Bracing myself for sitting outside the temple at my daughter’s wedding
My daughter is getting married on Saturday. Up until a year ago, I was 100% Mormon. Primary president, YW president, never missed church. I went down the rabbit hole last year and now wonder how I ever believed any of it. My daughter is a BYU student and is only 19. I told my kids a few months ago that I no longer believe and I haven’t been to church since February (when my other daughter got home from her mission😳).
I’m just trying to prepare myself for what it’s going to be like to watch my parents and my siblings and my ex-husband who cheated on me and hasn’t been very present for my kids until recently) all get to go in the temple with her while I’m sitting outside. I’m the only one in my whole family to leave and this is the first time I will have been unable to go in the temple or even be around any of them since I stopped believing. I’m just angry. I was a SAHM for most of my daughter’s life and have been there for her at every game, recital, event, etc. And now she’s getting married and I can’t be there. How did I never see how absolutely evil that is to exclude people that way?!? And I’m the one who taught her to get married in the temple so I have no one to blame except myself! The not so charitable side of me is just hoping that seeing me not in there will add a crack to any shelves that might exist in my family. And I’m trying to figure out what to tell all the young kids who will inevitably be asking me why I’m not going in with my own daughter. How do you even respond to that?
Thanks for letting me vent. I just hate this church that has created this whole awful, painful, horrific, exclusionary situation.