Unexpected Reaction On Placement
I’m in my first month of my first ever placement and I experienced something odd today.
TLDR - I had a patient that reminded me of a family member that I cared for at the end of their life, but I wasn’t close to them during their life, I did not feel grief when they passed, I didn’t cry etc., I just acknowledged that it was sad that they passed away. My family member was in a lot of pain towards the end and would scream when touched. Today, a patient really reminded me of my family member in a few ways, but especially the way they screamed whilst being positioned. It really affected me, I was just concentrating on my breathing and staying calm as I felt so emotional.
I’m worried that this could signal to others that I’m not fit to be a radiographer. If I can’t see people in pain, how can I do my job? Would my supervising radiographer think I’m unfit and not cut out to be a radiographer if I told them about my reaction?
Detailed Version!
Context - I cared for this family member during the last three weeks of their life, around 3 years ago. They had many terminal cancers and I bathed them, turned them so they wouldn’t get pressure sores and assisted with their personal care.
Despite being on palliative care medication for pain, my family member, who was unable to talk or communicate during the last two weeks, would scream during turning, or if I had to position them so I could clean them etc., even a comforting hand in their arm would have them moaning in agony. It was painful to listen to because obviously I hated causing them pain, it was just an incredibly painful time for them. Thing is, I wasn’t close to them in life. For almost 15 years, I saw them maybe five times, we just weren’t a close knit family, no malice between us though.
I wasn’t really emotional when they died, I didn’t have the existing emotional connection to get too upset about it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very sad whenever anyone passes away, I just personally did not feel grief and I have grieved for other family members in my life previously.
Today’s Appointment- the patient arrived, Their stature, facial expression, body position all reminded me of my family member, though as people, they weren’t identical. What was identical, was the screaming. The patient was in so much pain whilst being positioned (three projections, so around five minutes of screaming) and I almost shut down. I was observing and filling in exposure details, so I was well hidden from view, but I had to really concentrate on my breathing to keep myself together. I felt like I needed a break afterwards, but there was no opportunity to communicate this need as, before I knew it, the next patient was in. I felt really off for the rest of the day, I suspect because I didn’t decompress from the experience. I also felt I was overreacting, because I didn’t cry when my family member passed, why would I cry now?!
I want to tell my tutor about this experience so I can gain some helpful insight/strategies for dealing with this in the future and I’d also like to know who I can talk to/where I can go if I need a moment to collect myself. However, I’m worried that I’ll be seen as unfit for the job if I tell them about what I experienced. If I can’t see people in pain, how can I do my job? Would my supervising radiographer/tutor think I’m unfit and not cut out to be a radiographer if I told them about my reaction? Part of me thinks we’re all human and become affected by things, it’s natural, and then the other part of me thinks maybe I’m expected to separate these things from my work and just get on with it?
Any insight is greatly appreciated.