• What specific things should I change to align with it?
• What things should I not change (staying true to myself) to reach it?

One major caveat: I am not looking for tarot alone for those (me included) who need them to have messages come through for intuitive-based readings. I’m more specifically interested in those who only need the cards to help decipher what to say amongst so much “future”.

In sum, I am looking more for direct timeline reading — similar to the pick-a-path books but a type of reading (#iykyk) with use of many tools but guided first by their open eye (e.g. Akashic Records, quantum mapping, or direct clairvoyance) that deals strictly with timelines and probabilities as one who is gifted in any sense but without using cards for ideas — only if the ideas are there and they need help understanding them (those who those who get it will get it, I hope!).

Has anyone found anyone in practice who works like this? What specific modalities or search terms did you use to find them? I don't want to just be told what my current energy is — I want the strategic map of what to adjust and what to hold onto because I’m always growing and pushing and pulling.

Preferably if that person messages me privately and is drawn to this. I can’t afford much. I’ve been scammed when most sick, and I am falling ill again without one hormone.

Too many areas need tending, so how would one fix this finally once and for all? I’ve heard of these readers, and I do have abilities, but the amount of stress clouds my mind significantly. I’d love to hear your insight.

Drop your experiences dm me or any recommendations below!👇🏽🌀🤍✨

*If reading or looking, pls look beyond my energy to my spirit as my aura will be up and down without homeostasis of my hormones (i have a healable pituitary disease and one hormone disruption leads to all — many areas of life have been affected and I’ve had yet to live my life out of free choice rather than weighing out the outcome that will hurt the less people).

Hey everyone! 🦋👋🏽

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the metaphysics of time, human choice, and readings. It seems like most traditional readings focus heavily on energy, auras, or fixed predictions—but they completely forget about human agency.

Here is my take: If a person is stagnant and just doing the same things every day, their future is highly predictable. It will likely happen exactly the way a psychic sees it. But if someone is actively focused on growth and making different decisions, their timeline is constantly changing. The spirit remains, but the trajectory shifts.

Because of this, I’m not looking for someone to tell me a fixed fate. I want to find a practitioner who looks at the different branching outcomes based on my choices, and helps me identify the absolute best one.

I essentially want to know:

• What is the highest possible outcome?
• What specific things should I change to align with it?
• What things should I not change (staying true to myself) to reach it?

One major caveat: I am not looking for Tarot for people to get intuitive-based readings. Im more interested in those who only need the cards to help decipher what to say amongst so much “future”.

I am looking for direct timeline reading — pick a pack type of readings within many tools but guided first by their open eye (e.g. Akashic Records, quantum mapping, or direct clairvoyance) that deals strictly with timelines and probabilities as one who is gifted in any sense but without using cards for ideas — only if the ideas are there and they need help understanding them (those who get it will get it, I hope!).

Has anyone found a practitioner who works like this? What specific modalities or search terms did you use to find them? I don't want to just be told what my current energy is—I want the strategic map of what to adjust and what to hold onto because I’m always growing and pushing and pulling.

Preferably if that person messages me privately and is drawn to this. I can’t afford much. I’ve been scammed when most sick, and I am falling ill again without one hormone.

Too many areas need tending, so how would one fix this finally once and for all? I’ve heard of these readers, and I do have abilities, but the amount of stress clouds my mind significantly. I’d love to hear your insight.

Drop your experiences dm me or any recommendations below!👇🏽

*if anyone chooses to attempt to read or look, people often tend to at the energy rather than the spirit. The energy is changing all day. Hormones are a huge part of that too. Some could have health issues blocking the way their energy moves or using it too much. Attempting to look beyond energy to the spirit is critical for readings. An aura is every changing like tinted glasses. For example, my aura will be up and down without homeostasis of my hormones (i have a healable pituitary disease and one hormone disruption leads to all). Readings were hard as people tried to look at the near future by reading my energy as if my surroundings were not part of my energy and as if I had a specific routine. For those in survival mode, many don’t. We should treat every person as if they have a plan and look beyond that first veil — beyond the cover of the book. Another example would be that many areas of life have been affected due a condition that I knew was treatable and knew wasn’t idiopathic (when I got that far to even have that), but I was constantly told what I knew: my mindset was off, mind was cloudy, etc. Did it feel validating? Yes. But we often forget that the point of a reading isn’t for validation but for discovery.

Humans have free choice and a lot more of us will run into those “disrupters” and a lot more people are disrupters that we think. Those that don’t get the benefit to have routine and fall into old ways bevsuxe they haven’t ever made a decision that wasn’t for the better good (e.g why something as simple as choosing a new ice cream flavor is too much because I don’t want to weigh out the trade offs). My life has been lived out of free choice of weighing the outcome that will hurt less people and also try to progress.

