u/yesterday4568

I feel genuinely sick. I did bad things and I may have hurt people or made them uncomfortable. No excuses for me I was a terrible, irresponsible, stupid, immature person and I regret it all. So I don’t understand. If I was genuinely a terrible person, I don’t see why I shouldn’t let these thoughts eat at me alive. Isn’t this what I deserve? I don’t understand anything.

Since my real events and my sins involve other people, I want to desperately know how I can possibly atone or take accountability for my actions. But since it’s OCD everyone focuses on telling me how to recover from OCD and it drives me crazy. I want my friends to know that they deserved better than me and that my actions were not OK. I’m ok with them not forgiving me or disliking me it just breaks my heart, the idea that I may never reassure them of this fact.

I haven’t said anything like this to them because everyone tells me that if they don’t talk to me first, it may do more harm than good. And I don’t want to harm them and I want to respect their agency. I also didn’t do it because someone asked me if I am doing it for a selfish reason, just to alleviate my own guilt and I reflected and I didn’t do it.

I’m so terrified of myself and my past actions. I wouldn’t forgive myself and I don’t. I’m sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone that even reads a little bit of this. I feel so lost.

I hate that I have this disorder to deal with instead of normal guilt over my past events. To treat OCD, it feels like I have to ignore my regrets and its so painful. I really want to know how bad my events are in the grand scheme of things, so I can know where to begin when it comes to self improvement. I also want to know if I am allowed to forgive myself for it. Please don’t say if I can or can’t. I can’t have any of the answers I seek, either because it’s impossible or it feeds into OCD.