u/whisker_white

I have been banned from the masturbation metaphor club 😞.

"proceed with caution, they are in possession of an olfactory organ!" exclaimed the member of the police force, who then proceeded to discharge their firearm into mine body twothousandsevenhundredandsixtythree times.

"Oui, das is an bad thing," said Jack-Jacques Jakobs, the cop who was in charge of all of these cases and always wore his favorite pair of ripped jean- wait a minute...

"No sir, I said that a car hit your head," said the doctor, who looked remarkably like a fish but wasn't actually a fish, while trying to jog my memory after my traumatic accident by giving me some of my favorite food (shrimp fried rice).

I had accidentally ordered pork 🥴

It was a voice message that lasted for seventeen hours and was mostly filled with my "friend's" eating noises from when he devoured the last crabs on earth (this story took place in a world where there were only very few crabs left on earth and they were very, very sexy).

I forgot :(

"Whicka whicka whick," said the creature recordscratchnoisily as it devoured M&M (don't know how to spell his name, but you know, The rapper guy).

"Haha, good one Michael," said his friend, Johnny "Good one" Michaels, but Michael wasn't joking this time, and the thing that was it killed them (black tar heroin).

Worn 😞

"I have ein secret to tellen you," said Hans, who then proceeded to take off his amazingly stylish and fitting hair piece, which means that he must have shaved his head to show me solidarity, since I recently lost my hair to a freakishly tall german barber who was apparently stealing people's hair to make his own stylish and fitting hair systems - god I love that man (homoerotically).

I was having a heart attack because I had been drinking too many energy drinks lately (Red Bull) and the Monster (The Masturbating Minotaur) whom I'd been drinking (guzzling down his piss by the gallon straight from the sweet, sweet, warm, pulsating tap) immediately noticed my symptoms and got me help (checked me into piss-drinking rehab which is called that because energy drinks taste almost like piss [nothing can beat the original tho]), where they treated my addiction by substituting the Red Bull with hard liquor and finger painting.

Now I'm a proud mother of 52 and my children are all "mine" hihi (they died while mining coal.)

But it was actually a Creature Award, and the creature I was awarded was not friendly (bit my arm off and insulted my hair system).

But the bunny really loved to read and proceeded to talk to me about how it's friend Mike was "a natty", "uncut", and "high T", while it was only a "femboy", so I made some nice ragout 😋. (I got estrogen poisoning because it was so pumped up on E)

"The circle begins anew, although with the tiniest of differences that, hopefully, in thousands of years, will add up and put a stop to this endless violence," said The Cheese worm, beingeatenly, as the circle began anew, although with little differences that would maybe end the violence one day in the far future.

He was at his computer typing one sentence that went like "I bent down to pet my dog" and a second sentence that went "But I realized I don't own a dog and it was a frog instead and I'm afraid of frogs so I had a heart attack and fucking died. Also, hyper realistic blood splattered everywhere and I died again from that as well," and, as he was taking his last breath, he was chastised by reddit user u/whisker_white for writing more than two sentences, even though it was two sentences (the period was just in the middle of the body text), because u/whisker_white can't read (I did it again, sorry).

"We will never lay down our weapons as long as even a single worm crawls the earth," said the representative of TSAHGC™, while destroying the entire world and putting an end to this senseless conflict, which, I guess was nice, but a bit extreme.

"Do not worry Mr. Worm, we hold no ill will against you," said Mama Swallow^(©) lyingly, as she had already started a gardening business with the goal of eradicating all earth worms on earth, and all Meat Worms also on earth, thus starting a generational conflict that would last till the present day (this story was set on the 25th of September 1483, one day after the second defenestration of Prague, in Prague).

He then started to eat The Swallower™ alive from the inside, and when he emerged from the body, he had to come back to a sub that had already moved on from him 😞.