Teach me how to be a person please
What are your pro tips for a woman in her 30s who missed out on learning the basics?
I totally get that this is a vague question but maybe some context will help. I’m in my mid to late 30s, I am a new mom, and I’m in the middle of a divorce after a 20 year emotionally/psychologically/eventually physically abusive relationship that culminated in me being cheated on during my pregnancy and early postpartum. So if you do the math, this means that I’ve never been an adult outside of the bounds of that relationship. I married the only man I’ve ever dated, and we got together in our teens.
I am a working professional with a couple graduate degrees. My career is solid and I have strong relationships with my immediate family. I have a few close-ish friends. I have a VERY good therapist and we’re working through my many layers of trauma. I feel like I’ve got that stuff relatively well managed.
But I don’t know how to “adult woman” in any practical sense. How do you feel grounded? How do you flirt? How do you find people to casually date? What underwear do you wear under your yoga pants? How do you give yourself permission to exist as your own self without feeling like you need to capitulate to the judgement and expectations of a soon-to-be ex? Is it actually okay to have a casual fling? How do I try new things to decide what I like and still feel authentic and not like I’m just performing some facade to fill my time while my kid is with their dad? How do you feel brave enough to wear something in a new color? Who should I follow on social media for hair styling advice?
I got brave a few weeks ago and fumbled my way through a pedicure. A gloriously self indulgent thing that would have been subtly but clearly denigrated by my past partner. While I was sitting there awkwardly, I kept thinking…I need a “life doula” for this whole rebirth thing. I need someone (or someones plural) who can dump some solid advice in my lap about literally anything. I missed out on a whole developmental era in my late teens and 20s because I was in what I thought was a forever relationship, but that isolated me from friends/peers and stunted me in a lot of ways. I need a remedial course on being an adult woman/person.
(I acknowledge that there’s a fair bit of bias in my thoughts here. I am asking/thinking a lot about the more traditional and mainstream themes of femininity and experiences as a woman. I get that “womanhood” is not about pedicures and yoga pants underwear and best drugstore retinol brands. I also know that there are aspects of my conceptualization of the female experience that I want to step into but I feel stupid and I don’t know how to do it because I missed those parts.)
So, amazing fabulous women of the internet, hit me with your best advice. (E.g. skip hot yoga. Take the pottery class. Don’t do the dating apps. Spend more time naked. Volunteer at your local humane society and hookup with the hot veterinarian because life is actually like a hallmark movie. I joke, but still. Send help.)