Look towards the spirit, friends. And if you can’t, look towards your guides. The spirit and the soul — though different as one represents the physical person’s morality… but the other is the life mission… you without the timeline. The essence. The plan. The soul may help with understanding someone’s character beyond how they may be acting now — like a dog with a stick stuck in his paw or that has been abused… it will bark when it feels cornered and get defensive for a pet even if people mean well. Again I speak from experience. People who do not look further hurt more than asking at all. It is probably the most of the loneliness that comes with trying to survive an invisible battle.

Here is the issue:

(This mentions legal and financial issues but not help with them: it’s for context.)

This person became my person and while dysfunctional, we brought lots of sunshine to each other’s lives. It wasn’t until I had to focus on time sensitive things that became worse that he went back to his old ways and started being all over.

He is 36M and I just turned 27F. I really am suffering. I can’t have people just disappear and it makes me feel like I’m worth nothing and he knows that and knows me better than anyone in the world with my situation and my illness. I need to understand if he hates me, why he hates me, what I can do (if anything) to fix this in favor of the situation so I can go back to not being stressed with my Addison’s disease.

I’ve done this alone for years — my whole life has been survival and no one seeing me and understanding me. I’m ready to live. I have done this medical thing since 20. I have been seen as all sorts of things as I navigated this alone. I forced myself into isolation to protect my future and friends and rep. I was gone too long and ended up doing it all anyways…

I was holding so much for years before too with much loss and have never lived. I have only survived. I want to be loved but want to understand if he at least cares about me. Someone… his heart is there. I have gifts when grounded and not stressed. He is not okay deep down from hurts he never had fixed. I feel them. He does too. He knows deep down. I wasn’t okay either and haven’t been but was able to put him first for a while until the clock ticked more. It affected us this last week a lot. And so has the lack of my estrogel HRT to balance my hormones. This is at home.

In sum, don’t know what to do. He lies a lot a lot. But he was getting better. I genuinely wanted to make it work even if it wasn’t perfect. I did. But he is acting like I’m nothing after acting like I was everything. I’m so hurt. I’m so hurt. It was just after I told him all the things about my life too that I never tell. And I thought he would care and not be so self righteous in the morning like wanting me to take care of him while he tells the world he does that only for me rather than us doing that together. Please! I have so many pivotal things happening that could change my path for the first time in my life. Please help me get this. I’m so hurt. I’m so hurt. I’m going to lose more people acting like this. I can’t fake being okay with Addison’s disease and without my estrogen.

Can anyone get through to him? Or how can I (if I can) get through to him and then to speak to me at least… so, he can keep his word, clear things up with what shouldn’t have happened, and open up to understand one another so we don’t end with this anger.

We spent more time together than anyone on this earth has with me. I have never done that. Please. I can’t go back to being alone. I can’t. I’m trying on the small hope that things will work… and for obligations. For others.

I have a landlord thing on Monday about my apartment… too many things and being alone with it with my condition makes me terrified. He made it safe. Not always emotionally, but that was for a different day. Hierarchy of needs. I also way in a terrible accident in April and have no way to get anywhere.

Also, time sensitive for my nerves, condition, and case, but also because he tends to lie to himself and will believe it more as time passes. He spreads false information about many and me to make him look better. He insides context. He isn’t trying to be narcissistic but was raised this was. He is older but no one has ever said a thing to him about it until me. Im great at the shamaning thing (great timing pluto retrograde in Aquarius), but I emphasis the good too. He is also good at reading people but not me. He is good at putting on a show though for other and lying… too good. He believes jt sometimes too but finally acknowledges it. Also, he is spiritual too but more religious and needs this for grounding. I didn’t think at first, but now I know that he needs this. Also, he is an empath but the best way to describe it is as a lost empath.

I know this is a lot… it’s a lot more too. I need to know what to do right now with him. What he is thinking… and what happening.

But… please please please for the sake of my sanity (without him, it will not stop for me — I already feel unloved after my parents this last week, as well as my family this last year).

Can we stop the lying? He lies so much. Also, while I want him and to understand what is happening and has happened to fix it due to my future (I’m not working this hard for nothing and haven’t for this long), I do also need him for this thing on Monday and the next week. But after? I know my personality will recover to not grind stress in a negative way. It will be better. Please. Even if he doesn’t see that, I’ll have agency. Autonomy. At least a little.

Please believe me in that I want to help people with my life and help him. I feel this to be real. But I need him to keep his promises… and also clear my name that he has started to tarnish, as well as show up for the hearing, explain to me what is happening and what happened, as well as fix the things he did, and help me get out like he promised — and let me apologize too. I am sorry for being so stressed. For not giving him more attention. But I needed love too. I did. But I think he tried and I should’ve been better. Though, I need him everyone. He is the proxy of this. I’m so scared. He won’t answer the calls of those we tried to get to help me. Please help in any way (so so sorry for this being a lot).

