u/xX_SmolVapeGOD_Xx

It is such a strange thing

Fighting survival instincts,

Rooted deep inside

The gravest betrayal,

Takes all it can see

Even Lets'emó:t

It is an injustice

That I fight myself

For my own vulnerability

I think she stole from me,

My forms of lovemaking

I must leave rage at the door

Lest I lose what I rebuilt

Upon my own swords hilt

Definition: Lets'emó:t means one mind or one kind and is a Halq'emeylem word/Stó:lõ teaching. It can mean togetherness as a people, or togetherness of your self (emotional regulation)

I am butch

When I buy my femme clothes

I am butch

When I ensure her stomach is full

I am butch

When she holds my arm and I give her my coat

I am butch

And I am butch enough

My native grandma isn't coming to my wedding because she planned a trip for that time. I'm not too upset that the woman who told me to end this relationship isn't coming but it hurt that she said no with only one sentence. It felt like a response someone gives to a coworker, just thank you for inviting me I'm away during that time. I wonder if she's actually happy she can't make it. She's so big on being proper in communication I just keep wondering what kept her from responding like herself.

My white family hasn't said a word to me positive or negative about my wedding. Couldn't even say anything about my engagement ring. (Its so cool it has 2 orcas carved coast salish style to honor me being a fisherman and Two Spirit) I feel so illegitimate in an almost 5 year relationship. I'm working to not let it impact how I view myself but man my self worth hasn't taken a hit like this in a while.

Edit: I want to express how grateful I am to have found this community. I feel not alone anymore. I'm so thankful we all exist.

If you felt doom reading the title that's how my life feels. I'm getting married in 2 weeks on our 5 year anniversary and my grandma declined her invitation for a conference and holiday. I'm not that upset that she isnt coming. I feel hurt because she declined with one sentance like Im someone she works with. I didnt expect a happy response from the woman who told me to end this relationship before. But i didnt expect to not recive even the most bare of well wishes. Im just hoping for some support. I honestly feel devastated.

Oh to relive teenage love

To feel the love of a heart before it was abused

The love of an innocent, untouched by ugly hands

Full of emotion at every exausting hour

So bold and curious, that heart lived on my sleeve

I wouldn't change it, if I could go back

I thought my teenage heart was a hopeless romantic

But alas, I truly know what a hopeless loving heart sounds like

Choking down rage, to make room for great love