u/xiaoxue_snow

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Hi everyone,

​I am a closet crossdresser for more than 20 years and trying to process feelings I have carried completely alone since I was about 8 years old. For my entire life, I have had a quiet, persistent wish that I had been born female. Dressing as a female and occasionally out in the public as female bring happiness and joy. When I imagine myself just living an ordinary, day-to-day life as a woman, it brings me a profound sense of peace.

​However, because I've suppressed this for decades out of fear and shame, I feel like my brain has cross-wired my gender identity with my sex drive. For a long time, the only way I could access or process my desire to be female was through private fantasies centered around forced feminization, losing my male anatomy, and submission or "degradation."

​Right now, I can only achieve arousal or orgasm if I tap into these intense scenarios. It creates a massive amount of internal confusion and guilt. I am terrified that I am "fake," or that my lifelong desire to be a woman is just a deeply entrenched fetish rather than actual gender dysphoria.

I no longer feel excited or aroused seeing female body even if they are naked in Front of me. Maybe because I spend so much time seeing myself dress up as female. It seems almost normal for me when I am dress as a female.

​I’m posting here because I want to know the real-world truth. Did any other trans women here experience this kind of sexual cross-wiring before they transitioned? How did you separate the high-octane fantasies of submission from the quiet, everyday reality of just wanting to live as a normal woman?

​Thank you for reading. I'm just really tired of carrying this alone