How do you reclaim your spiritual senses?
(TL;DR at bottom)

I’m torn. As an energetically sensitive person, I want to have a family so bad. I want to be loved. I find myself longing to be home, but my home is not the same. I’m bullied by my older siblings. I’m treated poorly. I’ve always been the energetic scapegoat. I’ve always been projected onto as the problem. For a while, my energy was shining too bright for once to not be a problem and I was overcoming so many things. Now? I’m just... the problem. I’m not loved like the others. I have begged for help. My life has been so much individual sacrifice and intuitively seeing things others cannot comprehend, and always making sure others have enough energy and support even if I don’t get any… I am never seen. I am never seen for my true spirit by those who should love me and it wouldn’t matter so much if I was succeeding and not in such dire circumstances that make it look like I'm avoiding and uncaring. I care so much that I wait to have the time. I try so hard to show up. I do it all. My 2000% looks like a 10% to others. I have always made sure everyone was taken care of. I just wish my energy was protected and taken care of too. I wish even more that I wasn’t blamed for things I literally know I tried everything and hurt my very soul in doing everything for everyone else when I was suffering spiritually.

My thoughts that run through my mind after years of this and being alone for the most part and getting worse and losing all parts of my self, though becoming more spiritual than ever during this isolation: Will my true aura and spirit ever be seen for me? Will I ever attract love in the ways that matter — unconditionally? Like will I ever be someone worth more than the energy I bring to the table and my comedy? Will anyone realize I was left for dead? That I’ve fought alone. That I have so many ambitions? That I have forced myself alone because I knew I was a burden due to my undiagnosed health and situation? I took care of everyone and no one cared about me. I want to be loved. I am exhausted with the heavy, draining energy of drama. I am exhausted. I am no longer allowing myself to be an energetic punching bag and/or scapegoat for all to use.

But to be honest still, it hurts very bad to be without anyone… I will always hope that the “Where’s Waldo” feeling I have for the good in one will appear (many have that Waldo), but I now would rather suffer than ask for help again after this first really professional time — every other time I was in the fire; this time, I was avoiding it.

My current situation is like being told to smile and be happy in a burning building while people eat popcorn, drink water, and enjoy the view… the fire is the life that was set up by a match I feel the Universe ultimately lit to avoid me getting sicker and forcing me to look at what at wouldn’t… but it kept happening, and while I learned, I was so naive again… like I was a child again due to fixing some very chronic diseases from an overcasting condition that would’ve prevented this all if my mom wasn’t ignored, CPS did their job, we were left to be safe, I didn’t have so many surviving techniques learned so young, my mom wouldn’t have died, my sister wouldn’t have died, I wouldn’t have lost my YA life or many of my 20s, I would’ve had friends for a lifetime. I worked hard while so sick that no one could believe I had what I had. No one… only the tests proved it. I thank my guides for their help… but like most people, I miss people. But home? It feels like every time I go, I expect to see people that were there when I initially moved to college almost two states away. Everyone maternal died so quickly at 18 days before or during the school year. My mother at 12-13.

My North Node is in Leo. Most would think that I’m a Leo or Pisces. I always thought my Gemini twins are those — but I think my Aquarius rising is a perfect example, as well as my Virgo moon for the same duality contrasting combo. Though, my South Node is Aquarius (I love Aquarius sun sign peopleeee). According to my chart, I must reach my North Node at Leo though, and the time is now. I feel this evidently and through my body.

Though, it’s not so simple. I was actually ready to let go of the past to move forward. I was. But I have to be dutiful for my sister and mother… I can’t fall back into letting my parents wield power over me. My parents and two older half sisters a decade older than me have hurt me so much and so much as of late during some incredibly traumatic times of my life — which truly says something if you knew — reopening everything I spent years to fix. Despite me putting down my pride to ask for help from people who talk poorly only of me, they use the idea of helping me in a crisis that they left me in at 20 when they knew it was bad…and after the apartment was becoming unhealthy and even worse due to the Addison’s Disease — aka Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency (comes with the package deal of panhypopituitarism)… I mean, I had to be on home oxygen. I didn’t know the environment was a problem still due to being so unwell in various areas… but I do now. I still am not “healed” in various ways, but I see the solutions. I just don’t have the bridge. My pride was all I had… so, I humiliated myself for their pleasure.

If I look as a journalist, objectively, I see the sheer volume of what I’ve had to manage, the energetic output required, the trade offs, the options had versus the decision made — and only to do it all to not be a bother and protect everyone after each tragedy and many deaths… to make sure it was never prolonged — yet, the math is clear: I have been operating at maximum capacity my entire life. I don’t know what it means to live. I only know survival and some moments of joy.

