u/xXAshtonHavokXx

I see all of you go and get tests but mine paralyzes me into seeking treatment. I have severe cardiophobia and my anxiety symptoms have been manifesting in ways where I constantly think I am in heart failure. I have a terrible fear of getting news that I am terminally ill or I have a disease that is going to progress and it is irreversible. I dont even like going to see my PCP much less the ER. The last few doctor appointments he told me that I'm fine. Everything feels so real and I cant get past this crisis. How do you guys deal with this?? Do you have the "need every test" or "avoid doctor at all cost" type?

TW: POCD

Comment I got (spoiler text due to triggering content):

>!"you're 30. And you choose to look like dahvie vanity and engage in behaviors that appeal to a younger, often teenage demographic. Tell me you're on a list without telling me you're on a list."!<

I was just sharing some art that I got on Facebook (just art of a character that I based off of my hair/fashion) and I got this comment. I dress alternative- scene/emo leaning and have been in the subculture since I was 13 years old and I am very passionate about the scene. And this dude comes in and calls me a pedophile. Context: Dahvie Vanity is the singer of a scene electropop band called Blood on the Dance Floor and he is extremely infamous for sexually abusing hundreds of underage fans. TW: >!Its especially hurtful since I was almost one of Dahvie Vanity's victims, I narrowly missed being assaulted by him just by pure luck of timing when I was invited backstage by his bandmate. Dahvie wasnt there and security removed me quickly thanks to another opening act spotting me back there.!< I was 16 at the time. Im not diagnosed but I am pretty certain that I have OCD and ive had intrusive thoughts around pedophilia most of my adult life and have actively gone out of my way to avoid even interacting with children due to this. TW: >!My own mother was an actual predator that groomed a 16 year old coworker when I was a kid and it makes me terrified of becoming that.!< I have been going through all of my messages and friends lists non stop since this comment making sure I never said anything inappropriate or gross or crossed any boundaries with children. Im panicking. I want to be able to express myself and still do the things I love but I dont want to make kids feel unsafe and I especially dont want to hurt them lile that. But what if I do just by dressing this way?? Its literally a core part of who I am and I am nothing without it. I spent over half of my life in this community and going to shows and events. Giving that up would be completely dismantling who I am as a person but I have to if it makes me a pedophile. >!It makes me want to die.!<