u/yetanotherstan

They were divorced. He died in february, she died in may.

She spent her last five months in the hospital, recovering from sepsis. The very same day she came back home, she had a brain hemorrage and died.

I feel her loss the most, as we lived together and had a much deeper relationship. Mostly, I feel guilty as I couldn't protect her from a misdiagnosis that led to the sepsis; and I hate that she ended like that. She deserved so much more after spending most of her life caring for others, in detriment to her own freedom and hapyness.

I see the things she loved and I feel like its unfair she can't enjoy them. I have to empty her apartment and I feel like I'm destroying, erasing her life. I feel incredible guilt for having spent not enough time with her at the hospital. I feel childish, as at 41 I should be used to loss and death and I think people around me deals with it much better. I have a sister, who's trying to help, but I dont feel any connection to her: I feel like her help is to try to make me fit into a life that's not mine.

I have no desire to live - nor to die -, it feels just absolutely pointless.