A man that I’m speaking to is around the age of my big sisters… He called them on behalf of my while my dad let him say what he says about me not being good enough… yes, me. They were able to chat it up… my dad likes that there is a man because my parents think I need a caregiver essential (not said but kinda obvious — “to look after me and not get into bad situations and to eat”, which I EAT — the chronic and acute hypothyroidism makes me look my mom’s side of the family and my brother and my half little sister). Regardless, they are so believing in this “I don’t have “the ability to take care of myself and am crazy”. However, they have put me in so many scary situations by not being there.

Though, I am a strong person. No one would ever know though. I have mastered it too well even for myself to stop it. I’m too strong. Too seemingly okay. But my pride to my parents? That’s the only thing… I don’t ask for help unless I’m desperate. It’s always been support like moral support requests. They don’t care. I have forgiven them when they showed true kindness and have apologized… but they take it back. They retract like a rubber band. Everyone has false stories and information from one person and then those feed this energy into that person (step mom) to get in good graces with my father. I just wish I had the pure connection I once shared with my mom and sister and grandma. People always say the good ones passed, but they treated them like trash. They would for me if I didn’t push as hard as I did. But I’m still in the largest pivot point ever… and I just wish I had the people I knew first who truly loved me and empathized. I wish. I wish. I wish. My sister and mother had the gifts I had even with writing (when I actually write to try to be well).

I have been carrying a massive load my whole life promising it would be better but each birthday marks little change and makes it hard to be happy (especially with no serotonin production and not due to pharmaceuticals and not because of them because I don’t take them), but now is the pivot point. Between the deaths of my family I knew for so long, the realizations of the pain I really experienced as an adult looking in, pushing through school to finish with illness, finding the illness, being put through the worst situations…, knowing a cure exists but with no way to get it right now, the baseline for simply managing a day-to-day requires monumental effort.

The people who aren't in the trenches hardly see the invisible weight of one’s ambitions, let alone the emotional toll of being forced into the role of (a RETIRED AND NO LONGER, UNIVERSE!) reusable scapegoat — especially in family — despite originally being the one who held the golden cross around my neck of family prosperity. Family dynamics often trap us in roles we outgrew long ago. As someone who actively engages in shadow work and understands energetic alignments, I know exactly how draining it is to shrink one’s true self to fit into someone else's comfortable, outdated narrative of who I am — for the mold too easily given as a child that was wrongly defined. I recognized the misalignment years ago… I understood why I felt so poorly with this and questioned why it was so easy to choose me to hurt or blame or make fun of. This acute awareness many of us have makes the friction hurt even more

When pouring that much energy into building a future foundation — the default most get — while ensuring my pets are cared for / we are all safe, I am physically and spiritually exhausted. I still have to maintain treatments and fight so many systems and have continued to lose more and more of what I love and cherish.

The people who aren't in the trenches hardly see the invisible weight of one’s ambitions, let alone the emotional toll of being forced into the role as a (RETIRED AND NO LONGER, UNIVERSE!) reusable scapegoat — especially in family — despite originally being the one who held the golden cross around my neck of family prosperity. Family dynamics often trap us in roles we outgrew long ago. As someone who actively engages in shadow work and understands energetic alignments, I know exactly how draining it is to shrink one’s true self to fit into someone else's comfortable, outdated narrative of who I am — for the mold too easily given as a child that was wrongly defined. But I recognized the misalignment years ago… I understood why I felt so poorly with this and questioned why it was so easy to choose me to hurt or blame or make fun of.

Many of us have this acute awareness that makes the friction hurt even more — especially when being a giver and empath that helps everyone else as it affects your suffering in magnitudes and spiritually in mirroring ways.

So, I was sad when this started, but I will be damned to let anyone tell me what I lived… that 2000% is real, even if those around refuse to see it. I know that it is okay to be tired and that it is okay to demand a space where you can just breathe without being judged… I just question if the universe wanted me to have that because I’ve been far too good to be like this. I had to take years to feel this way. People make me doubt this growth, but it’s true. I like who I am. People just don’t know who I am… situations have impacted that.

It’s going to sound so cocky and wrong without context of this all… but I swear on my being that I know I’m not in the wrong. I try too hard to do the right thing and keep the peace energetically. I tried too hard in isolation and went through the grief of these deaths alone (treating hypothyroidism really helped with so much and connecting my heart to my head… I felt before but never my own pains — I could only cry through another’s tragedy). The point? I have never not tried. I have always bent over backward for them. I actually try too hard and all the time… but I never try for me. This is something that I know for sure. And I am so hurt by it… so hurt that my true soul can’t be seen for me.

TL;DR
My question for this community: How do you reclaim your spiritual senses and protect your energy after being the family/group scapegoat and without a support system? Young women out there without a family, how are you able to be you when you need help and can’t get it unless you give up pieces of yourself? Has anyone else had to shut down their intuition just to survive these dynamics, and how do you heal that energetic wound so you can finally be seen?